Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #10

The Punisher (1989)

Plot: After the mob kills his family, former Officer Frank Castle (Dolph Lundgren) assumes the identity of the Punisher.  For fives years, he’s been killing off countless mobsters for revenge.  But when the mob goes against the Yakuza, the Punisher finds himself caught in the middle of a gruesome crime war only he can stop.

It’s stupid.  It’s over the top.  It’s unnecessarily violent.  It’s bad ass.  The Punisher is a pretty darn entertaining flick.  It’s got some brutal fights.  And the Punisher just wrecks so many people in this movie.  It’s like watching someone play Madden the video game on rookie mode with a super team.  It’s pretty insane.  But it also has some legit suspense moments that you want in an action movie, and it’s got the classic intense 80’s movie score that you can’t get enough of.  Right from the opening credits, it gets you in the mood.  The acting is bad, but when it’s bad, you can chuckle at it and it’s not cringe inducing.  It does have some irritating elements.  During some of the fights, we get really annoying close-ups of someone backing up and dodging a hit.  And during the last action scene, the screen just decides to go red for a while.  That was…odd.  This is a generic and predictable action romp, but you know something, I had a good time.  Pure fun entertainment for what it is.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very Good) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Louis Gossett Jr. as Jake Berkowitz
-He’s the classic bitter angry cop.  Gossett really shines though, especially in the first scene.  He’s so grumpy and stubborn, I love it.  He also has a few solid acting moments, which I thought was rather impressive considering the movie he’s in.  He’s funny and you feel for him.

Worst Performance: Dolph Lundgren as Frank Castle/Punisher
-*Sigh* This hurt the movie significantly.  Lundgren is pretty bad, and he’s not the kind of bad where we can just laugh it off, he’s just plain bad.  I hate bagging on the man who played Ivan Drago, but his delivery is just uncomfortable to watch.  He gets a little better as the movie goes on, but he’s got a couple voiceover monologues where he’s talking about God and his mission, and it’s just awful.  Sorry Dolph.

Best Line: “There’s a limit to revenge.” –Gianni Franco
                         “Well I guess I haven’t reached mine yet.” -Punisher
-The first double exchange best line choice in my superhero series.  This was the one solid delivery from Lundgren and it sums up the whole movie perfectly.

Worst Line: “Now I don’t want to stretch this out.  But tell me where the kids are.” –Punisher as he’s putting someone into a stretch torture bed thing.
-No explanation needed…ugh.

Best Fight
-The Punisher faces off against this blonde lady who’s basically Tanaka’s (leader of the Yakuza) right hand woman.  She’s got these crazy earrings that turn into knives, and there are all kinds of blades that come out of her shoes.  Unfortunately Punisher snaps her neck in brutal fashion.  A solid fight though.

WTF Moment:
-The Punisher is constantly meeting with his informant named Shake (Barry Otto).  He’s this whacky homeless looking guy who is always talking about performing in the theater.  What the hell is with this guy!  How did the Punisher come into contact with him?  Seriously, at one point Shake randomly mentions to Punisher that he should think about joining the theater.  How does this guy become the Punisher’s go to informant?  He’s fricking crazy!

Best Scene:
-The Punisher just absolutely destroys one of Tanaka’s gambling/bar hideouts.  He wrecks this place.  A shit load of bullets, it was awesome to watch.

Worst Scene:
-Part of the plot is the mob’s kids getting kidnapped by the Yakuza.  They are locked up and given one quick scene together.  It’s just a vortex of terrible kid acting, really excruciating.

Funniest Moment:
-In the early part of the film, there’s this big mob conglomeration awaiting a drug shipment.  There’s this one guy sitting in the car that is such an overly blown stereotype, but he’s absolutely hysterical.  He picks up his walkie-talkie and goes “Whaaaaaaaaat.”  When asked if everything looks safe, he goes “Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”  And then he’s struck with a large sword and dies.  You really have to watch the expression on his face and the way he draws out his two lines.  It’s gut busting.

Bad Ass Moment:
-The Punisher is walking through a hallway.  He just randomly strikes a knife into one of the curtains next to him and a guy falls out dead.  Bad Ass.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #9

Batman (1989)

Plot: Gotham City is plagued with crime worse than ever.  Billionaire Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) becomes the mysterious Batman, a dark vigilante who vows to clean up crime.  When encountering top mob enforcer Jack Napier (Jack Nicholson) at a chemical plant, Jack falls into a vat of chemicals, turning him into the deranged Joker, a crazed criminal who kills people in eccentric ways.

Batman may be the movie that I’ve seen more than any other movie in existence.  I hadn’t watched it in quite some time, and I was very concerned I couldn’t look at it the same way after the Dark Knight.  But you know something; this is still a fantastic film.  It’s got so many great scenes and moments that are still iconic.  I think the two scenes that epitomize this movie perfectly are the first appearances by both main characters.  When you see Batman glide down in the background as two small time criminals chat about him is simply amazing.  And the Joker…when he steps out of the shadows to kill Carl Grissom (Jack Palance) and you see that smirk for the first time and hear the line, “Call me Joker…as you can see.  I’m a lot happier.”  And then he laughs and shoots like a mad man.  Tim Burton will never direct a better movie than this.  The look of the film and the city is fricking gorgeous.  There’s so much to talk about with Batman, but the last thing I’ll say is the music by Danny Elfman; OMG.

Rating: 9 out of 10 (OMG) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Jack Nicholson as Jack Napier/Joker
-Not a surprise.  He’s hilarious in a demented evil kind of way.  When he sees himself in the mirror in that dark and dingy surgery room and laughs for the first time, we know right there we are in for something special.

Worst Performance: Lee Wallace as the Mayor
-I had to dig deep here.  It’s not the performance, it’s just this character.  The Mayor is so insistent that Gotham will have its big 200^th Anniversary Gala parade.  Dude…your city is overrun by crime and psychos.  The parade is not happening.  Give it up man.

Best Line: “I’m Batman.” –Batman
-One of the greatest deliveries of all time.

Worst Line: “He’s going to kill everybody!” –Vicki Vale realizing Joker is going to gas everyone at the parade
-Vicki Vale says this with such shock.  What the hell did you think he was going to do!

Best Fight:
-It’s the Joker and Batman going up against each other at the top of the Cathedral.  Yea, I know it’s not really a fight, but part of a fight is a great and intense exchange of dialogue.  This really harkens back to the big twist of the movie, which is Jack Napier being the one who killed Bruce Wayne’s parents.  I’m sure there are naysayers out there, but I think it’s an interesting take and really puts a lot of emotion behind this final showdown.  Also, Joker has that hysterical line: “You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses, would you?”  And then Batman does, obviously.

WTF Moment:
-The Joker exits Vicki Vale’s apartment after shooting Bruce Wayne and leaves Vale a gift…and she opens it!  What the hell!  Why would you open something from the Joker!  What an idiot.

Best Scene:
-A really tough call here, but I’m going with the whole parade showdown.  All the shots of Joker dumping money onto the crowd is fantastic to look at.  He’s got those hysterical balloons.  Then of course there’s the Bat Plane, and to top it all off, Joker pulls a gigantic gun from his pants.  Awesome.

Worst Scene:
-It’s got to be in Vicki Vale’s apartment with Bruce Wayne, Vicki Vale, and Joker.  I don’t know, Bruce Wayne goes a little too nuts here, it just doesn’t work.  True, we get the “You ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light” line, but it doesn’t save it.  Also, Bruce puts like a dinner tray inside his jacket to stop the bullet.  I don’t know… would this really work?  Eh.

Funniest Moment:
-It’s obviously a Joker moment, and I choose this one.  “Bob…gun.”  Bob hands him the gun.  Joker shoots Bob.  Poor Bob.

Bad Ass Moment:
-I’m just going to say the Bat Plane.  I love this thing.  The best shot of the entire movie is when the plane is approaching Gotham City.  It’s one of the best shots I’ve ever seen.  It probably can’t work in Nolan’s Batman world, but if there is anyway he can make the Bat Plane plausible for Dark Knight Rises, please try.

Oscar Predictions! 2011

Oh, here we go!  Hollywood’s big night of glorifying themselves in one room.  But seriously, as much as I dislike the hoopla and bad jokes, I am excited and interested to see who wins the actual awards.  So here are my predictions that I’m sure will be wrong.  Also, I’m not going to pretend like I know what’s going with Documentary, Foreign Language, and short films, so I won’t be predicting those. 

Best Picture

Nominees: 127 Hours, Black Swan, Inception, The Fighter, The Social Network, The King’s Speech, Toy Story 3, True Grit, Winter’s Bone, The Kids Are All Right

Prediction: The King’s Speech
-It’s boring.  It’s mediocre.  It’s an Oscar Best Picture Winner.

Best Director

Nominees: Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan), Joel and Ethan Coen (True Grit), David Fincher (Social Network), David O. Russell (The Fighter), Tom Hooper (King’s Speech)

Prediction: David Fincher (Social Network)
-I could just complain about Christopher Nolan (Inception) not being nominated, but I’ll move on and just say Fincher is deserving and will win this. 

Best Actor

Nominees: Colin Firth (King’s Speech), Jesse Eisenberg (Social Network), Jeff Bridges (True Grit), Javier Bardem (Biutiful), James Franco (127 Hours)

Prediction: Colin Firth (King’s Speech)
-This is the one award King’s Speech actually deserves.  Firth will win it easily.

Best Actress

Nominees: Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right), Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole), Jennifer Lawrence (Winter’s Bone), Natalie Portman (Black Swan), Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Prediction: Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
-I’ve accepted the fact that the King’s Speech will win Best Picture, so this is the award I’m most nervous about.  Portman is so deserving of this, that if Bening wins, it will be such a blatant “Ohhhhhh, but come on, she’s been nominated so many times” bull shit factor.  Bening is great, but Portman gives a “holy shit” performance.  Please Academy, please.  Do what’s right.

Best Supporting Actor

Nominees: Christian Bale (The Fighter), John Hawkes (Winter’s Bone), Jeremy Renner (The Town), Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are All Right), Geoffrey Rush (The King’s Speech)

Prediction: Christian Bale (The Fighter)
-If Bale doesn’t win this, I’ll never take the Oscars seriously again.

Best Supporting Actress

Nominees: Amy Adams (The Fighter), Helena Bonham Carter (King’s Speech), Melissa Leo (The Fighter), Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit), Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Prediction: Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
-This is by far the closest race of all the major categories.  Amy Adams, Hailee Steinfeld, and Melissa Leo all have a legit shot.  I’m fine with any of them winning, but I think it will be Melissa Leo in the end.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: Danny Boyle, Simon Beafoy (127 Hours), Aaron Sorkin (Social Network), Michael Arndt, John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton, Lee Unkrich (Toy Story 3), Joel Coen, Ethan Coen (True Grit), Debra Granik, Anne Rosellini (Winter’s Bone)

Prediction: Aaron Sorkin (Social Network)
-Sorkin won, the end.

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: Mike Leigh (Another Year), Scott Silver, Paul Tamasy, Eric Johnson, Keith Dorrington (The Fighter), Christopher Nolan (Inception), Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Bloomberg, (The Kids Are All Right), David Seidler (King’s Speech)

Prediction: David Seidler (King’s Speech)
-I’m sure it will be Seidler (King’s Speech), but there is a very small hope for Nolan (Inception).  I’m not just being emotional, I think it could really happen.

Quick Predictions

Cinematography: Roger Deakins (True Grit)
Art Direction: Jess Gonchor, Nancy Haigh (True Grit)
Costume Design: Jenny Beaven (King’s Speech)
Sound Mixing: Lora Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo, Ed Novick (Inception)
Editing: Kirk Baxter, Angus Wall (Social Network)
Sound Editing: Richard King (Inception)
Visual Effects: Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley, Pete Bebb, Paul J. Franklin (Inception)
Make-Up: Edouard F. Henriques, Greg Funk, Yolanda Toussieng (The Way Back)
Original Song: A.R. Rahman, Roland ‘Rollo’ Armstrong, Dido for “If I Rise” (127 Hours)
Original Score: Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross (Social Network)
Animated Film: Lee Unkrich (Toy Story 3)

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #8

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Plot: Superman (Christopher Reeve) vows to rid the world of nuclear weapons, but when the latest one is launched into space, Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) packs the missile with genetic material that creates Nuclear Man (Mark Pillow), the power of a nuclear weapon created to destroy Superman.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace has so many little ridiculous elements to it, but for the most part, it’s an entertaining movie.  It’s no where near the caliber of the first two, but I’d say it’s an improvement from the previous entry.  First of all, it’s not as silly or goofy as Superman III joke-wise, which I appreciated.  It was also great having Lex Luthor back.  Gene Hackman really brought legitimacy to this.  The concept of Superman trying to rid the world of nuclear weapons isn’t terrible, and the inspiration being a letter written by a school kid may be corny, but Christopher Reeve actually sells it for me.  Nuclear Man is over the top, but nonetheless, he’s a fun villain.  Now unfortunately I have to address the really dumb stuff.  First of all, the flying effects are downright terrible.  The tagline of the first movie is “You’ll believe a man can fly,” and the tagline for this should have been “You’ll still believe a man can’t fly.”  The concept of Lex Luthor creating Nuclear Man and watching him be born from the sun coming out fully clothed with the “N” on his chest discredits most of this movie.  It’s just silly.  We also have the infamous nuclear missile net.  Yea, there’s something about watching Superman dump a bunch of nuclear missiles into a big fishing net in space that’s pretty stupid.  Let’s not forget the Gumby like claymation effects when Superman rebuilds the wall of China with a couple blue beams from his eyes.  So with these gaping holes and more to talk about later, I can’t say this is a good movie, but the story and acting is pretty solid and it’s well paced.  It’s fine.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Christopher Reeve as Clark Kent/Superman
-I’m sad I never got to single out Gene Hackman in any of the Best Performances, but I have to be fair and give it once again to Reeve.  He really has me buying into this corny title and story.  Without him, this movie would have been terrible.

Worst Performance: Damian McLawhorn as Jeremy
-This is the kid that writes Superman the letter.  I feel really bad for picking on the poor kid, and he’s in about two scenes, but I’m sorry, his delivery is just cringe-worthy.  Sorry Damian.

Best Line: “Gentlemen, one moment.  I want people to know that our subway system is the safest, most reliable public transit.  Thank you.” –Superman after saving a malfunctioning train
-Superman just says this with so much seriousness and emotion.  He’s talking about public transit!  Way to calm the masses Superman!

Worst Line: “Don’t be silly.  All men like me.  I’m very, very, rich!” –Lacy Warfield
-There’s just something about her delivery that makes the line even worse than it actually is.

Best Fight:
-Superman against Nuclear Man on the moon was pretty good.  They just bash each other to hell.  Nuclear Man smashing Superman into the moon was pretty nifty.  The intensity on Nuclear Man’s face is awesome.  It’s always nice to see a physical equivalent match up to Superman.

WTF Moment:
-There are many to choose from, but it has to be when Nuclear Man flies Lacy up into space and she looks to be breathing and adapting just fine.  I mean…she’s in space.  Hello?  Hello?  Anybody home?  Editing room?  Hello?

Best Scene:
-When Superman encounters Lex Luthor for the first time in the film, and they just have a great banter back and forth.  I love the interplay between Reeve and Hackman throughout the entire series, and this was right up there. 

Worst Scene:
-Lois Lane shows up at Clark Kent’s apartment, and he just suddenly decides to jump off the building and reveal him as Superman to her.  What the hell!  Shouldn’t this be a bigger deal?  It’s shoved aside.  Also, they go back to the stupid mind wiping kiss!  Come on, really!  So whenever Superman needs a heart to heart with Lois, he can just do the mind wipe kiss thing.  That is so lame.

Funniest Moment:
-Okay, I have to admit it.  It’s a guilty pleasure.  But I’m sorry; I think Jon Cryer as Lenny, the “dude man” nephew to Lex Luthor is actually pretty funny.  The scene where Nuclear Man makes him spin in the air, just listen to his delivery, especially when he says “Oh no.”  It’s not the over the top “Cowabunga man” type delivery, but just subtle enough to make me laugh.

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Nuclear Man goes crazy and just tears up Metropolis using all his nuclearish powers.  It’s once again great intensity from the actor Mark Pillow.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #7

Supergirl (1984)

Plot: When Kara (Helen Slater) loses the Omegahedron, a powerful energy source that sustains Argo City, a lost city of Kryptonians, she travels to Earth to retrieve it.  The Omegahedron falls into the hands of Selena (Faye Dunaway), a dangerous woman skilled in witch-craft with aspirations of world domination.  Kara, having the same powers as her cousin Superman, becomes Supergirl to stop Selena.

Was this really necessary?  This was just a way for Warner Brothers to bring in a female Superman crowd.  I’m not saying there can’t be female superheroes, but it certainly shouldn’t be this one.  This is a lazy film.  They don’t even explain how this whole Argo City thing works.  I mean, Krypton exploded, so how did this random city get stuck just floating around space?  What the hell!  And I’m sorry, but they bring in Lucy Lane (Maureen Teefy), Lois Lane’s sister to be a friend to Kara’s alter-ego Linda Lee.  Lucy Lane…really?  The guy who plays Jimmy Olsen (Marc McClure) is the only Superman actor to come on board with this.  Poor guy.  But the biggest reason why this is lazy and merely a cash-in are examining how Superman and Supergirl were introduced.  Clark Kent slowly learns his powers and who he is, whereas Supergirl crash lands into the water and instantly springs out in full Supergirl costume.  Aside from a few nice set pieces towards the end, this is forgettable with a real stupid and over the top villain.  It’s just a waste of time.

Rating: 4.5 out of 10 (Bad)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Helen Slater as Kara/Linda Lee/Supergirl
-Her very first scene is terrible, but after that, she has a good command of the character and is very good as both alter-egos.  She comes out of this mess okay.

Worst Performance: Hart Bochner as Ethan
-He’s just this bumbling stupid gardener who falls under a spell and instantly falls in love with Linda Lee.  It’s a terrible romantic interest performance.  The best way to describe him is an E-Level Vinny Barbarino or Fonz.

Best Line: “Hang in there, Danvers.  Don’t let them get to you.  Thirty days.  The semester’s just started.” –Principal Danvers on his students
-The delivery was pretty funny.  He looks so stressed out over this all girl’s boarding school and even takes a couple pills.  Take it easy man.

Worst Line: “What?  That I love you?  I’d shout it from the highest hill.” -Ethan
-I realize he’s under a spell, but come on; this is like Episode II: Attack of the Clones level dialogue here. 

Best Fight:
-Not much to choose from, but there is this random shadow thing created from the Omegahedron that attacks Supergirl outside the school dormitories.  I don’t know, there’s a lot of electricity and stuff that isn’t bad…whatever.

WTF Moment:
-Okay, so there’s this scene where Linda Lee is sitting in math class and her little white wrist band blinks signaling the Omegahedron is close by.  But as she gets up, Nigel the math teacher (Peter Cook) orders her to sit down to continue the lesson.  Linda actually obeys him and remains sitting to finish the lesson.  What the hell!!  Your whole city and race is at stake on you finding this orb, and you’re going to stay in math class!! WTF!

Best Scene:
-It’s easily the scene where Supergirl goes to the Phantom Zone.  We actually get to see it, which was pretty interesting.  It looks desolate and crappy, a cool looking scene actually.

Worst Scene:
-It’s the beginning in Argo City.  This whole dumb movie begins in a dumb way.  Kara loses the Omegahedron after she creates this big stupid dragon fly with it.  It flies out the window and the Omegahedron is sucked into space.  This is how the plot is initiated.  Wow.

Funniest Moment:
-Jimmy Olsen, Lucy Lane, and a few students hang out at…Popeyes?  I don’t know, there’s something about Popeyes being the cool hang-out that’s pretty funny.

Bad Ass Moment:
-I guess when Linda Lee needs to fake a school letter of recommendation; she uses super speed to write something and slips it in the file cabinet for the Principal to hide.  That wasn’t half bad.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #6

Superman III (1983)

Plot: A corrupt business man (Robert Vaughn) employs Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor), a bumbling computer genius, to control weather satellites and oil tankers to his economic advantage.  When Superman (Christopher Reeve) gets in the way, man-made kryptonite is created, inflicting Superman with dangerous and personality altering results.

This exciting second Superman sequel begins with a scene at…the unemployment office?  Yea, the unemployment office…And after that, we get a “hysterical” opening credit sequence where people fall down and get pies in the face.  What kind of Superman movie is this?  Well, it’s an odd one.  It’s not terrible, but it’s certainly no where near the class of the first two.  The most interesting element to the story is Superman getting inflicted with kryptonite that’s not true kryptonite.  But the real problem here is that the villain is random business tycoon #6.  Come on, really?  That’s your villain for the third Superman movie?  Basically this film turns into Superman fighting a big computer, which was kind of entertaining, but it’s no where near the threat of the last entry.  Richard Pryor is tolerable, but there was no reason to get him for this role.  Christopher Reeve brings this movie to respectability, but the best way to describe Superman III is “whatever.”

Rating: 5.5 out of 10 (Very Passable Entertainment)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Christopher Reeve as Superman/Clark Kent
-With no more Marlon Brando, Gene Hackman, or Terence Stamp, Reeve is pretty much the only headliner.  He’s very strong here, especially when he has to play the darker Superman, which was the only interesting part about this whole movie.

Worst Performance: Pamela Stephenson as Lorelei
-Just listen to her voice and you’ll get why it’s the worst performance…unbearable.

Best Line: “I don’t want to go to jail because there are robbers and rapers and rapers who rape robbers.” –Gus Gorman
-This was Richard Pryor’s one humorous line, and really, this was my only option.  The dialogue was extremely bland.

Worst Line: “I ask you to kill Superman, and you’re telling me you couldn’t even do that one, simple thing.”  Ross Webster
-Do I have to explain why this is an idiotic line?

Best Fight:
-Bad Superman versus Clark Kent was pretty interesting.  Reeve really shines here as the bad Superman as these guys just bash each other to hell.  And when Clark eventually wins, we finally get the good Superman theme music, so that was nice.

WTF Moment:
-When Gus is taking over the computers in Smallville and starts controlling a bunch of random crap throughout the city, the walk symbol on a traffic light climbs into the top spot of the Don’t Walk symbol and they begin fighting.  Just writing about this is enough to make me cringe.  This is so stupid!  It was at that moment I stopped taking this series seriously.

Best Scene:
-When Superman has to save a chemical plant in Smallville that is engulfed in a massive fire was pretty good.  And once again, we see Reeve really take charge in the Superman role.

Worst Scene:
-Gus Gorman has to get drunk with the Smallville computer center security guard and it’s just really long and not funny.  This was a torturous scene.  Richard Pryor is rambling on about stuff, and my mind just drifted away.  And then he has this stupid moment where he takes the passed out security guard and ties him with a rope so they can turn their keys at the same time, and a drunken Pryor just continues to ramble on about nothing, and it just sucks, I hate this scene.

Funniest Moment:
-When Gus Gorman is doing his computer penny fraction pay check fraud thing it made me think of the movie Office Space when Michael Bolton tells Peter Gibbons their virus scheme is like Superman III.  I love Office Space, so there you go.

Bad Ass Moment:
-It’s easily when Superman flies to a nearby lake, freezes it, and then flies an entire lake back to the chemical plant fire to put it out.  I thought that was pretty damn cool.

Movie Review – 127 Hours

Plot: Based on the true story of Aron Ralston (James Franco), a mountain climber who gets trapped under a boulder and stuck for several days.  The film follows his time under the boulder and the measures he ultimately has to take in order to survive.

I know what you’re thinking; this sounds like something that won’t hold my interest for ninety minutes, but I bet the film will totally surprise me.  No…it literally is what the film says it is; a guy trapped under a boulder alone on screen for ninety minutes.  There are great moments here, but really, this is boring.  When he first gets trapped, it’s kind of interesting and suspenseful, but it gets to a point where they have to manufacture other drama, and it just didn’t work for me at all.

So what do I mean when I say “manufactured drama?”  Well, like I said, when Aron first gets trapped, it’s an interesting set-up.  We get a truly horrifying shot of how isolated this guy is.  We also see some great trial and error of him trying to break free.  But there comes a point where the director (Danny Boyle) knows he can’t do this the whole movie, and that’s where images of his family creep up, he starts to lose it with other hallucinations and flashbacks, as well as a bunch of other stuff.  This is the entire middle of the film.  And all these elements are just done really poorly.  They were very awkward and silly and just didn’t hold my interest.  The movie really loses me because of this.  Part of the problem is the majority of people know how this story ends, so it’s kind of like, “Let’s just get to it already.”  He also records himself with messages to his family, and they are just repetitive.  I wanted to feel emotion for it, but I just wasn’t because of the repetition.

James Franco does a very good job, but honestly, I wasn’t blown away.  He carries the movie fine, but I just wasn’t totally enraptured by it.  There is just so much of him reflecting and sipping every ounce of water, it’s all so repetitive; I started becoming numb to all of it.  It’s a sad situation, but this just isn’t interesting after a while.  Nothing happens!  Franco does have one fantastic scene in which he basically records himself pretending he’s on a talk show that was superb.  It’s easily the highlight of the movie and gave me the emotion I had been looking for.   

The score by A.R. Rahman was all over the place.  Sometimes it was fantastic and hit the mood just right, but other times it was so bad, loud, and obnoxious, that quite frankly, not only did I not like it, I wanted to step out of the theater at some points.  It really was that uneven.

When we finally get to the end and witness what this guy ultimately has to do, it was cringe worthy and emotional, but it didn’t hit me as hard as I wanted it too just because the movie is so repetitive and excruciating, I really had lost interest.  Look, the story of this guy is incredible, but this just isn’t a great movie.  I know people love Danny Boyle, but I think another director could have done a better job with the middle part of this film and create more convincing drama.  There are some damn good elements here making it worth a look, but otherwise this was mostly a forgettable film.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’)

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #5

Condorman (1981)

Plot: Woody Wilkins (Michael Crawford) is a cartoonist/comic book writer who likes to base his characters in real life situations, and even attempts to try things his heroes do in his stories.  Woody gets roped into espionage when he goes by the code name “Condorman,” one of his super hero characters, as he helps a Russian Agent (Barbara Carrera) defect to the United States.

The issue with the little known Condorman is that it can’t decide if it wants to be a comedy or real spy adventure story.  And of course because of this, it satisfies neither genre, which is a big no-no.  The first scene of this movie shows Woody dressed as his newest character Condorman in a ridiculous bird costume trying to jump off the Eiffel tower.  He plops right into the water.  Okay, so tone set right?  A goofy comedic actioner is upon us.  That’s fine.  The problem is the movie isn’t funny at all.  There are a couple slightly goofy moments, but it feels like a real attempt at a spy film.  It’s kind of silly, but also kind of serious to the point where it’s bad.  There is one solid action scene with a couple cool gadgets, but other than that, it’s just a poor spy thriller and not funny at all.  I chuckled maybe twice.  And really…the premise of the movie is about a comic book writer with no spy training testing out theories for his comic books.  This needed to be funny.  Instead, it’s boring and a mess.

Rating: 4.5 out of 10 (Bad)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Barbara Carrera as Natalia
-Not much to praise about acting wise in this movie.  But I don’t know, this character was very likable, so whatever.

Worst Performance: Michael Crawford as Woody Wilkins
-This was the biggest problem of the film by far.  For a guy who writes comic books and dresses up in bird costumes trying to fly around Paris, he came off as really bland.  How the hell does that happen?!  He overacts, but isn’t funny.  I didn’t care about him at all.  He just stinks.  Not a good performance.

Best Line: “When I go to America and start reading the Sunday Funnies and eating a Big Mac…” –Natalia
-There’s just something about someone in a Russian accent saying “Big Mac.”  I chuckled at this.

Worst Line: “I mean, Donald Duck, for example, he’s not a real duck.  He’s just a drawing.” –Harry Oslo
-Okay, Harry says this line with the utmost seriousness, like’s he’s giving new information to someone.  Harry is talking to a high level American Government employee.  Just read this line again.  Really…this needs to be clarified!!!!

Best Fight:
-Not a lot to consider here, but I guess its in the beginning when Woody is in this seedy Istanbul bar and gets his first taste of action, taking out a bunch of random dudes with dishes and stuff.  It was just kind of unexpected.

WTF Moment:
-There is this villain named Morovich who looks like something out of Tron.  He’s got this eye that lights up silver and looks like a crystal or something, and they never explain it or if it does anything.  It’s just there.  I mean it’s a crystal eye and it’s never touched upon…WTF!

Best Scene:
-The one real good scene in the movie is a solid car chase.  The Condorman Car shoots out of this big hulking truck and has a bunch of neat gadgets.  At one point, a small black car barrels towards the Condorman Car and a ramp on the car slides out completely bagging the black car.  That was kind of cool.

Worst Scene:
-At the end, Woody and Harry are at this party disguised as Sheiks.  They just look really stupid and the scene goes on forever.  And then Woody rips off his sheik costume to reveal his new Condorman eagle outfit.  There’s something about going from the Sheik get-up to a bird costume that is just, well…stupid.

Funniest Moment:
-It’s actually the beginning during the opening credits where the theme song comes on and the lyrics are just people shouting “Condorman.”  That was funny.

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Woody is disguised as a gypsy, he has this cane that’s really a machine gun.  This was bad ass, except it was ruined when Woody just bumbles around firing it.  But a cane turning into a gun is always a good thing I guess.

Top 10 Movie Fights

Sometimes it’s the climax to a film, other times it comes out of nowhere, but regardless of where it happens, a great movie fight can live on forever and sometimes even become legendary.  Whether it’s a gun fight, a power based battle, or just a straight up hand-to-hand match-up, there are many elements that make up a great movie fight.  Some things for me are the intensity level, the music, the dialogue, and the spectacle.  I love watching two enemies, or even friends, engage in fisticuffs, so I might as well share the ten movie fights that mean the most to me.  “Ding”

*Overall spoilers for these movies included.  Be warned.

10) Oddjob VS James Bond (Goldfinger)

-For much of the fight, it’s not really a fight.  Oddjob tosses Bond like a rag doll multiple times.  Bond goes all out though.  At the start of the fight, he leaps at Oddjob’s neck, but it all goes downhill from there.  Obviously Bond wins in the end with a bit of trickery with Oddjob’s iconic hat.  The two things that make this fight memorable for me though are that there’s something about it being at Fort Knox making it extra bad ass.  Also, Oddjob’s smirks and smiles throughout this fight are great.  He gets hit with a big metal pole right in the face and Oddjob is just like, “Whatever dude.”

9) Leonardo VS Raphael (TMNT)

-I’ve been a Ninja Turtles fan since as long as I can remember, and this fight was a culmination for turtle fans everywhere.  The rest of the movie is good, but it’s nothing compared to the fight between the leader of the turtles and his short tempered brother who’ve been at odds for the entire duration of the franchise.  To see them duke it out and hold nothing back was pretty intense.  Watching the sais and katana swords clang together as the rain comes pouring down was both exciting and nerve-racking.  But never did I expect Raphael would actually win as the blades of Leonardo crack under his sais.  OMFG.

8 – The Joker VS Batman (The Dark Knight)

-It may not be the most exciting fight in the world, but part of what makes a great movie fight is the dialogue and circumstances, and it doesn’t get much better than a Batman/Joker match-up.  What makes it so great is that the Joker is obviously overmatched physically, but of course he puts himself in a position of strength at the start, sending the dogs at Batman.  From there we get classic Jokerisms; bashing Batman with a crow bar, hidden knives, and snickering laughter.  But it’s Batman who has the last laugh in this fight as the most bad ass exchange of dialogue is exchanged between the two characters.  “Do you know how I got these scars?”  “No…but I know how you got these!”

7) Smith VS Neo (The Matrix)

-Let me be very clear.  I’m not talking about the piece of shit fights from the sequels.  The subway fight at the end of the original is what it’s all about.  The music is just absolutely outstanding and matches the combat so beautifully.  I don’t have a lot to say about this fight, it’s just insane fantasy martial arts.  Also, Hugo Weaving is bad ass.

6) Voldemort VS Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

-This battle is just fricking crazy.  It’s the type of stuff lame Gandalf and other wizards wish they could do.  Voldemort and Dumbledore simply don’t hold back.  I don’t know what else they could have possibly done.  There’s crazy fire spells, Voldemort gets wrapped up in a watery snow globe thing, there’s a massive shock wave of energy, just insane.  The sound effects were phenomenal all the way through and really gave this fight its soul.  If there’s anyone out there who says this fight is underwhelming, I don’t want to know them.

5) Judge Doom VS Eddie Valiant (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)

-The best way to describe this fight is that it’s a live action cartoon fight, and boy is it a good one.  Judge Doom is insane and the weapons that are used in this fight are equally insane.  There’s portable holes, extendo-glove hammers, giant magnets, anvils, and…singing swords?  Anyways, if that stuff doesn’t make it for a good fight, I don’t know what does.

4) Chong Li VS Frank Dux (Bloodsport)

-“You break my record.  Now I break you…like I break your friend.”  This is the line that begins the final match of the Kumite in Bloodsport.  This fight has it all; ridiculous martial arts, the villain cheating, the hero having to remember his training, and above all else, absolutely fricking epic music!  There’s one point in the fight where the camera circles around the ring as Chong Li and Dux circle each other, and the intensity level and music here is just off the charts.  And the ending to the fight could not be more perfect.  I love this fight and I love this movie.

3) Ivan Drago VS Rocky Balboa (Rocky IV)

-When people look up epic in the dictionary there should be a picture of Rocky and Ivan Drago fighting from Rocky IV.  Talk about a fight that doesn’t hold back.  It just lets loose.  Rocky takes a beating, especially some really hard shots to the head which they actually revisit in Rocky V.  The amount of punches thrown throughout this fight is insane.  And I love all the split screens and freeze frames, it’s just glorious.  But once again, it’s the music that drives this battle.  There’s a moment right before Round 14 begins where Rocky and Drago have this big stare down and the music is just epic.  Some people will say it’s over the top, but I say this fight is a masterpiece.  Drago says it best right before the final round; “To the end.”

2) The Star Wars Lightsaber Duels (Star Wars Saga)

-I’m including all of them in one spot.  Each duel has their own feel and circumstances, which is what makes them so special.  You can experience the emotional duels between Luke and Vader in Episodes V and VI.  Or how about a fast-pace duel on Naboo between Darth Maul, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Qui-Gon Jinn.  Let’s not forget about the not fucking around duel between Emperor and Yoda in the Senate Room where they rip that place to shreds.  How about the retirement duel in Episode IV, where Obi-Wan Kenobi has one last hurrah against Vader.  But the lightsaber duel that takes the cake and probably the most anticipated movie fight of all time is between Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi in Episode III on the lava planet of Mustafar.  They just go fricking nuts.  We always heard about their famous lava battle for years, but when I finally saw it on screen in all its glory, it was truly a fight for the ages.  Absolutely amazing.

1) Robert Fischer’s Sub-Conscious VS Arthur (Inception)   

-Maybe it’s the shortest one on the list, but for me, it’s the best one.  I really want to try and put into words how incredible this sequence is but I can’t.  Seeing it in the movie theater was really one of the most remarkable experiences I’ve had at the cinema.  This isn’t even a big moment in the film, and the bad guy is just some random dude who’s not even real.  It doesn’t have the dialogue in a fight that I love so much.  The music is certainly there though and it’s just a fricking great sequence that ends abruptly leaving you salivating for more.  And that’s where its greatness truly lies.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #4

Superman II (1980)

Plot: A nuclear explosion in space unlocks the Phantom Zone releasing three Kryptonian terrorists led by General Zod (Terence Stamp).  They have the same powers as Superman (Christopher Reeve) as they attempt to overthrow the Earth’s leaders.

The first comic book/superhero sequel is a great one.  The first half is kind of ‘meh’ but the later part of this movie is pretty awesome.  The story focuses a lot more on the Superman/Clark Kent and Lois Lane romantic relationship, and it works for the most part.  I love Lex Luthor’s role as a sleazy advisor to the evil Kryptonians.  But make no mistake; it is General Zod who steals the show.  He is an awesome villain!  Just so passionate and intense about taking over the Earth, I love it.  The low points are that it’s a little goofier than the first and moves slow in the beginning, and just like the original, it’s got a cringe worthy moment at the end.  But other than that, I have no real complaints.  It’s a perfect sequel.  It ups the ante, develops Superman a lot more, and gives us more action.  In short, it’s a great follow-up.

Rating: 8 out of 10 (Great)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Terence Stamp as General Zod
-I just love his voice and intensity.  He’s so damn vengeful towards Superman for what Jor-El did to him.  He’s a great villain to watch.

Worst Performance: Jack O’Halloran as Non
-This was General Zod’s big dumb companion.  I get the character is supposed to be stupid, but the actor gave him the goofiest faces every time he’s on camera.  It was just too much. 

Best Line: “Come to me, Superman!  I defy you!  Come and kneel before Zod!”-General Zod
-The delivery here is just so good.  Terence Stamp screams it with so much passion.  And the “kneel before Zod” line has definitely become a favorite among Superman fans.

Worst Line: “Holy skunk sweat!” –Deputy Dwayne
-There really weren’t any terrible lines in this movie, but I guess this was pretty stupid.

Best Fight:
-The huge brawl between Superman and three Kryptonians was pretty damn cool.  I love when Superman and Non battle under the Earth, which basically causes an earthquake.  This was an impressive sequence for 1980.  The two complaints I have is that it gets a little jokey with a lot of the onlookers, and why the hell don’t the three villains just take Superman down together?  For a General, not a great plan from Zod. 

WTF Moment:
-There’s a few to choose from, but I’m going to go with a very subtle one that I’m not even 100% sure exists.  So in the Niagara Falls scene, Superman flies in to rescue a small boy who falls over the gate.  As he’s flying up with the boy, I’m pretty sure you can hear a woman say “Of course he’s Jewish.”  Okay, I obviously love a good Jewish line/joke, but this is just weird.  Why would someone say that!  Anyways, I’m not sure if there were Jews on Krypton, or I don’t know, maybe there were.

Best Scene:
-When General Zod and his cronies barge into the oval office and overthrow the President.  There’s some great dialogue here, and the actor who plays the President (E.J. Marshall) is really strong.  Terence Stamp really shines in this scene.

Worst Scene:
-Clark Kent kisses Lois Lane and wipes her memory.  Once again, it’s at the end where Superman does something ridiculous.  It’s not as significant in this one, but it’s still just really stupid.  How the hell does that work?  I’m not buying it.

Funniest Moment:
-Non actually has one good moment.  The three Kryptonians approach a police car and General Zod points out how the red siren reminds him of Krypton.  Non actually rips it out and hands it to him as a gift.  Zod just kind of sighs and Non looks sad his gift was rejected.  It was funny to see this huge guy put his head down like a sad puppy.

Bad Ass Moment:
-The end when Superman tricks every one into thinking he’s going into the molecule chamber to remove his powers when in fact it happens outside the chamber.  I have to give it to Superman here.  He actually uses his brain for once and out-smarts the three Kryptonians and even Luthor at the end.  He even gives a little nod to Luthor as he points to his noggin and smiles.