Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #30

Batman and Robin (1997)

Plot: Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) terrorizes Gotham by stealing diamonds all over the city so he can build his mega freeze gun and hold the city ransom, money he needs to fund his research so he can save his wife (Vandela K. Thommessen) who’s cryogenically frozen with a rare disease.  As Batman (George Clooney) and Robin (Chris O’Donnell) try and stop him, the beautiful Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) comes to town and attempts to drive a wedge between the two heroes.

It’s been years since I watched Batman and Robin.  Director Joel Schumacher should never be forgiven for this movie, but I’ve been thinking about how maybe it’s time we let it go and stop giving him shit for it.  Then I watched it again for this review, and you know what; he should get crap everyday for making this.  Granted it’s not all his fault, but he was certainly a major factor.  Batman and Robin represents the evil nature of the movie industry to its core.  It’s an abomination to cinema, the world, and mankind.  Watching it as a moviegoer, it’s a disgrace.  But watching it as a die hard Batman fan, it’s depressing.  All you need to know about this movie is that the ice puns are maybe fifteenth on the list of terrible things wrong with this film.  Here are the first lines spoken:

Robin: I want a car.  Chicks dig the car.
Batman: This is why Superman works alone.

I can’t put into words how much I detest and loathe this film, but here are a few things; Mr. Freeze’s Ice Henchmen Choir, the ice puns, Barbara is Alfred’s niece and not Commissioner’s Gordon’s daughter, Batgirl, the close up butt shots, Poison Ivy’s introduction to Gotham in a purple monkey suit, the cartoon sound effects, Poison Ivy’s plant sex puns, the nipples, Batgirl, Batman and Robin make a public appearance as guests of honor, the Batman credit card that says “Batman Forever,” Batgirl, crazy satellite realignments, and of course many more.  I’m so happy that next year moviegoers will get a true adaptation of Bane in the Dark Knight Rises and not the buffoon who mutters “Bomb” and is Poison Ivy’s bitch.  I’m really happy for George Clooney in that this movie humbled him and he was still able to carve out a great career.  It’s not really his fault.  Chris O’Donnell isn’t to blame either.  He didn’t write the terrible dialogue in which he shouts “Cowabunga.”  Also, the vehicles are just a total disgrace.  The Batmobile looks like a fucking techno dance club.  And the Batman movies always introduce cool new vehicles at the end.  In this, the three heroes look like they are driving lame silver match box cars.  Robin’s car has a giant fan behind it!  What the hell is that thing!  And it’s so LONG.  It just doesn’t end.  But when it does end, the last line of the movie is just the icing on the cake:

Alfred: I think we’re going to need a bigger cave.

I could go on and on, but that’s why we have the categories (which will be expanded just for this review).  As much as I want to give this movie an all out 1, I just can’t, because if it wasn’t for Batman and Robin, we wouldn’t have gotten the Nolan Batman movies.  I guess that’s something.

Rating: 1.5 out of 10 (I’d almost rather watch a movie where Jar Jar Binks is the only character)    

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Michael Gough as Alfred
-It’s the same old Alfred.  He at least has some okay dialogue, and the Alfred sub-plot of him dying is probably the best part of the movie.

Worst Performance: Joel Schumacher (Director), Akiva Goldsman (Writer), and Jeep Swenson (Actor) for BANE
-I’m just going to blame all these people for this atrocity.  This is the worst adaptation of any character in any book, comic book, or whatever.  They took one of Batman’s toughest and smartest villains and turned him into a bumbling idiot who barely knows how to speak.  His origin is awful, we have to endure him in a monkey suit, and at one point he grumbles, “Hooooooneeeey…Compaaaaaaany.”  Oh yea, and he wears a cute little trench coat at one point, that’s great.  Also, after he’s created, he just stands in the same pose flexing his muscles.  And then several hours later he’s still in the same pose shouting his name.  Wow.  The average person may only know Bane from this detestable incarnation, but on July 20^th 2012, that will all change.

Best Line: “Hey Freeze…the heat is on.” –Batman right before he punches Freeze at the end
-Look, I know this is a terrible line, but honestly, I was so happy to hear a heat pun and not an ice pun, I welcomed it with open arms.

Worst Batman Line:  “Never leave the cave without it.” –Batman on his credit card
-Let’s revisit the infamous Batman credit card.  This was a perfect storm of shit.  It was three consecutive Mortal Kombat uppercuts.  Its bad enough Batman and Robin start bidding on Poison Ivy, but then this sequence of events happen: Batman slides out the credit card, we get the ‘cha-ching’ cash register sound effect, and then Batman says this line.  Wow…just relentless.

Worst Robin Line: “Cowabunga!!”
-I already mentioned it.  Its fine for the Ninja Turtles, but not Robin in a fricking Batman movie.

Worst Mr. Freeze Line: “Let’s kick some ice!”
-It was a really tough call.  But I think this is the worst ice pun.  And it’s epically set up.  We get a wide shot above Freeze as the camera slowly zooms in right before he says it.  And then he draws out the line in terrible fashion.  It was a climax of every ice, snow, and winter reference that came before it.

Worst Poison Ivy Line: “Come join me.  My garden needs tending”
-Really?  Wow.

Worst Batgirl Line: “Yea, that was me.  I did it all by myself.  That was me.”
-Technically, she’s Barbara in this scene.  It doesn’t seem that bad on paper, but the delivery was so annoying to the point where I really wanted to break my DVD player.  And Alicia Silverstone is like this the whole movie.  She has these arrogant and annoying looks on her face.  It’s just awful!  She’s such an unnecessary character.

Best Fight:
-Batman and Freeze have a decent fight at the end on top of the telescope, but even then there are these two annoying scientists who are cheering and yelling out lines like “dirty fighter.”  It’s like we can’t go two minutes without something awful happening in this movie.

WTF Moment:
-Wow, so much to choose from.  I can talk about how Batman’s gadgets are more ridiculous then in the 60’s show.  Really, he clicks his heels and there are ice skates.  If he knew he was going to go up against Mr. Freeze, I could maybe buy that he would be prepared with those, but he doesn’t get the Freeze information till he’s in costume and driving to the museum.  There’s also Alfred already having a Batgirl costume ready to go, and then Batman accepting Batgirl as his second partner in less than ten seconds.  Yea, it took him an entire movie to finally warm up to Robin.  There’s also Bruce Wayne’s relationship with Julie Madison that doesn’t even get resolved!!  She’s in two scenes, and this is never revisited!  That’s just terrible screenwriting.  But amongst all this crap, I’m officially crowning my Batman and Robin WTF moment as this: After Robin’s motorcycle crashes through the Museum wall, it leaves a perfect Robin symbol as the hole.  For some reason, this angers me a great deal.  HOW DOES CRASHING INTO A WALL LEAVE A PERFECT ROBIN SYMBOL!  W…T…F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best Scene:
-The End Credits

Worst Scene:
-That stupid and worthless motorcycle race scene with Dick Grayson and Barbara.  It’s not bad enough we have porno music blasting in the background, but it’s so long and drawn out.  The only plot point it serves is Dick Grayson finding out where Barbara goes at night.  I’m glad we got such a long dumb action scene for that.  Phew.

Funniest Moment:
-When Bruce says, “She wants to kill you, Dick,” that was kind of funny.  Clooney delivered it well.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Seeing the Riddler costume in the criminal property locker at Arkham was kind of bad ass.

Will Batman and Robin ever be re-released in theaters so people can go to mid-night showings, get drunk, and heckle it with friends:
-Maybe…but personally, I think it’s so bad; I wouldn’t even want to do that.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #29

Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997)

Plot: The evil Divatox (Hilary Shepard Turner) vows to kidnap the wizard Lerigot (Jon Simanton) as he is the only one who can open the realm of the vicious monster Maligore (Mike Deak).  Divatox’s plan is to marry the monster, forging a powerful and evil union.  Only the Power Rangers can stop her.

This feels like it should be on TV.  I can’t believe it was in theaters.  Everything from the music, acting, settings, it just screams television.  Look, the first Power Rangers movie was no masterpiece, but at least I got by with a few fights.  They don’t even morph into the stupid Power Rangers until the last third of the movie!  And it doesn’t help that it’s slow as hell.  Cut me a break!  There are so many bad performances, including Jason (Austin St. John) whose lack of energy is really astounding.  It was like James Franco at the Oscars.  And I really hate Zordon (Bob Manahan).  His mouth doesn’t even move in this one.  His head just floats around in a fricking water tank all day.  He’s so useless!  Can someone just pour Drano down there and flush him out.  I just can’t stand the laziness of this film.  The wizard Lerigot can just use his random powers to solve anything.  He waves his fingers, a beam of light shoots out, and everything’s fine.  Wow…real creative.  And do I really need to sit through fart and condiment jokes in addition to terrible puns.  Oy-Vey.  But the worst part about this movie is the villains.  They are so fricking annoying.  I think this is the last Power Rangers movie I have to endure…Thank God.

Rating: 3.5 out of 10 (Atrocious)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Jason David Frank as Tommy Oliver/Red Turbo Ranger
-I guess he was passable.  Whatever.

Worst Performance: Hilary Shepard Turner as Divatox
-This was torturous.  She is so whiney, obnoxious, annoying, and loud.  Seriously, she screams everything.  “I didn’t even get a honeymooooooon!”  “I want my moooooooooomy.”  And that voice, oh man.  It’s a female Gilbert Gottfried.

Best Line: “We’re sinking.  Got to go!” –Elgar
-The boat is in total turmoil, but he’s on the phone.  He hangs up and says this like he’s having a casual conversation while things are blowing up around him.  I don’t know…it was kind of funny.  It’s the best I got, sorry.

Worst Line: “Evil is like evil does.” –Evil Kimberly
-As terrible as this line is, part of me is hopeful they wanted to totally rip off Forrest Gump and go with, “Evil is as evil does,” but someone at Paramount said, “No…we want no involvement with your movie,” and they had to find a cheap loop hole. 

Best Fight:
-Tommy and an evil version of Jason fight atop a volcano.  Once again, it was passable.

WTF Moment:
-This little kid Justin gets to be a Power Ranger!  What the hell!  Don’t they have some kind of application or interview process?  They just throw him right in there.  He’s like twelve!  Zordon is such an asshole, just throwing kids out there to potentially die. 

Best Scene:
-When the Rangers approach the magic ship that will take them through the portal to Maligore, it’s kind of creepy, dark, and dingy.  The setting looked okay.

Worst Scene:
-It’s the first scene where we’re introduced to Divatox and all her stupid minions.  It’s people in bad costumes bumbling around making bad puns while Divatox just screams at everything.  Kill me now.

Funniest Moment:
-Rocky is such a dumb ass.  The Rangers are training for this martial arts tournament and he does a stupid jump kick right out of the ring.  What are you doing?  Obviously you’re going to hit the floor hard.  He spends the entire movie in the hospital.  What an idiot.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Every time Maligore hits someone, blue electricity sparks out.  It was kind of cool.  Yea, it was hard to choose the positive categories for this movie, give me a break.

Top 10 TV Theme Songs

A great TV theme song can sometimes outlast the actual show in terms of legendary status.  In some cases, the theme song is the best part of the show.  When you’re watching an episode, maybe you’re disappointed the theme is over and everything else from there is just a let down.  Well I’m here to bring you my personal top 10 TV themes.  I’ve got a mix of no brainers and odd ones.  I try not to let the actual opening credit sequence influence me and just focus on the music itself.  Now, let me be very clear: I am no music expert.  I can barely tell a guitar from a bass.  I have no idea what’s going on in terms of actual notes.  These are just the themes that for whatever reason hit me hard.  Here we go…

Honorable Mentions: Ducktales, Cheers, Ren and Stimpy, and CHIPS.

10) The Simpsons Theme

-To be honest, I really had to shoe horn this one in.  I think it’s a really good song, but it’s more so the show itself that got it on the list.  But it ultimately makes the cut for the first five seconds of, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimpppppppppsons.”

9) The Saved by the Bell Theme

-When I hear that bell ring, I get all jittery.  The lyrics in general are amazing, but it’s really the chorus that drives it home.  “It’s allllright, because I’m Saved by the Bell.”  It’s also got that rocking guitar going.  I think of this song as an amalgam of post eighties/early nineties.  I think the Saved by the Bell theme is a symbol, bridging the music between the two decades.  But the song really goes crazy at the end where they repeat “It’s alright, because I’m saved by the…” three times before finally ending strong with “Bell.”  Amazing.

8 – The early 90’s X-Men Theme

-What can I say?  It’s just really bad ass, epic, and intense.  This one is a lot better though when watching it with the opening theme sequence, especially towards the end when you see Professor X and Magneto lead their respective teams and run at one another.

7) The 60’s Batman Theme

-The lyrics consist of one word if you don’t count the “da-da-da-da-da” at the end, but it’s all you need.  Even if you aren’t watching the opening sequence, you can imagine the “Bams” and “Pows” as you hear the music. 

6) The Original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme

-First of all, more than any other TV theme in existence, it gives you the back story and character traits succinctly and flawlessly.  Everyone knows that “Leonardo leads,” “Donatello does machines,” “Raphael is cool but crude,” and “Michelangelo is a party dude,” because the theme song was so damn good.  They remixed it for the last three seasons, and it’s actually a solid rendition, but a little darker.

5) The NCAA March Madness Basketball Theme

-I have a love/hate relationship with this theme song.  Sometimes I hear it and get pumped up because I know it means 55 different basketball games are about to be played at the same time.  But other times it makes me want to rip up my terrible brackets.  Nevertheless, it truly is an amazing piece of music.  I can actually hear brackets being filled out as I hear it.

4) The Monday Night Football Theme

-It may be the most iconic theme on the list.  When I hear those horns blast, I can’t tell you the adrenaline rush I get.  And it just keeps building and building the intensity level as the theme goes on.  But at the end, they circle back to how it begins.  For some, the song may represent failed dreams and heartbreak, but one thing’s for sure; when you hear it, it’s time for football.

3) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme

-This may be the best thing Will Smith has ever and will ever do.  I fricking love this song.  It’s sleek, funny, cool, and even suspenseful at times.  When he’s singing “When a couple of guys, who were up to no good,” there’s almost this chilling beat to it.  Now there’s both a long and short version.  I think the shorter is superior.  This one is enhanced a lot by watching the credit sequence, especially when he does that crazy head spin.

2) The People’s Court Theme

-I’m convinced this show was popular solely because of the theme.  Look, Judge Wapner was awesome, but the theme…holy shit.  This defines the word ‘intensity.’  I can’t put into words how awesome this song is.  It’s called ‘the big one’ which you can download on iTunes.  It’s over four minutes long, but honestly, it’s not long enough.  The thing turns into a horror song at one point.  But really, I consider this song all genres of music rolled into one super song.  I can dance to it, run to it, listen to it while I work, and just get generally inspired by it.  In fact, this theme inspired me to do the list.  So if this isn’t number one, what on earth could be…

1) The Seinfeld Theme

-I think it’s the only choice.  More than any other theme, you can instantly recall episodes, dialogue, character moments, just anything having to do with the show within the first two seconds of the song.  Seinfeld just floods your brain when you hear that bass kick in.  And let’s just think about the music in general.  Would Seinfeld have been the phenomenon that it is if this iconic music didn’t exist?  Probably…but it’s a legit question.  I think it’s only fitting that we end on the best theme that represents the best TV show ever.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #28

Darkman III: Die Darkman Die (1996)

Plot: Peter Rooker (Jeff Fahey), a powerful criminal, employs a gifted doctor (Darlanne Fluegel) to isolate Westlake’s (Arnold Vosloo) blood sample into a powerful steroid and sell it on the black market.  Rooker has also stolen the only copy of Westlake’s research, which Westlake vows to get back as his alter ego Darkman.

This is the last Darkman movie, which is good, because I’m a little Darkmaned out.  This one isn’t bad, but not as strong as Darkman II.  I really enjoy the plot of this one though in creating a super steroid with Westlake’s blood.  You know, it’s weird.  This movie was released in 1996, and the bad female doctor is talking about selling this steroid to professional athletes.  This was two years before the Mark McGuire/Sammy Sosa homerun chase.  How were we so blind?  It was all there in Darkman III!  Anyways, let’s stay on topic.  We get our share of solid action.  There’s an awesome chase where Darkman is jumping on these barrels while being shot at.  The barrels explode as the bullets impact.  It kind of looked like a Donkey Kong Country level.  Unfortunately once again, that stupid over the top freak image montage plays in Darkman’s head.  And they do it twice.  Sigh.  Also, it seems like Westlake is always encountering doctors who are further ahead in skin research then he is.  I thought this guy was supposed to be a genius?  WTF.  They change up the disguise trick a bit.  Instead of using it to quickly take people by surprise, it was interesting to see Darkman have to portray Rooker while at his own surprise birthday party and interact with his family.  There is a little too much family drama in this one, and it gets a little nutty at the end.  It doesn’t have the Durant level bad guy like in the last two, but it’s a solid entry.  Please no more though.  I think we’ve exhausted everything we can do with the Darkman character.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 (Slightly better than ‘meh’) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Arnold Vosloo as Dr. Peyton Westlake/Darkman
-Just another solid turn here as Westlake.  I always found the Darkman character to be goofy and over the top, but in this entry, Vosloo brought a more serious presence when he’s in costume.

Worst Performance: Alicia Panetta as Jenny Rooker
-I hate bagging on child actors, but it’s just another over the top kid performance.  Sorry Alicia.

Best Line: “You made me look real bad!” –Adam
                         “You could do worse.” –Darkman
-Not a bad little retort from Darkman.  His lines usually suck too.

Worst Line: “Looks like you got an eyeful.” –Darkman after throwing the electrical tracker into the henchman’s eye
-Like I said, his lines usually suck.

Best Fight:
-Just a ‘meh’ fight between Darkman and the roided-up Rooker at the end, although they do have a long lead pipe battle.  What is this, Clue? 

WTF Moment:
-It’s got to be the end when Westlake gives up his one formula of liquid skin goo healer stuff to Jenny.  Why couldn’t he just replicate the formula first and then give it to her.  She can’t wait a few hours?  WTF.

Best Scene:
-Darkman has the choice to save the just elected DA, or follow Rooker to get his magic skin formula back.  He obviously saves the DA, and this is really the climax of the entire Darkman/Westlake character throughout all three movies.

Worst Scene:
-The four test subjects who are injected with the Westlake steroid are so fricking stupid.  This is like watching four Bebops and Rocksteadys.  One of the stupid roided-up goons jumps in front of a bullet thinking nothing will happen.  What a dumb ass.

Funniest Moment:
-Rooker is such an asshole.  His little sweet daughter comes in during a business meeting and parades her new dress shouting, “Daddy, daddy, look, it’s my new dress!”  Rooker responds like this: “Not now Jenny!!”  And the way he says it is so scathing.  His daughter is like six or seven years old!

Bad Ass Moment:
-This bad ass moment we don’t even get to see.  When they give a rat the Westlake steroid and put it in a cage with a huge cat, the camera cuts away.  We see Rooker’s henchmen watch in horror as the cat screeches in pain.  Oh man, I really wanted to see the rat destroy that cat.  Oh well.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #27

The Phantom (1996)

Plot: Set in the 1930’s, a powerful New York criminal (Treat Williams) attempts to unite three ancient skulls born from an evil pirate brotherhood centuries old.  The only one who can stop him is the Phantom (Billy Zane), a descendant of heroes born hundreds of years ago from an ancient jungle tribe.

This one was a real chore.  The Phantom wastes no time in propelling you right into an abyss of crap and piss poor story telling.  Not only is this boring, but it’s impossible to follow.  It’s one thing to not reveal every little detail until later on in the movie, but you need to at least establish the basic premise of what the hell is going on.  I really thought I was missing film reels.  I had no idea what was happening in the first twenty minutes.  There’s talk of a bunch of skulls, an evil brotherhood, and random ghosts are disappearing and reappearing…what is this crap?  And what are the Phantom’s powers exactly?  He just shoots guns.  What is so great about this purple moron?  I also hate when movies just say, “Oh, the villain is looking for a great power source.”  Come on!  What does that power source do?  You can’t just say power!  But the real issue with this crap film goes back to the fact that they don’t fully explain everything until the very end.  You can’t do that, otherwise instead of enjoying the action scenes (which suck by the way), I’m to busy thinking about the basic aspects of the plot.  And Billy Zane should be no where near a superhero movie, or any movie for that matter.  Yikes.  Aside from a decent villain (Treat Williams), the two female leads (Kristy Swanson and Catherine Zeta Jones), and a small cameo from the guy who plays Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), this movie is boring, confusing, and simply blows bags.

Rating: 4 out of 10 (Really Bad)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Treat Williams as Xander Drax
-This is the main villain, and he at least brings some energy to the movie.  He’s funny, and I love how he kills people so nonchalantly.

Worst Performance: Billy Zane as Kit Walker/the Phantom
-I have to admit, it’s pretty amazing when you can talk in the same exact monotone voice for an entire movie. 

Best Line: “You figure it out!” –Diana to Sala
-Basically Sala is mocking Diana for loving the Phantom, and Diana asks Sala if she cares about anything.  Sala retorts with, “What is that supposed to mean,” and then we get this “figure it out” line from Diana.  This was well delivered, and a great reaction from Catherine Zeta Jones.  There was actually acting and character development going on here, and the lines were pretty slim-pickens in terms of choices. 

Worst Line: “I contracted malaria, mother” –Diana
                              “That’s nice.” -Lily
-Okay, what the hell is this?  Diana randomly comes out with this line and is real chipper about it.  And then the mother is even more chipper.  Huh?  What?

Best Fight:
-There’s barely anything to pick.  All the fights were lackluster.  When the Phantom fights the Shang Tsung guy, I think there were a couple good kicks in there…whatever.

WTF Moment:
-It’s the first second of the movie.  The title, “For those who came in late” comes on the screen.  What the hell does that mean?  I know I didn’t come in late because I watched this from the beginning on itunes.  What did I walk in late too?  Was there a prequel to this?  Well the dumb opening certainly sets the tone for the movie.

Best Scene:
-Once again, it’s slim-pickens.  The Phantom hangs on the back of a plane and his horse runs under it.  He has to time the jump.  I guess that was fine.

Worst Scene:
-One of the things that really angered me with this movie is that the action isn’t even exciting.  There’s a chase in New York where the Phantom steals a police horse and a couple policemen chase him.  It’s so boring.  The horse just rides straight.  There aren’t’ even any turns.  And then the Phantom escapes by jumping on a wall at the zoo.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  That’s our big chase scene!  Oy vey.

Funniest Moment:
-So Drax has this nasty microscope with blades that pop out when you turn it.  He has some random librarian take a look at something through the microscope and the blades go through his eyes.  Then Drax gives a pretty sweet line: “I guess you won’t need these anymore” and crushes his glasses.  Hahaha…what a dick.

Bad Ass Moment:
-So some random mob guy doesn’t want to be a part of Drax’s skull plan and out of no where, he launches this spear off the wall right at him.  And it was a fair distance away.  Drax in general saves this film from being completely terrible.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #26

The Meteor Man (1993)

*Delayed Review

Plot: Jefferson Reed (Robert Townsend) is a timid substitute teacher whose neighborhood is overrun by gangs, most notably the Golden Lords who recruit kids.  After a meteor hits Reed, he gets super powers and attempts to clean up his community becoming the super hero ‘Meteor Man.’

The credits begin much like the Superman credits.  Gee, I wonder what they were going for here.  There isn’t much to Meteor Man.  It’s rehashing so many things we’ve seen before.  When Reed is discovering what powers he has, it’s embarrassingly predictable.  Although throwing in communing with dogs and memorizing a book for thirty seconds was at least somewhat fresh.  There is some random cast and cameo appearances here that I guess weren’t that big a deal at the time, but check these out; James Earl Jones.  Sinbad.  Eddie Griffin.  Bill Cosby.  Don Cheadle.  Wow.  The characters are likable enough, although I think Reed’s parents are kind of assholes.  They pretty much force their son to be a super hero on day two of learning his powers.  Let the man take it all in first, geez.  They also tell everyone in the community who he is.  Oh yea, no pressure there.  What a bunch of jerks.  The absolute highlight of the film are the bad guys; the Golden Lords.  This gang is awesome.  Let me give you a run down; they have golden blonde hair, a tiger, jackets that say ‘Simon Says,’ and the gang leader carries around a golden slinky.  Now that’s bad ass.  Meteor Man is pretty bland, but there are some funny moments, solid acting, and it was nice to see a Frank Gorshin cameo.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’)   

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Robert Townsend as Jefferson Reed/Meteor Man
-He’s just a really likable guy.  He starts out pretty pathetic, but it’s enjoyable to watch him grow into the confident super hero he becomes.  He’s a good main character to latch onto.

Worst Performance: Sinbad as Malik
-It’s not really so much Sinbad, as it is the character.  He’s this African American guy talking about how nervous he is because he’s dating his “first black girlfriend” and he uses terms like “chilly” as he tries to act “ghetto.”  I won’t even get into what he wears.  I’m just gonna stop right there, it was uncomfortable.

Best Line: “Thirty seconds…Thank God.” –Michael
-When both Reed and Simon have the meteor powers, they touch a model runway book and break out into a model runway off right in the middle of their fight.  When it finally ends, Michael comes out with this line.  Eddie Griffin had perfect delivery here.  I like Griffin a lot in this movie.  He’s funny, but it’s subtle, and not in your face.  This line was a perfect example of that.

Worst Line: “Drug dealer people…Meteor Man’s in town” –Meteor Man
-“Drug Dealer People?”  Come on writers.  Just say Drug Dealers.

Best Fight:
-The fight at the end between Reed and Simon is pretty good.  It’s a little long, but it’s the true climax of Reed’s character.  When they both get the meteor powers, they have a lead pipe sword fight type of battle which was pretty cool.

WTF Moment:
-James Earl Jones wears an Afro/Mohawk type hairdo throughout most of the movie.  It’s James Earl Jones!  Enough said.

Best Scene:
-I liked when Bill Cosby’s character communed with a bunch of dogs.  I don’t think Cosby had one line of dialogue throughout the whole movie, which was weird. 

Worst Scene:
-All the people in this neighborhood are assholes!  After things start to get real bad, the entire community blames Meteor Man for interfering.  They made him do all this!!  They gave him a meteor phone!  And they want to give the Golden Lords Meteor Man in exchange for safety!  What a bunch of dick bags!!  What the hell is wrong with these people?  And Earnest Moses, one of Reed’s closest friends, suggests they vote on it!  Wow.  Now everyone eventually comes through in the end, but still…What jerk faces!

Funniest Moment:
-When you first hear the dog speak, it sounds like a monotone robot.

Bad Ass Moment:
-One special effects moment that kind of worked is when Reed jumps in front of a shit load of bullets and you see like 35 Reeds.  That was pretty solid.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #25

Darkman II: The Return of Durant (1995)

Plot: Crime Lord Robert G. Durant (Larry Drake) comes out of his coma and vows to take back the city with the help of a crazy scientist (Lawrence Dane) who constructs a new type of super gun.  Dr. Peyton Westlake (Arnold Vosloo) returns as ‘Darkman’ to stop his old nemesis.

I’m going to piss off Sam Raimi fans, but I enjoyed this more than the original.  Yea, that’s right.  Aside from a couple brief moments, it takes away the goofy elements and random images which I hated.  It’s a solid action flick with strong acting all around.  I like how Darkman is approached this time.  The character is still silly here and there, especially when he yells “Nooooooooooooooo,” but it’s an improvement.  He’s accepted his role, and is a confident hero but still persistent in his pursuit of skin tissue regeneration.  Although you would think he would have figured out how to replace skin for more than 99 minutes.  You’re still dealing this?  Come on man.  But at least this time he’s not dancing around singing “Look at the dancing freak.”  He gets involved with a new doctor, Dr. Brinkman (Jesse Collins), who’s kind of dickish at times if you ask me.  In fact a lot of people act like total dicks in this movie.  Durant is driving golf balls off the roof into other buildings.  I know he’s a bad guy, but come on.  What a jackass.  Going into this, I thought it was going to be excruciatingly predictable and more of the same Darkman being a Master of Disguise thing, but the movie actually does a great job of surprising me and keeping me on my toes.  And it kills characters you think will be important early on.  The great moments in the original Darkman are better than the best moments from this, but Darkman II makes up for it by not having the laughable crap from the first one.

Rating: 7 out of 10 (Good)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Lawrence Dane as Dr. Alfred Hathaway
-I love this dude!  He’s so into his job.  How do you not like a guy who sings Glory, Glory Hallelujah after a successful test of a weapon he designed?

Worst Performance: Sten Eirik as Whitey
-He’s got one of the first lines in the film, and overacts the shit out of it.  I’m thinking to myself, “Uh-Oh…What am I in for?”  But he’s the only crappy actor, thank goodness.

Best Line: “This isn’t science fiction Mr. Perkins.  This sir is science faction” –Dr. Hathaway
-Science Faction!  That’s awesome.  And he says it with so much energy and seriousness.  Science Faction…What a great term.

Worst Line: “You forgot to zip your fly Eddie.” –Darkman disguised as Eddie
                              “Oh…Thanks Bud” –Eddie
-Okay, this is weird.  Eddie hasn’t even left the urinal yet and ‘Darkman’ is looking down commenting on the unzipped fly.  Eddie is just like, “Whatever man, thanks.”  Shouldn’t Eddie be wondering why he’s looking at his pants?  If it was in passing down the hallway or something, then okay.  But Eddie hasn’t even left the urinal’s atmosphere yet.  It’s just a little strange. 

Best Fight:
-There’s a decent fist fight between Ivan and Darkman disguised as Ivan.  This was cool because it reminded me of one of those mirror fights from Mortal Kombat.  I hate fighting Johnny Cage as Johnny Cage.  When the nut puncher moves collide, it gets ugly.

WTF Moment:
-Darkman (disguised as Ivan) is given the opportunity to take the mega gun, but he hesitates.  I know you want to keep the disguise going and fool Durant, but he could have just taken the gun and destroyed all of his enemies in one shot with this thing.  Just do it!  Forget the mind games!  End it!  WTF!

Best Scene:
-Ivan arrives at the car place to pick up Durant’s wheels and has a shouting match with the ‘Mechanic.’  The ‘Mechanic’ rolls out from under the car and its Darkman disguised as Ivan.  This really caught me off guard, and keep in mind, they had done the Darkman playing other people thing twice already.  I knew it would be Darkman, but I didn’t think it would be him as Ivan. I should have known it was coming, but it was a great build up. 

Worst Scene:
-When you have a movie called Darkman II: the Return of Durant and kill him in ho-hum fashion (car blows up), it’s a cop out.  That’s the big climactic death?  What a let down.

Funniest Moment:
-It’s multiple moments, but the same idea.  Although I’m not a big fan of the “Noooooooooooo” yells, I love when Durant and Westlake yell out each other’s name in rage.  “Duuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaanttttt!!”  “Weeeeeeeessssstttlaaaaaaaaaakkeee!!”

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Darkman knocks out Eddie and slams him into the toilet stall, Eddie’s hand flushes the toilet on impact…Awesome.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #24

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

Plot: After thousands of years in captivity, the vile Ivan Ooze (Paul Freeman) returns to Earth.  When a group of super powered teens (the Power Rangers) try to stop him, their powers are taken away when Ivan destroys their home base and severely weakens their leader Zordon (Nicholas Bell).  The Rangers must travel to a distant planet and find a power source to get their abilities back and stop Ivan from destroying the world.

You know it’s a 90’s movie when you see a group of really happy teenagers’ rollerblading.  I’ve never been a Power Rangers guy, alright.  I always thought they were JV version Ninja Turtles.  And after seeing the movie, I was pretty much dead on.  The acting is terrible.  The one-liners are atrocious.  And they don’t even try to distinguish personalities among the six Rangers.  They are all interchangeable.  At times this feels like television level production, and that’s kind of a problem when you’re a motion picture.  The villains are silly, annoying, and their costumes are a complete joke.  And it’s just a lazy movie.  There’s no clever or rational explanation for anything, it just does what it wants.   But to be fair, the fighting is pretty solid, it moves a good pace, and it at least entertains for the most part.  There’s also a huge robot battle towards the end, and even though the special effects are piss poor, at least I could tell what was going on unlike say, oh I don’t know…Transformers! 

Rating: 5 out of 10 (Barely Passable Entertainment)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Paul Freeman as Ivan Ooze
-He had a solid voice.  That’s pretty much all I have to say.

Worst Performance: All of the Power Rangers
-They all speak the same way, say the same things, and react identically to every situation.  Nothing distinguishes them except gender and race.

Best Line: “Zordon still uses a bunch of kids to do his dirty work.” –Ivan Ooze
-Yea, good point.  Seriously, does Zordon just sit on his ass all day as a giant head and recruit teenagers?  What a lazy asshole.

Worst Line: “Yo fossil head.  I got a bone to pick with you.” –Tommy while fighting a living bone dinosaur
-There were a lot of bad puns, but this is the worst.

Best Fight:
-There’s a decent fight the Rangers have with these Rock Soldiers, although they would have been destroyed by General Trag’s Rock Soldiers from Ninja Turtles.  Take that Power Ranger fans.

WTF Moment:
-Ivan creates these bird-like warriors from his snot and then later when they fail, he obliterates them as hundreds of feathers float to the ground.  I don’t know.  I feel like PETA would get right on this…a little controversial for a kid’s movie. 

Best Scene:
-When those bone dinosaurs do come to life, it’s kind of cool with decent special effects.  They kind of look like the Dry Bone Koopas from Super Mario Brothers.

Worst Scene:
-When the Rangers are given their animal spirits, it’s used to answer and solve every single obstacle from that point on.  It’s just really lazy.  And they try and distinguish each character with an animal.  They are all the same!  Don’t even pretend like these are different characters.

Funniest Moment:

-When the crazy woman warrior Dulcea tells the Rangers many have failed in obtaining the distant planet’s power source, Tommy (the leader Ranger) defiantly says, “We won’t fail,” and Dulcea just stomps him to the ground in one motion.  Hahaha…take that Tommy.

Bad Ass:
-The Red Ranger’s robot Zord is an ape and he jumps on the back of one of Ivan’s deadly robots.  I guess giant ape robots are pretty cool.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #23

Batman Forever (1995)

Plot: After creating a device that increases his brain power, Edward Nygma (Jim Carrey) becomes a super criminal known as the Riddler, and aligns himself with Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones) to destroy and uncover the identity of Batman (Val Kilmer).

Batman Returns opened with a new born child being thrown into a river, abandoned.  Batman Forever opens like this:

Alfred: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman: I’ll get drive-thru.

Clearly, Warner Brothers went in another direction with Batman.  While Forever is no where near the Burton films, it’s a passable Batman movie.  It has its share of highs and lows.  There’s a lot more action, but gone is the dark look of Gotham and in comes a neon infested light show.  The music is terrible compared to Elfman’s brilliant score.  Although this one focuses more on Bruce Wayne and Batman, it’s still dominated by the villains.  My dream of seeing a serious attempt at the Riddler has been crushed twice.  I really want to hate the Riddler in this movie, but I just can’t.  Jim Carrey is legitimately hilarious in this film.  It may not be the Riddler I want, but Carrey is too charming and funny to ignore.  The energy he brings to this character is insane.  And there are still a lot of great Riddler moments that are true to the character.  I love the story surrounding him, and I even like some of the riddles.  What is detestable in Forever is Two-Face.  What a complete disaster.  First of all, I really hate the pinkish leopard skin suit he wears.  And why is his scarred side pink!!  Come on!  He laughs way too much, and when’s he’s in a scene with the Riddler, it’s downright embarrassing.  He just cackles along and doesn’t do anything!  What a complete waste of a great character.  And I swear there are multiple scenes where he looks like he’s going to make out with the Riddler.  The worst though is when he keeps flipping his coin at Wayne Manor deciding whether or not to shoot Bruce.  This completely defeats the purpose of the character.  And they take the two personality thing way too far; his hideout is just disgusting to look at.  The best part about Forever is how Dick Grayson/Robin (Chris O’Donnell) is introduced.  O’Donnell is great in the role, and Robin is eased into the story.  They could have easily made Grayson a jokey whiney annoying teenager, but instead he’s a driven and serious character.  And seeing him and Batman shake hands for the first time was pretty awesome.  All in all, Batman Forever isn’t bad and is at least wildly entertaining, but there’s no denying the subtle hints of the shit storm that comes two years later with Batman and Robin.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 (Slightly Better than ‘Meh’)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Jim Carrey as Edward Nygma/the Riddler
-I was going to go with Val Kilmer who is a real solid Bruce Wayne/Batman, but I have to give it to Carrey.  The characterization of the Riddler is so far off from what I wanted to see, yet Carrey’s performance is so good, I let it slide.  I don’t know if there’s anyone else who could have pulled that off.  Even if you are the most serious Batman fan, I dare you not to crack a smile at what he does. 

Worst Performance: Tommy Lee Jones as Harvey Dent/Two-Face
-This isn’t Tommy Lee Jones’ fault.  We know he can act.  This was what director Joel Schumacher wanted.  I already ranted about this in the opening, but his Two-Face is a preview of the debacle we get two years later.

Best Line: “For if knowledge is power, then a God am I.” –the Riddler
-This sums up the ego and arrogance of the character perfectly, and the fact that he says this while sitting on his ridiculous throne is the icing on the cake.

Worst Line: “It’s the car right?  Chicks dig the car.” –Batman
-Can you imagine Christian Bale saying this in a Nolan Batman movie?  Yikes.

Best Fight:
-Robin and Two-Face at the end.  Although it’s not really a fight, I think O’Donnell’s performance really shines here.  And this is the true climax of the Robin character development.  It’s a really well done scene.

WTF Moment:
-Batman makes a house call to Dr. Chase Meridian to see if Chase loves him or Bruce Wayne.  Wow…WTF.

Best Scene:
-I love when the Bat-Wing and Bat-Boat storm Claw Island.  It continues the tradition of introducing bad ass vehicles at the end of a Batman movie.  In the first one, we had the plane.  The second gave us that jet/boat thing.  And here we get both.  And yes, I even like when the Riddler and Two-Face play battleship to blow them up.

Worst Scene:
-I hate when the Riddler blows up the Bat Cave.  This is where the jokey dialogue wears a little thin.  And it contains one of the worst moments in any Batman movie; the baseball stadium music as the Riddler “pitches” a bomb…and does the crouch grab.  Like I said, it’s a preview of Batman and Robin. 

Funniest Moment:
-When the Riddler puts on that neon jacket and says, “Like the jacket…it keeps me safe when I’m jogging at night,” cracks me up every time.  I would do anything to own that jacket.  My guess is it’s in Jim Carrey’s closet somewhere.  Man that would be fun to walk around in.

Bad Ass Moment:
-I’m just gonna say the Riddler’s hideout.  When Batman goes up that elevator shaft and you see all the question marks light up in the circular dome, it’s a pretty bad ass sight.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #22

The Mask (1994)

Plot: When lowly bank employee Stanley Ipkiss (Jim Carrey) finds a mysterious mask, it transforms him into a crazy green faced super powered misfit called ‘the Mask.’  The Mask gets in the middle of Dorian’s (Peter Greene) plans, a criminal trying to overtake the city’s current crime lord Niko (Orestes Matacena).

The Mask simply doesn’t work without Jim Carrey.  I can’t think of anyone else capable of playing a live action cartoon character.  That’s what this is.  The Mask is an insane creation.  Anyone else would have made this annoying as hell, but Carrey somehow keeps the same shtick funny for the whole movie.  It really is a damn good performance.  I love everything the Mask does, from making a tommy-gun out of balloons, freezing in mid-air when the cops tell him to “freeze,” and yes, I even like the Cuban Pete dance number.  When the Mask isn’t on screen, it’s a mediocre film, but even Carrey’s performance as Stanley Ipkiss is still very relatable.  The poor guy deals with some real dick heads, including Car Mechanics and even his best friend Charlie (Richard Jeni), who leaves him outside the club and always tries to pick up every woman before he can.  The effects are pretty solid too.  They are the perfect amount of zany.  The story is piss poor, and there’s barely a plot, but you watch this movie for one reason; Jim Carrey.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very Good)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Jim Carrey as Stanley Ipkiss/the Mask
-I’ve pretty much said all I need to say.  Carrey almost convinces me he’s a cartoon.

Worst Performance: Peter Greene as Dorian Tyrell
-Just another boring run of the mill crime guy.  His voice is pretty cool when he puts on the mask though.

Best Line: “I think he wants to communicate.” –The Mask while an angry driver is impatient and honking his horn
-The calmness and delivery is perfect.

Worst Line: “I’m just an ex-employee who’s come for his back pay.  Or should I say pay back.” –Dorian as the Mask
-You would think wearing the mask would give him better dialogue. 

Best Fight:
-There really isn’t any because the Mask just destroys people.  Although the fist fight Stanley has with Dorian is decent, only because Carrey has a couple funny lines.

WTF Moment:
-This always pissed me off.  When the Mask pretends to be a dying cowboy, we see a shadowy audience clap at the bottom of the screen.  Someone gives him an Oscar, but wait; it’s a clear, crystal looking Oscar.  What!  Why the hell isn’t it gold?  They couldn’t get a real Oscar?  Is there some kind of legal issue?  Don’t they have a prop guy that can handle this?  Why do they make it a see through Oscar!  It’s really annoying!!

Best Scene:
-The whole arrival and dance scene at the Coco Bongo Club is pretty epic.  This scene had to of been influenced by Who Framed Roger Rabbit.  The dance sequence between Carrey and Diaz is fantastic to watch.  It also has the classic heart pounding out of the chest moment, which is what I always think of when I think of this movie.

Worst Scene:
-Did we really need to see the dog put on the Mask?  The movie sinks to juvenile levels here.  The dog pees on someone, bites someone’s ass and rips their pants, this was just unnecessary.

Funniest Moment:
-As the Cops pull out random crap from the Mask’s pockets, they find a picture of the main antagonist cop’s wife, which gets me every time.  I love his response: “Margaret…(to the Mask) you son of a bitch.”  Classic

Bad Ass Moment:
-It’s surprisingly not from Stanley’s alter ego, but Dorian’s.  When Dorian gets shot and sucks the bullets out and spits them back at Niko…that was pretty damn cool.  It begs the question, what else could an evildoer achieve with the mask?  Stanley is a nice guy, and it turned him into a criminal, so I can only imagine what it does to assholes.