Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #47

Hellboy (2004)

Plot: When the Nazis open a supernatural portal in 1944, a baby demon is released from Hell, but is kept in the custody of the FBI years later while raised by the paranormal doctor who found him.  Known as ‘Hellboy,’ (Ron Perlman) the demon hunts down other supernatural beings.  Present Day, the forces that released him onto Earth return in order to use him for his intended and dark purpose.

Hellboy is like a good version of Men in Black.  It opens in whacky fashion as this guy Rasputin (Karel Roden) opens a portal with what I swear looks like the old Nintendo Power Glove.  Hellboy is such a silly premise that many directors would screw up, but Guillermo del Toro nails it.  Although the story is kind of weak, this is a strong character piece with a ton of likable performances, especially Perlman as the lead.  I like how he files down his horns in an attempt to look like everyone else.  It’s a subtle element that really illustrates his character.  Hellboy is always jokey.  Sometimes he’s funny, but when he’s not, the lines are at the very least tolerable.  The humor is just right, especially with Jeffrey Tambor’s performance.  At a glance, it seems like odd casting, but many other comedic actors would have screwed it up.  It’s a Guillermo del Torro film, so of course the visuals are stunning.  I especially love when Abe (the fish guy) is swimming in the sewer water that’s greenish, but somehow it still looks gorgeous.  There are a few things though hindering this from being great.  It’s excruciatingly repetitive, especially with these weird resurrection monsters.  They have two separate and long identical fights with Hellboy, and also show up at the end.  Do something else!  The last act is kind of ‘meh,’ despite a couple bad ass moments.  Hellboy’s got great characters, but a stronger story, better villain, and a little more energy in some of these action scenes could have made this great, but it’s a strong film nonetheless.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very Good) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: David Hyde Pierce as Abe Sapien (voice)
-I was driving myself crazy trying to figure out who voiced Abe because it sounded so damn familiar.  When I looked up it was David Hyde Pierce, I thought that was pretty cool.  Great voice acting.  It fit the character perfectly.  Why the hell was Abe no where to be found at the end!  He was my favorite character.

Worst Performance: Kevin Trainor as Young Trevor ‘Broom’ Bruttenholm
-It’s a small part, but he was such an annoying worrywart.  When John Hurt plays him in present day, it’s such a more likable character.

Best Line: “We lead a charmed life.” –Abe to Hellboy after inspecting bugs
-I appreciated this line so much more when I found out David Hyde Pierce spoke it.

Worst Line: “It’s for you!” –Hellboy throwing a ringing pay phone at the monster
-This was the one cringe inducing Hellboy pun.  Come on…this movie’s better than that.

Best Fight:
-The second time Hellboy fights the resurrection creature at the crowded subway.  He spins him around by his tail which was pretty entertaining to watch.

WTF Moment:
-Why the hell does Hellboy love cats so much!  I’m not a big cat person, but I can understand someone owning one or two, but he has like nine cats walking around.  And Hellboy lives in a cramped little room.  Wouldn’t it smell?  WTF.

Best Scene:
-It’s a subtle scene, but I like when John Myers meets Hellboy for the first time. It’s a good introduction to the character.  Corey Johnson as Agent Clay does a good acting job of humorously introducing the two.  It shows the camaraderie Hellboy can have with someone if he warms up to you.  It’s just an enjoyable moment.

Worst Scene:
-The fight between Hellboy and the assassin Karl Ruprecht Kroenen was really disappointing.  Kroenen was such a bad ass, and I was really looking forward to him and Hellboy engaging in fisticuffs, but it was just Hellboy blocking his blades for a few seconds and then Kroenen just falls into a Mortal Kombat like pit of spikes.  Lame.

Funniest Moment:
-I like the guy Hellboy resurrects as like a tour guide when they go toRussiaat the end.  Perlman has great delivery when he goes, “Would you mind holding this guy for a while. He is so negative.”  The emphasis on the word ‘negative’ just really cracked me up for some reason.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Oh, it’s not even close.  When Kroenen deflects the bullets right back at the guards and slices them up in a matter of seconds…Pure awesome.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #46

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

Plot: In the year 1899, the British Government hires retired agent Allan Quatermain (Sean Connery) to lead a group of super powered individuals known as the ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ (based on literary characters) to stop a man known as ‘the fantom’ who plans to start a World War in order to sell new weapons, creating an arms race.

I was shocked when I saw this movie…because I kind of liked it.  I cannot believe this has a 17% on Rotten Tomatoes.  It’s based on a very popular comic book, which I have no doubt is far superior.  But as a movie…it’s okay.  I’m totally baffled on why this is so hated.  It moves at a good pace.  The characters are likable.  The acting is strong.  It’s got good energy.  It’s visually appealing.  There are solid twists and turns.  And it’s got Sean Connery!  Come on!  Although, I must admit, had he not been there, it could have been very different.  When you have people turning into vampires and huge hulking ape like guys running around, there’s potential to look silly, but it worked.  The action sequences are thoroughly entertaining, especially when all these buildings are coming down.  Now don’t get me wrong.  The film has its problems.  I detest the little throwbacks to Sean Connery once playing James Bond.  Really…his boss goes by the name of M?  Wow.  And one of the villains had a golden gun.  Ugh.  I’m all for suspending my disbelief in a movie, but there’s one scene where Connery’s character Quartermain is standing right in front of a bunch of guys with semi-automatics and they miss him.  That’s a little much.  Although I guess this could have been a throw back to Bond as well and that his super power is not getting hit by bullets.  The biggest flaw here is that the heroes’ superpowers are way too strong.  There’s just no way they can lose.  They needed to be tempered some how.  They do a good job of developing these characters, but it comes in the middle of the film where they don’t progress the story at all.  The music is also pretty shitty.  It’s a fun ride and never boring.  It’s not bad.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 (slightly better than ‘meh’) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Sean Connery as Allan Quatermain
-This one was pretty obvious.  His casting was essential.  I’m not sure how this movie would have turned out if someone else was in the role.

Worst Performance: Shane West as Tom Sawyer
-He’s just really nasally and sounds like he’s twelve.  When he’s shooting his guns, he scrunches up his face in really embarrassing fashion.  He shouts ‘I got him’ at one point, which is delivered a thousand times worse than Luke Skywalker yelling the same line in Star Wars.

Best Line: “You will not live beyond today…that I promise.” –Allan Quatermain
-That’s a pretty bad ass thing to say to the villain while you’re fighting him. Or maybe Sean Connery is just able to sell it.

Worst Line: “I hoped I’d get to nail you one more time.  I didn’t think it’d be literally.” –Dorian to the Vampire Mina after nailing her through the heart
-Yes, they were lovers.  Not only is this a terrible pun, but the writers make sure you know it’s a pun by adding in the ‘literally’ part.  There’s also something about saying ‘nail you’ in the year 1899 that doesn’t feel right.  It’s just a terrible line all around, let’s move on.

Best Fight:
-When Hyde fights Super Hyde, they just mash the shit out of each other.  Captain Nemo gets in there as well.  Although Super Hyde is much stronger…how the hell does regular Hyde keep up with him?

WTF Moment:
-It’s at the very beginning.  This stupid soldier just stands in front of this large metal tank putting his hand up to stop it.  It’s obviously not going to stop.  He stands there for a good ten seconds.  Jump out of the way!  Unbelievable.

Best Scene:
-It’s the first scene with Allan Quartermain fighting and seeing how bad ass he is.  He takes out his rifle and wounds a guy from a sizable distance with one shot.  It’s his signature.

Worst Scene:
-Before the last action sequence, all the League members put their hands in the middle, and I really thought they were about to shout ‘Gooooooooooooooo team!’  But they don’t.  Still a bad moment though.

Funniest Moment:
-Allan retorts to Sawyer’s shooting ability with ‘Oh, I saw.  It was very American.  Fire enough bullets and hope to hit the target.’  I’ll accept this insult only from the original James Bond.

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Captain Nemo’s ship the Nautilus first comes out of the water, it’s so fricking huge and massive; you can’t help but not be impressed.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #45

Hulk (2003)

Plot: When scientist Bruce Banner (Eric Bana) is exposed to gamma rays, his genetic make-up is changed, causing him to turn into the giant green Hulk whenever he gets angry.  His new power opens the doors to his troubled past and estranged father (Nick Notle), while the military also tries to capture Banner so they can study him.

The Hulk is about a scientist who when he gets angry, turns into a giant green wrecking machine that destroys everything in his path.  Director Ang Lee took this concept and made a slow, artsy, pretentious film…what the hell!!  I’m all for making superhero movies more character driven and serious, but this is not the way to do it.  What makes a great movie is balancing story and character development with entertainment, and there is barely any entertainment to be found in Hulk.  The directing is a complete mess, especially in the beginning.  The edits are way too fast.  Just let a fricking scene play out!  The good music makes it bearable at times, but can’t save it.  There are two major flaws with Hulk.  First of all, Lee makes a terrible decision to use comic book like panels to tell the story.  It’s so distracting.  Sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on because of this bull shit.  But the worst part about Hulk is the pacing.  Holy shit, this movie is slooooooooooooooooooow.  Wow.  I’ve never clicked so many times on my DVD time left button when watching a movie.  There’s a part where Bruce Banner is exploring his old childhood home at the military base, and it’s just never ending.  Cut me a break!  The movie is cluttered with artsy images and feels like a bad Darren Aronofsky movie.  There’s stuff like Banner looking at a picture, and then he’ll enter the photo as the memory plays out.  It’s crap like this that is littered throughout the film.  The tone is so far off from what it should be that when the Hulk finally does show up, he looks like he belongs in another movie.  It’s so awkward.  And they barely do anything with the Hulk.  He just breaks a lot of stuff and jumps…A LOT.  The action looks nice towards the end, but Lee can’t sustain an action scene.  Every time the film is about to gain momentum, it cuts back to the slow moving lame images.  Just let the action play out!!  There’s some really nice imagery at the end including Hulk getting flown up into the sky, and some powerful moments between Bruce and his father that make this film not a total disaster, but by the time you get there, you are so jaded by the length, you barely care anymore.  So aside from a few spurts of greatness at the end, this is the opposite of a movie like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.  It’s no action with all character drama whereas that movie is all action with no character drama…you need both.

Rating: 4 out of 10 (Really Bad)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Nick Nolte as David Banner
-It’s really towards the end where Nolte shines, but he at least infuses an eccentric quality to the film that takes you out of it’s slow pace.

Worst Performance: Eric Bana as Bruce Banner
-I know Bana can act, so I don’t think it’s his fault.  I get that Banner is a man who holds back his emotions, but they took it a little too far.  There’s nothing here. 

Best Line: “You weak little spec of human trash.” –David Banner to Bruce
-Wow, pretty harsh towards his own son, but a powerful moment nonetheless.  What an asshole.

Worst Line: “We’re gonna have to watch that temper of yours.” –David Banner
-Oh, because when Bruce Banner gets angry, he changes into the Hulk, so they better watch that temper.  It’s not so much the line, it’s the way Nolte delivers it, like he’s winking at the camera and parodying the material.

Best Fight:
-David and Bruce Banner have an interesting fight at the very end.  This is the one part where the odd images kind of worked.  The setting looks gorgeous as the David Banner character becomes this being that can absorb all the energy around him.  The lead in to this fight looks pretty slick as they fall through the clouds in this lightning storm caused by David, and the music syncs up beautifully with it.  Although the end is fricking weird as David Banner turns into a giant water circle of repressed memories.  I’m not kidding.  David Banner turns into a big glob of water and floats up into the sky as flashbacks play out inside it.  Yea.

WTF Moment:
-When General Ross calls the President to tell him Hulk is on the loose and he needs more military support, he casually answers, “Consider it done, [and] keep us posted,” like he barely cares.  Then he goes back to fishing.  Shouldn’t he be a little bit more concerned that a giant green monster is on the verge of attacking thousands of innocent people?

Best Scene:
-After Bruce is detained yet again, David is able to visit him at the end, and this is where Nick Nolte really steps it up.  He goes crazy, screaming at his son and the military, delivering a good monologue.  And the setting looks nice…really dark.

Worst Scene:
-The scene that epitomizes the slow pace of this film is when Bruce Banner is captured for the first time, and they take forever just escorting him down to the isolated military base.  It feels like they go down twenty elevators.  This combined with the weird comic book panels is just torture.

Funniest Moment:
-After Bruce goes through the accident, he sits in his hospital bed with a concerned Betty.  Bruce says “Hey, I’m not going to explode, okay.”  What’s so funny about this is that I can’t tell if this was meant to be funny or serious because Bana has one tone throughout the movie.

Bad Ass Moment:
-There’s one pretty bad ass shot where Hulk jumps from a barrage of missiles, and we see the missiles all explode on the ground below him.  It was the best jumping moment in the entire film, and there were about 900 jumping scenes to choose from.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #44

X2 (2003)

Plot: William Stryker (Brian Cox), a military scientist, has studied mutants most of his life, and is hell bent on uncovering Professor Xavier’s (Patrick Stewart) school, specifically cerebro, which could have dire consequences on mutants.  The X-Men slowly discover his plot and form an unlikely alliance.  Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) learns Stryker may also have the keys to unlocking his own past.

X2 begins with the teleporting mutant Nightcrawler (Alan Cumming) absolutely ripping through the White House in an attempt to kill the President.  The first scene is a tough act to follow, but director Bryan Singer manages to do just that in this absolutely kick ass sequel.  What’s great about X2 is that every mutant gets their chance to shine just like Nightcrawler.  Pyro (Aaron Stanford) goes crazy on cop cars.  Wolverine goes absolutely nuts when the military tries to take over the school.  Colossus (Daniel Cudmore) in a very minor role has a bad ass first appearance.  Even Cyclops (James Marsden) who disappears in the middle of the film comes back and absolutely destroys an entire room with his optic blast.  Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) also demonstrates ridiculous use of power at the end.  Professor X even freezes a room at one point, although he pisses me off.  He seems so powerful, yet when in real dangerous situations, he barely does anything.  What the hell.  The mutant who does nothing though is Storm (Halle Berry), who I just don’t like in this series.  Her biggest contribution is using wind to blow open a church door.  Yay.  The story is fantastic though.  The real brilliance of X2 is that you have a movie with all these super-powered beings, but the villain is just a man, yet he’s more of a threat then even Magneto (Ian McKellen) in the first film.  Now that’s superb writing.  I like the Professor X/Magneto meeting at the plastic prison.  Anytime those two have a scene together is always a good thing.  Wolverine trying to unlock his past is still compelling, and I love how it connects to the main story this time.  X2 delivers on a fantastic finale as well.  Stuff I don’t like…I’m not a fan of the Nightcrawler character.  His power is cool, but everything he says is way too preachy.  They also try and develop this relationship with him and Storm that is just flat.  Also, did we really need N’SYNC’s Bye Bye Bye song when Pyro turns on the radio?  What a waste of money for a lame joke.  The movie drags a bit, but it delivers on great action with an equally great plot to go along with it.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10 (Really Great)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Hugh Jackman as Wolverine
-Jackman has to embody so many different personalities throughout the film and nails every one of them.  He’s at his best though when he goes berserk and takes out a billion soldiers in the mansion.  He’s kind of a dick though, especially to Nightcrawler.  When Nightcrawler starts telling him who he is, Wolverine is just like, “Ah, save it.”  That was kind of rude.

Worst Performance: Halle Berry as Storm
-She kind of had an accent in the first film, but now it’s completely gone here.  She just gets angsty and pissed off a lot. Berryhas no command of this character.

Best Line: “How does it look from there, Charles?  Still fighting the good fight?  From here, it doesn’t look like they’re playing by your rules.  Maybe it’s time to play by theirs.” –Magneto to Professor X who’s in some kind of trance
-You can just hear the ‘I was right and you were wrong’ mentality all over this line.  And it’s such a perfect lead in to Magneto using Professor X and cerebro to eliminate all the humans.

Worst Line: “Bobby…have you tried not being a mutant.” –Madeline Drake
-I know it’s supposed to be stupid and ignorant, but it really is just a dumb line.

Best Fight:
-It’s got to be Wolverine and Deathstrike at the end with a lot of stabbing going on.  Poor Deathstrike though dies in a horrible way, infused with adamantium.  It was kind of cool to hear that ‘clang’ sound when she hits the bottom of the little pool.

WTF Moment:
-I hate to be that guy, but when all the mutants are escaping the military base as it’s on the cusp of being destroyed by the Dam, wouldn’t it just be easier for Nightcrawler to teleport every one out?  Although, I guess he has to see where he’s going…but he did just teleport into a room he didn’t know he could.  So couldn’t he teleport right outside?  A little confusing…

Best Scene:
-Magneto’s escape from prison.  Now as cool as his actual escape was, probably the best part of the scene and possibly best moment of the whole movie is the little smile he gives when he senses the metal inside the guard’s body.

Worst Scene:
-When everyone is in the woods, it turns into a big flirt party that just drags on forever. 

Funniest Moment:
-The first thing Wolverine does when he gets back to the school is flirt with Jean, and Cyclops immediately gets pissed.  Wolverine retorts, “Aren’t you going to welcome me home.”  Hahaha…Cyclops got owned.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Wolverine leaps off the stairs in classic Wolverine pose and just rips though three guys with his claws…Doesn’t get any better than that.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #43

Daredevil (2003)

Plot: When Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck) goes blind in a toxic waste accident as a kid, his other senses are enhanced.  After his father (David Keith) is killed, Murdock uses his senses to become the vigilante ‘Daredevil,’ as he tries to take down a powerful mob boss known as Kingpin (Michael Clarke Duncan).

Daredevil is frustrating, because a great movie is lurking somewhere in this, but the writing is poor at times, the directing inconsistent, and Ben Affleck’s performance is…not good.  Murdock’s origin story is very powerful and directed on screen in a compelling manner.  When young Murdock (Scott Terra) faces his bullies again as a blind kid, watching him use his stick and dodging the attacks was even cooler than Peter Parker fighting for the first time in Spiderman.  What works well is the Murdock point of view as everything goes blue, and we see him using his senses.  This is really well done in the bar brawl, especially when he’s standing on the ceiling fan and the audience can almost feel the vibration as the music goes quiet.  But there are other scenes where the directing is piss poor.  When we first see Daredevil, we get all these lame close-ups of him jumping and diving off of buildings, bringing a cartoonish vibe that I loathed so much in Spiderman.  There’s also some pretty bad dialogue, and it doesn’t help that Affleck is delivering most of it.  He’s passable as Matt Murdock, but when he’s in costume as Daredevil, it’s a total train wreck.  Another performance that sucks is the villain Bullseye played by Colin Farrell.  This is a cool concept for a villain, and I even love his obsession for wanting to take down Daredevil because he’s the only one who makes him miss his target.  Farrell just sucks the life out of this role.  He has these weird little ticks, and his voice is inconsistent.  There is in fact good acting in the film such as Jennifer Garner, Jon Favreau, and Michael Clarke Duncan, but there’s also a Kevin Smith cameo which is never a good thing.  The music is just awful.  It’s so over the top, especially when Daredevil is in the church.  We get that ‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ churchey chorus that almost sounds like it should be in a Legend of Zelda game.  And when we don’t have the bad score, we get terrible grunge music or whiney pop punk.  The movie is pretty quick-paced, probably too fast at times, but it’s very entertaining all the way through.  It’s got good characters and a nice dark feel to it, but Affleck and Farrell almost destroy this movie.  If there were better actors in the Daredevil/Bullseye roles, this could have been great.  A real missed opportunity.

Rating: 7 out of 10 (Good)    

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Jennifer Garner as Elektra
-Mostly because all her scenes are with Ben Affleck, and she still manages to muster up a good performance.  They really develop the Murdock/Elektra relationship, and Garner is giving it her all, but Affleck is just not cooperating.  This is really apparent on the rooftop scene when the rain starting pouring down.

Worst Performance: Ben Affleck as Matt Murdock/Daredevil
-He shouldn’t be anywhere near a superhero movie unless it’s behind the camera.  Right off the bat, he falls through the roof of the church and makes these cringe worthy grunts.  Immediately I put my head in my hands.  But the moment that really stands out is when some low level criminal asks Daredevil, “What do you want,” and he tries to mumble “Justice” in a tough guy way that is just embarrassing to watch.

Best Line: “It’s a shame you came here wounded…I would have loved to fight you in your prime.” –Kingpin to Daredevil
-I always like lines that define a character in one sentence.  I have to say though; Michael Clarke Duncan’s voice is so deep to the point where it makes me uncomfortable.  How can someone’s voice be that deep!!

Worst Line: “Bullseye!” –Daredevil to Bullseye after throwing him out the church and onto a car.
-I’m not going to dignify this with a response.

Best Fight:
-The fight between Daredevil and Kingpin in his office with the rain coming in looks gorgeous on film.  Also, Kingpin’s laugh when pulling off Daredevil’s mask was pretty funny.

WTF Moment:
-Daredevil not killing Kingpin at the end is so infuriating.  Daredevil has been a killer throughout the whole film, but then at the end he lets the cops take him in because he ‘learns his lesson’ and is now redeemed.  Here’s the problem.  He just killed Bullseye like five minutes ago!  Give me a break!  The reason Daredevil doesn’t kill Kingpin is not because he’s seen the error of his ways, it’s because the producers thought they were going to have a sequel.

Best Scene:
-When young Murdock wakes up in the hospital bed with the patches on his eyes and discovers he’s blind while experiencing his enhanced hearing was pretty intense.

Worst Scene:
-Matt Murdock and Elektra just met at a coffee shop and two minutes later they are having a fight in some alley.  This is so dumb.  And the fight begins like in Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat.  We get a shot of them facing off, ready to attack.  The only thing missing was the word ‘Fight’ in red at the top of the screen.

Funniest Moment:
-When Bullseye is on the plane next to the old lady who’s blabbing away, he flicks a peanut, causing it to ricochet off his chair, and into the lady’s mouth, causing her to choke…now that’s pretty clever.

Bad Ass Moment:
-The fight between Daredevil and Bullseye, or ‘battle of the bad acting,’ takes place towards the end at the church, and it’s pretty cartoonish for the most part.  But Daredevil dodging all the glass Bullseye hurls at him was pretty satisfying.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #42

Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman (2003, animated)

Plot: The mysterious Batwoman (Kyra Sedgwick) shows up in Gotham City to take down a gun smuggling operation perpetrated by the Penguin (David Ogden Stiers) and mob boss Rupert Thorne (John Vernon).  Batman (Kevin Conroy) tries to unlock the true identity of the Batwoman.

It’s still Batman, but there’s definitely something lacking.  The animation is okay, but seems lackluster compared to Mask of the Phantasm and Sub-Zero.  The music is terrible and really takes away from the film.  It sounds like a mix between elevator music and something you’d hear in a video game.  It’s apparent this is a more sexed up Batman movie with scenes at the Ice Berg Lounge and a romantic rendezvous on the side of the road between Bruce and Kathy Duquesne (Kimberly Brooks).  The jokes get a little juvenile, especially when you have goons dressing up like women in a department store.  But it’s still a decent Batman effort.  The mystery of the Batwoman holds your interest, even if it does get predictable by the end.  It was cool to see Bane (Hector Elizondo) in there, especially when he tosses Batwoman like a rag doll.  This could have been a lot better if the music was edited, but its okay.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Kevin Conroy as Bruce Wayne/Batman
-It’s Kevin Conroy, he’s really good.  What else is there to say?

Worst Performance: Kimberly Brooks as Kathy Duquesne
-Only because she has this annoying sign off whenever she leaves the screen…Twa-la.  Awful.

Best Line: “I knew sooner or later, Batman, we’d face each other…I prayed for it.” –Bane
-Classic Bane line and sums up his character perfectly.

Worst Line: “Welcome to superhero team up!” –Robin to Batwoman
-Really Robin…unbelievable.

Best Fight:
-A solid Batman/Bane fight at the end.  Batman wins, but he’s pretty injured afterwards, taking some major hits.

WTF Moment:
-Barbara Gordon (Batgirl) has a quick scene on the phone with Bruce while she’s at college.  She get’s a little jealous of the new Batwoman.  But take a look at this line, “I thought you and I were…”  Are they insinuating what I think they are?  Luckily Bruce makes up some excuse and hangs up the phone.

Best Scene:
-Batman is going through a mob henchman’s house and one of his goons walks in.  Batman just stares at him and the goon walks out of the room.  That’s pretty awesome.

Worst Scene:
-The end is a little to upbeat for a Batman movie.  Bruce rides off into the sunset with Kathy Duquesne.  Bruce even says a ‘Twa-la.’  Ugh.

Funniest Moment:
-Alfred has a lot of funny lines, but this one’s the best as he reads the newspaper comics: “I see why Dennis the Menace is one step closer to juvenile hall.”  Efrem Zimbalist Jr. delivers perfectly.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Robin barely does anything in the movie, but he does have one bad ass moment where he bounces off the floor with his hands and goes into a kick, knocking this huge guy across the room.  That was pretty impressive.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #41

Spider-Man (2002)

Plot: After getting bit by a spider at the museum, high school nerd Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) develops the agility and strength of the spider, becoming the superhero ‘Spider-Man.’ When Norman Osborn (William Dafoe), head of the highly successful Oscorp, injects himself with experimental human enhancers, he turns into the deranged Green Goblin who threatens New York City, leaving Spider-Man the only one who can stop him.

Let me start out by saying I’m not a huge Spider-Man fan.  I think his origin is pretty lame compared to other superheroes.  Having said that, I’ll just come right out and say it; I don’t like this movie.  I’m not saying it’s terrible, but to regard it as one of the better superhero movies is just flat out wrong.  I don’t normally do this, but get ready; I’m about to nit pick the shit out of this thing.  This will be a lot longer than my normal ‘Superhero Movies on Steroids’ pieces, but I have a lot to say about Spider-Man.

First of all, it’s very slow-paced, especially when setting up the Green Goblin character.  The plot itself is terrible.  Green Goblin has no specific goal or plans.  He’s just a big nuisance who bothers Spider-Man.  There are no grand aspirations.  I also can’t stand the “With great power, comes great responsibility,” line, only because I had to hear it constantly the following few years.  And did we really need a Macy Gray music video in the middle of the film? 

The clichés are relentless.  Uh-Oh, Peter Parker gets tripped on the bus…hahaha, what a nerd.  Peter tells Mary Jane, “She’s going to light up Broadway” in response to her wanting to be an actress.  Come on!  Then of course we have the montage of Spider-Man saving people and stopping crimes.  Because we didn’t see this in 1978’s Superman done way better.  Oh, and Spider-Man rips off his jacket to reveal the suit underneath it, identical to Superman.  Not to mention the fact that Aunt May even tells him, “You’re not Superman, you know.”  You got to be kidding me.  Let’s remember that Superman was also mentioned in Batman & Robin…just putting it out there.

Now the design of the costume if fine, but there are so many moments it looks like a giant cartoon, especially when we get the first close-up shot.  It looks horrible.  I’m really not one to complain about the look of superhero costumes and special effects, but it just looks laughable at times.

The acting is pretty bad all around.  Tobey Maguire isn’t terrible, but he lacks a lot of charisma in the role.  I think another actor could have taken this to better places.  The acting in general is extremely deadpanned (James Franco anyone?).  Even Cliff Robertson and Rosemary Harris as Ben and May Parker respectively aren’t real compelling.  The acting between ClarkKent, Jonathan Kent, and Martha Kent on Smallville is a better family dynamic than this.  There’s also Kirsten Dunst who’s pretty terrible.  She always giggles her lines and can’t say anything without a goofy smile.  The romantic angle between Mary Jane and Peter Parker lacks a lot of chemistry.  It’s no better than a run of the mill television romance, I’m sorry.  Plus Mary Jane is so inconsiderate, why should I like her?  But I’ll touch on that later.  Maybe this is director Sam Raimi’s fault.  I know Liam Neeson is a great actor, yet I didn’t like his performance in Raimi’s Darkman.

The tone of the film is really corny, cluttered with bad jokes.  This is pretty apparent in the dialogue.  Let’s take a look at some of these lines:

-“Well, beats taking the subway.” –Spider-Man to Mary Jane after rescuing her
-“I think I have a superhero stalker.” –A giggling Mary Jane after she nearly dies
-“It’s you who’s out, Gobbie.  Out of your mind.” –Spider-Man to Green Goblin

Speaking of which, my biggest complaint with the film is the atrocity that is Green Goblin.  Now I don’t have a problem with William Dafoe, but it’s how the character is portrayed.  He’s a big silly, giant, goofy, stupid cartoon.  The costume and mannerisms of this character at times belong in a Joel Schumacher Batman film.  Here are some of his lines:

-“Hello my dear,” when meeting Mary Jane
-“We’ll meet again, Spider-Man,” As he escapes Spider-Man
-“Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep,” after gassing Spider-Man
-“You’ve spun your last web, Spider-Man,” Before trying to kill him
-And he also sings the ‘itsy bitsy spider’ song

Now maybe on paper these aren’t terrible, but just imagine the most clichéd and over the top cartoonish villainous laugh there is in conjunction with these lines.  I hate his voice.  I hate this villain. 

Now after all my ranting, I don’t hate this film.  I think there are cool fights and some nice sequences, but there aren’t any truly great moments.  Maybe this is what it’s like in the Spider-Man comics, but we have another case where staying too faithful to the source material is a bad thing. 

Spider-Man is overrated.  It’s a giant goofy cartoon.  I’m not saying you have to be deadly serious with every superhero movie, but this is all fluff with piss poor acting and a lame plot.  It’s nothing more than a mediocre popcorn flick.

Rating: 5.5 out of 10 (Passable Entertainment)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson
-His delivery is priceless.  I could watch a spin-off of Jameson.  He’s the one legitimately funny character that works.

Worst Performance: James Franco as Harry Osborn
-Can someone please tell me the fascination with this actor?  He stepped it up a little bit in 127 Hours, but here he is one big ball of deadpanned acting.  It’s amazing how asleep he looks throughout the film.  There’s one scene in particular where he kind of raises his voice at Mary Jane, going one little notch up from his monotone voice.  It’s awful, but also unintentionally funny.

Best Line: “Forty thousand years of evolution and we’ve barely even tapped the vastness of human potential” –Norman Osborn
-This sums up Norman Osborn perfectly, which is why it’s a shame he becomes such a cartoonish villain.  William Dafoe is wasted, and with different direction, it could have been interesting.

Worst Line: “I could squash you like a bug right now.” –Green Goblin
-Ohhhhh, because spiders are like bugs, and that’s what Green Goblin wants to do with Spider-Man.  Okay, I get it.  Clever.

Best Fight:
-I like the end with Green Goblin where Spider-Man’s mask is half ripped and stuff, but I’m actually going to go with the fight he has with Mary Jane’s dick boyfriend Flash.  I like the slow motion dodges as Peter discovers his powers.  This was done pretty well.

WTF Moment:
-It’s really just the Mary Jane character in general, but specifically when she kisses Spider-Man.  First of all, while dating Harry, she’s making it clear to Peter she loves him.  She also says to Peter, “I better run tiger.”  Ugh.  She shouldn’t be dating Harry and continue to lead him on by pushing to meet his father.  What the hell MJ!  This is what I mean by being no better than a Gossip Girl level television show.  But when she kisses Spider-Man, she doesn’t even think twice about it.  I get he just saved your life and the adrenaline is rushing, but aren’t you dating Harry?  And the next day she’s gabbing’ it up with Harry, smiling like everything’s fine.  She also tells Peter she loves him right after the funeral of her ex-boyfriend’s father.  She’s so selfish, yet MJ is supposed to be this really likable and good person.  Whatever.

Best Scene:
-When Spider-Man chases the Car Jacker who killed his uncle and we see him hang upside down for the first time is pretty cool.

Worst Scene:
-The scene that really sticks out for me is Spider-Man tied up by Green Goblin on the rooftop.  There’s a moment where he taps Spider-Man on the head, leans on the pillar, and just chats with him.  I freeze frame the shot.  I’m looking at this dumb green metal suit Goblin having a casual conversation with a guy dressed up like a spider.  Then it hits me; this is stupid.  I strongly believe that superhero movies can be a serious genre of film, but watching this play out, I understand why the Academy doesn’t nominate superhero movies for real awards.  It’s a big dumb cartoon.

Funniest Moment:
-When Spider-Man goes to the wrestling match to fight, he has to sign in.  This woman takes one look at him and explains he has to agree to all these waivers and then just throws in at the end, “Down the hall to the ramp, and may God be with you.”  It’s a good delivery that always gives me a chuckle.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Green Goblin’s bombs are pretty nasty, but what’s even cooler is when Spider-Man dodges and spins around to avoid all the spiked bombs in the burning building.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #40

Blade II (2002)

Plot: When a new breed of vampires known as ‘Reapers’ seek out to feast on both vampires and humans, the high Vampire Council makes an uneasy alliance with Blade (Wesley Snipes) to lead a group of highly trained fighters known as the ‘Blood Pack,’ to destroy them and their leader Nomak (Luke Goss).

Maybe it’s not quite as strong as the original, but not far off.  Blade returns, and is once again kicking some serious vampire ass.  The first scene worried me a bit as it starts off with terrible acting and a really bad voice over from Wesley Snipes, but it kicks into high gear soon enough.  While Blade II is missing that Stephen Dorff factor, it does still have a plethora of strong supporting characters.  Ron Perlman plays Reinhardt, a complete dick head, but also kind of a bad ass.  He’s great in the role.  We also have Nyssa (Leonor Varela), the main female lead who was much stronger than the girl in the previous movie.  Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) is back, and he’s a lot funnier here then he was previously.  The villains aren’t in the same ball park as Dorff’s Deacon Frost, although Nomak gets more interesting as the film goes along.  The story at first is kind of lame; these goofy Reapers who run around gurgling and are almost completely animalistic…meh.  But, the plot really picks up towards the end when we find out what this movie is really about, and it’s a pretty damn satisfying conclusion.  The fights are just as cool as in the original, although they do look a bit cartoony at times.  Blade is just as bad ass, especially when Reinhardt tries to challenge his authority and Blade ends up making him a human bomb.  Awesome.  There are some really weird, but cool looking special effects.  We also get to see the vampire equivalent to cocaine which was this odd red stuff, that I guess is blood or something, I don’t know…strange.  Blade was a tough act to follow, but this sequel is right there with it.

Rating: 8 out of 10 (Great)        

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout)

Best Performance: Wesley Snipes as Blade
-Yea, this was surprising.  Although it starts out kind of rough with a bad voice over (Snipes should never narrate anything again), he really comes into his own in this role.  He talks more, and Snipes surprisingly delivers.  He commands the ‘Blood Pack’ with great authority and has a strong presence in this movie.

Worst Performance: Norman Reedus as Skud
-We could have done without this character.  He’s just some over anxious annoying kid.  And besides, he buys Krispy Kreme donuts instead of Dunkin Donuts.  What a jackass.

Best Line: “If there’s anything left of you in there Whistler, listen up.  In the morning those blinds are going to open whether you’re cured or not.” –Blade
-I like it because it just shows Blade’s hatred for the vampires so much.  He let his mentor off the hook once, but if he remains a vampire, he ain’t fucking around anymore.

Worst Line: -“Lock up your daughters, boys and girls, the dark knight returns.” –Skud referring to Blade
-There’s only one Dark Knight, and David Goyer who wrote this should have known better not to refer Blade to him.

Best Fight:
-There’s a few to choose from, but the coolest was early on when Blade is fighting Nyssa and Asad who are dressed in the ninja gear.  There’s not a lot to mention, it’s just fantastic fast paced martial arts.  It’s also got the cool back drop of the wall of light bulbs in the background.

WTF Moment:
-When the team is examining that dying Reaper and they open up his body was just ridiculous.  It looked interesting, but repulsive as well.  The inside looked like a fricking mess.  Disgusting and visually appealing at the same time.

Best Scene:
-It has to be the battle in the sewers.  When Blade releases that blue light bomb…holy shit.  There’s also a cool moment when he sets off a minor one as a group Reapers spring up from the water and Blade just slices in while they are in the air.

Worst Scene:
-After the team goes to this rave, there’s a long sequence of events of various members battling with the Reapers.  It’s not bad, but where the hell is Blade!!  These guys are okay, but there was way too much time elapsed where Blade doesn’t stab anything.  What the hell!!

Funniest Moment:
-This one’s pretty simple.  “You’re human,” says Blade.  “Barely…I’m a lawyer,” retorts Kounen.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Guillermo del Toro’s directing really shines when Blade goes into the big pool of blood.  The build up was epic.  Blade is significantly injured and weakened.  He’s standing above this huge pool of blood.  You just know he’s going to go in.  We get great music right before falling in.  There’s a brief moment of suspense before he rises, and when he does…you know everyone is fucked.

Mario Brothers and the Warp Pipe

I was playing Super Mario Brothers the other day, and I just can’t help but get fascinated by the Green Warp Pipes.  There are so many of them, and not just in the first game, but every single Mario game ever made.  I’m just wondering what the hell goes on in that pipe?  I mean how do they work?  Why do some have different colors?  What if he got stuck in there?  Look, I’m not here to offer any kind of concrete knowledge; I just want to raise the questions and offer some theories.  So let’s explore the pipes in the Mario Brothers World, shall we?

First of all, why can you go down some and not others?  Maybe some pipes are actually closed off and have some kind of hatch or top.  We really can’t see because of the side view.  But then how come Mario can stand on the ones with holes?  Either way, the logic doesn’t hold up.  Mario can walk on thin air for the pipes you can go down.  We never see him lift up any door or anything.  How is he walking on thin air?  If there was some kind of wind or air current keeping him afloat, then how the hell can he go down inside the pipe?  Maybe the pipes in the Mushroom Kingdom are simply enchanted or magical.  That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

And what about the Piranha flowers who pop up out of the pipes and shoot fireballs?  There’s a lot of mystery with these bastards.  First of all, when Mario goes down a pipe, how does he know there’s not a flower waiting for him?  I guess he could look inside the pipe, but who knows how deep it is?  What if it’s there waiting for him at the end?  And how deep does the flower go down?  Does the vine of the flower stretch all the way to the end of the pipe?  But what I really don’t understand is that I’ve definitely seen Mario go down one of the pipes with a Piranha flower inside it.  How the hell does that work!!  If it goes back inside the pipe and Mario goes down, wouldn’t the flower be waiting for him?  Does it disappear when it goes inside the pipe?  WTF!! 

I guess we should start exploring what happens to Mario once he’s inside this thing.  As we all know, when Mario goes into the squat position, he sort of freezes as he goes down the pipe.  Okay, my take on this is that the pipes are in fact some kind of enchantment as I brought up earlier and Mario doesn’t even realize when he’s inside the pipe.  He’s in some kind of deep sleep or coma like state.  When he comes out of the pipe, he’s brought back to consciousness.  This could also explain the flowers not being able to kill Mario.  Everything inside the pipe is frozen and not harmful.  Mario just floats right through it.  Now every time he goes down the pipe, we get that sound effect.  I’m not sure if Mario hears that or not, but I’m not too concerned about the sound effect to be perfectly honest with you.

Okay, now it’s time to explore the heart of the matter.  Where did these pipes come from?  Now I’m about to get a little crazy here, so be warned.  But I do feel strongly about this.  In Super Mario Brothers 3, Mario explores all the worlds that make up the entirety of the Mushroom World itself.  Each world I believe gets progressively deeper, until Mario finally reaches the heart of the Mushroom World, Pipe World, or World 7.  I know people are going to say, well about the 8^th world, ‘Dark World.’  I believe ‘Dark World’ or World 8, is on a separate plane and completely Bowser’s own territory and not really affiliated with the Mushroom World.  But that’s a debate for another day. 

Anyways, I believe that because Pipe World is truly the heart of the Mushroom World, the pipes are actually the foundation for the entire Kingdom.  In essence, the pipes created the Mushroom World.  Think about it?  They run through all the worlds, and you can even get to World 7 via the pipes from one of the earlier worlds with the whistle.  How does the whistle connect to the pipes?  Well the whistle is clearly a powerful magical object and obviously linked with the pipes somehow.  The pipes show up everywhere!!  Not to mention the fact that World 7 is nothing but a system of pipes.  So if Mario were to go through the right combination of pipes in World 7, he’d probably find the birthplace, or first pipe, of the Mushroom World where the pipes all probably interconnect and respond too.  Bowser should stop kidnapping Kings and the Princess, and focus on finding this original pipe and destroy it.  That would in turn destroy all the pipes in the entire world and completely undo the Mushroom World causing a total apocalypse.  Although I have to believe it’s nearly impossible to discover the original pipe, and not even the Princess has seen it.  And honestly, I would imagine it would work like the Ark does in Raiders of the Lost Ark where if you looked directly inside the pipe, you would ultimately die.  Or if you were to go down the pipe, you probably remain in the deep sleep state and just float around the pipe system throughout the Mushroom World for all eternity.

This is why Super Mario Brothers 3 is the greatest Mario game of all time.  Mario could have been a few pipes away from discovering the birthplace of the Mushroom World.  OMFG.  The biggest flaw in my theory though is that how was Bowser able to infiltrate World 7 whereas Mario had to battle through every world of the Mushroom Kingdom to finally reach the heart of the Mushroom World.  Certainly Bowser’s resources and power make this viable.

I actually think the last Mario Brothers game of all time should be Bowser attempting to locate this pipe with plans to destroy it, in turn destroying the entire Mushroom World.  And the last battle would be Mario luring Bowser inside the pipe where he would float throughout the Mushroom World frozen forever.

Well next time you play Mario Brothers, don’t just toss all those warp pipes aside.  Just remember there could be something greater going on…

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #39

Unbreakable (2000)

Plot: After David Dunn (Bruce Willis) is the only survivor of a horrific train accident, he is contacted by Elijah Price (Samuel L. Jackson), a passionate comic book collector who’s inflicted with a rare disease where his bones break easily.  Price tries to convince David he may have extraordinary abilities.

It’s M. Night Shyamalan’s best movie and also his last half-way decent one.  We could go on all day about Shyamalan’s tragic downfall, but let’s stick to the awesomeness that is Unbreakable.  The brilliance of Unbreakable is that it’s both subtle and blatant in its attempts to be a superhero movie.  The blatant stuff are things like David’s name being ‘David Dunn’ or that towards the end he doesn’t wear a costume per say, but the shots of his rain poncho are definitely in your face about this guy being a superhero.  The subtle aspects are nice too.  The weightlifting scene for example never goes too far.  Yea, David lifts a ton of weight, but it’s not completely ridiculous like lifting a car or something.  The first scene is chilling.  You see a mother (Charlayne Woodward) clutching a new born baby in a department store.  You can feel something is very wrong, and that’s confirmed when the doctor comes in with a look of horror on his face.  It’s a damn good opening.  The great but also negative aspect of this movie is that the Samuel L. Jackson character Elijah Price is far more interesting than the protagonist.  The flashbacks into his character were definitely more engrossing than David’s story.  I get they wanted to make David ‘mild-mannered,’ but it was a little much.  Don’t get me wrong, I think David’s discovery of who he is and learning about what he can do is interesting, but Price or ‘Mr. Glass,’ makes the movie.  He’s like the ultimate Fanboy when he’s basically explaining how comics are comparable to history books.  And he’s so obsessed with finding out the truth about David.  The directing and the look of the film are brilliant at times.  We rarely get a normal shot.  It’s always odd angles, or something like watching a scene through the reflection of a television screen, but it works for the most part.  Probably the best directed scene is when Elijah falls down the subway stairs and his glass cane breaks.  The sound was incredible.  The movie is a bit slow at times, and there are these long unnecessary pauses.  The end does have the trademark ‘Holy Shit’ M. Night twist moment, but in this movie, it’s a pretty damn good one.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10 (Really Great)       

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Samuel L. Jackson as Elijah Price
-The hair aside, this may be the best I’ve ever seen him.  He’s so determined and driven, but with quiet intensity.  It’s very different from what Jackson usually does.  It’s like when he played Mace Windu in the Star Wars prequels, except this time it worked.

Worst Performance: Bruce Willis as David Dunn
-I think this is more the writing and directing that’s at fault.  As I said earlier, he’s just too mild-mannered.  It feels like he’s about to fall asleep at times.  Like I said, I think this is how the director wanted it, but I can’t help but think another actor could have done something more with it.

Best Line: “I think this is where we shake hands.” –Elijah Price
-Maybe it doesn’t have the resonance the first time you watch it, but every time after that it gives me chills because I know what’s coming, and it’s a great lead in.

Worst Line: “I can’t play guys.  I’m working out with my dad!” –Joseph Dunn
-There really weren’t any, so I had to dig deep, although this was rather annoying.  He shouts this to a group of kids.  No one cares you’re going to work out with your dad.  Did you really have to yell it at the top of your lungs?

Best Fight:
-The only one is really at the end with the crazy maintenance guy.  It’s actually pretty solid, especially when David’s back is smacked up against the wall and he’s putting dents in it.

WTF Moment:
-How does David not notice his son put more weights on the thing before he lifts it?  The only thing I can think of is that he sub-consciously wanted more weight on there rather than less, but seriously, he looked at the weights before lifting. 

Best Scene:
-It is indeed the end twist where you find out Elijah Price is the one responsible for all the disasters.  There are great hints throughout the movie which makes it that much more satisfying.

Worst Scene:
-When David’s at the train station finally trying to use his gifts, it’s a bit confusing.  They never really explained the whole ‘When I touch certain people, I can see the bad stuff they’ve done’ thing.  They just say its ‘good instincts.’  Eh…I don’t know.

Funniest Moment:
-I love when that guy wants to buy the rare comic art from Elijah for his four year old kid and Elijah flips out.  He just goes off on this guy.  These are the type of people who complain about a blue dot being slightly off in the latest Spiderman costume.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Going back to the weightlifting scene, when David’s son does put more weight on when his dad asked him to take some off was pretty ballsy.  He’s a little crazy though when he wants to shoot his dad later.  I know you want your dad to be a superhero, but take it easy man.