Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #62

Superman Returns (2006)

Plot: When Astronomers discover the remains of his home planet Krypton, Superman (Brandon Routh) leaves Earth to investigate, disappearing for five years.  When he returns, Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) is out of prison, planning to use Superman’s crystals to create his own land, possibly having dire consequences for the rest of the world.

*This will be another longer post, ala Spiderman.  The whole piece will also be spoiler heavy.

I remember when I watched the first teaser trailer for Superman Returns.  The classic John Williams score played as Marlon Brando’s brilliant monologue was spoken.  When I sat down to watch the movie, the same score played as the prologue set the tone followed by Krypton exploding, which morphed into the credits and main theme.  At this point, I was so pumped for the film.  What followed though was a boring, excruciatingly slow-paced, nostalgic reflective piece of crap that was not a sequel, but instead actors and a director (Bryan Singer) desperately trying to re-make the original with better effects.  When Batman was re-booted, they completely disconnected themselves from what they did before.  It was time to move on.  Superman’s re-boot refused to do that, staying in the continuity of the original movies, but taking place after Superman II.  It was time to move on from the Christopher Reeve Superman, and that’s the biggest reason why Superman Returns is one of the most disappointing superhero movies of all time. 

Let’s get the stuff I like out of the way quickly.  The film looks beautiful, especially the fortress and all the large crystals coming out of the water.  And when parts of the fortress start to crumble later on in the movie, it’s visually stunning.  As far as acting goes, Parker Posey and Frank Langella are great.  Well…those are the positives.

The film is infused with all these annoying winks and nods to the fanboys.  We have to get Clark Kent ripping off his shirt revealing the ‘S’ in a perfect pose to the camera. Lois Lane and her fiancé are talking about whether Clark could be Superman, but then quickly laugh it off.  Hahahahahahaha!  We’ve never seen that before.  Let’s not forget the shoe-horned in dialogue.  Look at this classic line as Lois, Perry White, and Jimmy Olsen are looking at a blurry picture of Superman:

“Look, in the sky, chief.  It’s a bird.  It’s a plane.  No, look, it’s…” Clark interrupts them.

Wow…really?  Come on!  This is so shallow and forced.  Give me a break.  Oh yea, let’s not forget another brilliant Perry line:

“Great Caesar’s Ghost!”

This just feels awkward.  It’s so forced.  The movie is supposed to be present time, right?  I’m so sick of these nostalgic lines!  It’s time to move on from this shit.  It worked back then, but it’s 2006.  ENOUGH!

There are so many long and boring heroic reflection shots of Superman just staring into space and posing for the camera.  This movie is trying to trick you.  It’s trying to bamboozle you into thinking its grand and epic with all these glorious shots, but they are completely empty.  Nothing important is happening whatsoever.  The ending is identical to all the other movies.  Brandon Routh is posing in space in the same exact way Christopher Reeve did.  It would have been nice if Routh added something original to his portrayal, but just like everything else in this movie, it’s trying to be the original.

Even people who don’t like this movie defend Routh’s performance.  I think he’s okay, but he’s trying so hard to be Reeve.  Did Christian Bale try to be Michael Keaton?  No!  He gave his own take on Batman.  But this isn’t Routh’s fault, as I guess this is a “sequel” to the other films.  He’s also way too young for this role.  I think he was casted just because he looks like Reeve’s long lost twin, and that is a silly way to make a major casting decision.

The acting in general is just not good.  Sam Huntington is horrible as Jimmy Olsen.  He overplays it so much, practically winking at the camera saying, ‘How cool is this man? I’m Jimmy Olsen!’  So many of the Superman themes are shoved down your throat, like when Jimmy says to Clark, ‘She’s still in love with you know who.’  It’s just the way Huntington delivers the line.  He’s giving an elbow nudge to the audience: ‘Superman and Lois, huh?  Isn’t that neat?  I just mentioned Lois and Superman, ooooooooooooo.’

But Routh trying to be Christopher Reeve and Jimmy Olsen shamelessly reminding us of the previous movies is nothing compared to the Lex Luthor stuff, and this is the true evidence that Bryan Singer wanted only to make a love letter to the original.  Luthor goes to the fortress again.  Haven’t we seen this already?  But his big plan is this: Steal crystals to make new land.  That’s the exact same plot he had in the original!  What the hell!  Instead of missiles, it’s crystals though.  Come on!  That’s the big story here?  Land!?  You’ve got to be kidding me!  Let’s not forget that Luthor does the exact same thing to stop Superman: Kryptonite.  He also steals it from a museum, just like in the first one.  The only difference is that you see him take it this time.  Yay.  I get that kryptonite is the only thing that can stop Superman, but you would think Superman would be aware of this by now.  But no, he just flies right into the trap.  That’s just really hard to believe.  And then of course Luthor’s current girlfriend has second thoughts about his plan and betrays him, just in the…you guessed it!  The original!  Kevin Spacey as Luthor is okay, but he doesn’t even come close to pulling off the campier lines like Gene Hackman could.  At least he put a different spin on the character though, unlike Routh. 

It’s bad enough they have all these rehashes from the first one, but they are also endless.  Do you think we’ll get Superman flying with Lois?  Yup.  And it’s just an overly long scene.  It worked in the original because nothing like that had ever been done before.  But here, we’ve seen this a hundred times.  It’s just trying to say, ‘Oh, remember that great moment from 1978.’  Yea I do!  And if I want to see it again, I’ll just watch Superman from 1978.  Also, Superman basically stalks Lois.  The guy shows up at her house using x-ray vision.  Does anyone else think this is creepy?

But what pisses me off even more is that Superman is so fricking powerful, and we could see him do so much more.  But what do we get?  Run of the mill saves.  Superman stops a bank robbery as random thugs shoot him with a gatling gun.  Yawn.  Superman flies around catching people.  Yawn.  And let’s not forget the exciting climax of Superman lifting a giant rock into space.  Yay.  Wooptie-doo.  Wow.  It’s like coaching the 1993 Chicago Bulls but leaving Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen on the bench.  Why the hell would you do that!  Can we please see this guy do something mildly interesting with all these powers?  I’m not saying I want style over substance.  Character and story are always more important, except the movie doesn’t have any of those either.  Come on…throw me a bone here!

Superman Returns makes me so angry!  There are so many little things that get under my skin.  A Gotham City reference!  Don’t associate Gotham City with this film please.  When Superman falls off the fortress, his arms are conveniently spread out like a Cross.  Errrrrrrrrrr, that’s one of my biggest superhero movie pet peeves.  So Lois wins a Pulitzer for a piece called ‘Why the World doesn’t need Superman.’  But later on in the movie she starts writing another article…Care to take a guess what it is?  I’m not going to write it out here because the lack of creativity gets me so mad.  Watching Superman get treated by doctors at the end is just unsettling.  And it’s so fricking drawn out!  Yea, we know he’s going to live.  Can we just end this please!  But this leads me into my final gripe, and the one that infuriates me the most out of any with this film.

It’s revealed Superman has a kid.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  I just hate this plot point.  This was a massive mistake.  What were they thinking?  The allure of Superman is that he’s one of a kind.  He’s special.  He’s the only person on the planet who has these powers that inspire mankind.  Now there’s going to be two of them?  That is so lame.  And yes, I’m aware that the comics also have Supergirl and Superboy, which also irritates me, but at least they have moderately interesting back stories.  Not only do I hate this storyline, but it was the most callable and predictable thing in the history of movies.  You know instantly when he first appears on screen, and there’s dialogue very early on that basically tells the audience, yes, he’s Superman’s kid.  And to top it off, when he throws the piano, I just put my face in my hands and said ‘I give up.’

This movie makes me very upset.  It’s full of nothing but forced little throw backs to the original.  I wanted a sequel.  I wanted a new Superman adventure.  It’s nothing but actors in a play performing the 1978 Superman.  It tries to trick you with all these grand shots and a big epic feel, but there is nothing here.  It’s slow.  It’s boring.  It’s predictable.  And I don’t like it.  I’m so thankful the next Superman movie (Man of Steel) is a total 100% re-boot.  I love the first two Christopher Reeve movies, but seriously, it’s time to move on from the ‘Great Caesars Ghost’ mentality.  It’s time for a new Superman.

Rating: 4 out of 10 (Really Bad)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Parker Posey as Kitty Kowalski
-She’s funny and charming and easily the best part of the movie.

Worst Performance: Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane
-Wow…what a complete miscast.  What were they thinking? Lois Lane is supposed to be a funny, spunky, energetic woman who is irresistible to the Man of Steel.  Bosworth plays someone who is none of these things.  Routh and Bosworth had no chemistry whatsoever.

Best Line: “Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don’t share their power with mankind.” –Lex Luthor
-This is a pretty damn good line.  When you break it down, it sums up Luthor’s hatred for Superman perfectly.  My favorite part of the Superman/Luthor rivalry is that Luthor hates Superman so damn much.  I wish they were in more then one scene together!! 

Worst Line: “He’s a little fragile, but he’s going to grow up big and strong like his dad, won’t you?” –Lois Lane
-Lois is of course referring to her fiancé, but we all know what she’s really talking about.  Wow.  You’ve got to be kidding me with this line.  How did this make it past the editing room?

Best Fight:
-THERE ARE NONE!  I never thought I would say this in my life, and I just want to reiterate that I like movies with great characters and story over dumb action flicks, but seriously; Superman’s next movie needs a bit of Michael Bay Transformers style action infused in to it.  Let me repeat:  I’m not saying I want Michael Bay near a Superman movie, but Superman desperately needs more action in the next film.  That’s all I’m saying.

WTF Moment:
-Alright, I could be way off base, but it needs to be mentioned.  Superman is dying in the hospital.  Lois and Jason (Superman’s son) visit him.  After Lois talks to him and later kisses him, she begins to walk out.  But right before Jason does, he gives Superman a quick kiss on the forehead.  This is the last time we see Superman in the hospital bed.  The next time we see him, he’s in Jason’s bedroom giving the Brando monologue.  Alright…are we to believe that Jason’s kiss healed Superman?  I’m probably wrong, but it’s definitely slightly suggested.  We’ll never know, but if that is indeed the case, that’s worse then the spinning around the world/mind wipe kiss combined from Superman I and II respectively.

Best Scene:
-As I mentioned before, it’s the opening prologue.  The John Williams music and Krypton exploding just gets you in the mood.

Worst Scene:
-After Superman saves the plane, he lands conveniently on the mound at a baseball game.  Come on!  That’s so contrived.  And then later on in the scene, Superman asks if Lois is okay as everyone looks at what her response will be.  I hate that moment.  It’s like, ‘Ohhhhhhhhhh, Superman is back guys, and he’s asking if Lois is okay.  Isn’t this interesting?  Ooooooooooooo, Superman and Lois guys, Superman and Lois!!!! OMG!  What is she going to say?!’

Funniest Moment:
-Lois fainting after Superman flies away from the baseball game was mildly amusing.

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Superman is attempting to save the plane, he flies right through part of the wing, just ripping through it.  The scary thing is that this is like one-tenth of his true power.

Movie Review – The Hangover Part II

Plot: Stu (Ed Helms) is getting married in Thailand, and after the events at Doug’s (Justin Bartha) bachelor party in Vegas, he is vehemently against another wild outing.  But when the gang gathers for just one drink, they wake up in Bangkok with no memory again, and Stu’s future brother-in-law Teddy (Mason Lee) is missing.  Phil (Bradley Cooper), Alan (Zach Galifianakis), and Stu must put the pieces of the night together once again and find Teddy.

I thought the original Hangover was just mediocre, so I really didn’t have any expectations for the sequel.  I thought this was only a minor step down.  But if you loved the first one, you’ll probably be disappointed. 

I think every single review for this movie has said the same thing: It’s just the previous film in a different location.  And for the most part, this is an accurate statement.  It has all the same beats as before.  Animals, crime bosses, misunderstandings, etc.  One thing that is different though is that there is more at stake.  These crazy bastards find themselves in a more dangerous situation, and while I appreciated that, it does hurt the film to some extent. 

The Hangover 2 is a comedy, but it doesn’t always feel like one.  Right off the bat, newcomer Teddy who the gang needs to find is potentially in some serious shit.  The fact that he’s a sixteen year old college kid hinders the comedy.  This isn’t Doug lost in the confines of Vegas.  This is some kid lost inBangkok.  I wasn’t saying to myself, ‘Hahaha, they lost the groom.  What morons.’  I was more like, ‘Whoa…what the hell happened to this kid.’  There’s also something that happens to one of the characters about mid-way through the film that is not funny, and certainly ups the danger level.  Although it’s a bit darker and the stakes are raised, it is ultimately still a comedy.

The problem is that this movie, like so many other comedies these days, is nothing but shock jokes.  The first one had a lot of consistent and solid funny dialogue mixed in with the shock.  This is pretty much all shock jokes.  And they are all predictable!  If you’re going to have this type of humor, you have to at least catch the audience off guard, and it never does.  Let’s just say there’s a really bad thing involving Stu that you can see coming a mile away.  I knew exactly when to close my eyes.  We’ll leave it at that.

The only person who seemed to have funny one-liners was Alan, the Zach Galifianakis character.  I thought I was going to hate him in this movie.  Galifianakis has been so over exposed.  But surprisingly, he was the funniest part of the film.  They just revved up his stupidity and ridiculous nature so much that I couldn’t help but laugh.  He’s also got a lot of hysterical subtle sight gags that had me rolling.  Bradley Cooper’s Phil had some good dialogue when they were in the Monastery, but other then that, the clever dialogue is non-existent.  Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms are really wasted here.

I do enjoy the camaraderie among the group.  They work well together in these movies.  More Ken Jeong as Mr. Chow, the gangster from the previous film, also fits into the group seamlessly.  I am biased though because I love Jeong in Community so much.

While I got chuckles on and off, they weren’t as frequent as the original.  It’s just too similar and way too predictable.  Not just with the jokes, but in some of the broader plot points as well.  The audience I saw this with was not laughing very hard.  I did appreciate that the situation they got themselves into was a bit more ridiculous, and part of me is intrigued by a third one just to see what would happen.  But they would need to drastically change the formula.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’)

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #61

Hellboy: Sword of Storms (2006, animated)

Plot: When a Professor is possessed by an ancient demon, Hellboy (Ron Perlman) and his team go to investigate.   Hellboy is transported off the planet where he learns about the Sword of Storms and its link to the demon and the impending doom back on Earth.

It’s cool they got a few of the actors from the original film to lend voices, but there’s not a whole lot to Hellboy: Sword of Storms.  I love the camaraderie between Hellboy, Abe, and Liz, but those are the only interesting characters to latch onto.  There’s a ton of boring exposition, and even with all the exposition, it’s still a clunky story.  Hellboy just meanders along fighting monster after monster with no real purpose or sense of dread.  There’s some nifty animation, like when green fire surrounds a giant human spider lady.  The professor who’s possessed by the demon is supposed to be a major villain, but he just meanders along as well, cackling in back alleys not really doing much.  I enjoyed the characters, but this is a poorly put together story that I just didn’t care for.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Selma Blair as Liz Sherman
-There’s definitely a nice focus on her character and her conflict with using her powers that was easily the most interesting piece to the film.

Worst Performance: Keith Ferguson as Professor Russell
-He’s whiney and annoying, and what are these random sense powers he suddenly uses?  This character stinks.

Best Line: “You guys were gonna eat me.” –Hellboy to random spirit monsters
-I would imagine eating Hellboy is like the equivalent to eating 1,000 chocolate chip muffins.

Worst Line:  “Appreciate the batting practice.” –Hellboy after hitting floating head sprits with a tree bark
-I usually enjoy Hellboy’s one-liners and jokes, but this one fell flat.

Best Fight:
-Hellboy fighting the two demons at the end wasn’t bad.  There’s a lot of electricity, hammers, staffs, and punching, so there you go.

WTF Moment:
-There are talking sandals!  In fact, there’s a whole scene where a bunch of inanimate objects attack.  WTF.

Best Scene:
-When Hellboy’s walking through the forest, the animation is at the top of its game.  The leaves falling looked pretty nice, and then there’s this lady playing one of those floor guitar things as blood drips from her fingers onto the instrument.

Worst Scene:
-The Sword of Storms breaking is supposed to be this big deal, so when it breaks towards the end, we are like, ‘Oh shit, Hellboy is fucked now.’  Yet at the end of the demon fight, Hellboy just picks up the broken pieces and wins and is just like, ‘Whatever.’  What the hell!  The sword breaking was supposed to be this huge deal, but you can just use the broken halves and it works just fine?  Lame.

Funniest Moment:
-Hellboy is transported to this random world.  His response: “Ah, crap.”

Bad Ass Moment:
-The beginning when Liz lights the entire cave on fire and the whole screen goes orange and red.  That was pretty cool.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #60

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Plot: When a cure for mutation is made and forged into a weapon, Magneto (Ian McKellen) leads the Brotherhood of Mutants in a war against the humans with the X-Men standing in their way.  Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) also returns, miraculously surviving the events at Alkali Lake, but with her mutation uncontrollable and terribly dangerous.

A great end to a great trilogy.  I don’t understand why this film is so hated.  Is it the weakest of the three?  Yes, but not by much.  Whether it’s because people refused to accept new director Brett Ratner, or massive changes to the comics, I don’t know.  What I do know is that this movie kicks ass.  The beginning is perfect, flashing back to Professor X and Magneto as allies meeting a young Jean Grey.  The storyline of the cure being turned into a weapon is pretty interesting, and almost makes Magneto the hero of the movie.  And make no mistake…this is Magneto’s movie.  I also like the Jean Grey/Phoenix dynamic, and the introduction of the ‘Class 5’ mutant concept.  Jean Grey is like a ticking time bomb in this film, creating some great tension.  I don’t think we’ve ever seen Professor X so freaked out by anything then he is by Phoenix.  The characters are as good as ever.  Kelsey Grammar as Beast…AWESOME!  Multiple Man is barely a character, but his one big moment was bad ass.  Wolverine becomes a true leader as the development of his character comes to a climax, which makes sense, because the trilogy is from his perspective.  I hated Angel when I first saw this, but I’ve come to accept him a little more.  I like his sub-plot.  He’s got two good scenes which are very quick, and then he’s pretty much just standing there with nothing to do.  They probably could have made this without him.  Although spreading his wings for the first time was pretty cool.  We finally get a movie where I liked Storm, even though she’s kind of bitchy and angsty.  But HalleBerryfinally takes command of the character.  There’s a little more camp in X-Men: the Last Stand, but it’s very minimal.  A couple bad lines from Juggernaut, and the unfortunate use of the bowling pin sound effect as he runs into people…ugh.  I think the best part of this movie though is the ending.  With the exception of Rogue’s character, I love every wrap up they give to this trilogy.  And the brilliance of it is that they give you closure, but just in case they want to make another one, the door is left slightly open.  I recognize some of the problems, but the stuff that works…really works.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very Good)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Ian McKellen as Magneto
-Like I said, this is his movie.  He feels like the hero, making all these grand speeches, and the passion just oozes out of McKellen.  He is kind of a cold hearted dick though. After Mystique is cured, he just leaves her on that train.  And how about when he just allows all the dumb mutants to run into the final battle first.  What an asshole.

Worst Performance: Anna Paquin as Rogue
-It’s not so much the performance as the character.  I hated her character wrap-up.  She shouldn’t take the cure!  What a slap in the face to everything Professor X stands for, and the movie gives off the feeling like she’s not going to take it.  There’s actually a deleted scene where she doesn’t do it.  I understand that her power is more difficult than most mutants, but it just doesn’t sit right with me. 

Best Line: “Charles Xavier did more for mutants than you’ll ever know.  My single greatest regret is that he had to die for our dream to live.” –Magneto
-A fucking fantastic line.  The best part about the X-Men movies and franchise is the relationship between Professor X and Magneto, and this one line of dialogue says it all.

Worst Line: “You gonna let me out of here?  I need to pee.” –Juggernaut
-The only good part about this line is that Ian McKellen gives him this look as if to say, ‘Man that was a shitty line.’

Best Fight:
-There’s a ton to choose from, but I’m going a little unorthodox and picking the mind-off between Professor X andPhoenixinside the Grey house.  This was pretty intense.  That house gets destroyed though…I hope the Grey’s have home owner’s insurance.

WTF Moment:
-When the X-Men train in a Danger Room session, they practice against the Sentinel robot.  But it doesn’t make any sense?  Sure, I guess training against huge robots is always helpful, but as far as I can tell, there are no Sentinels or organization creating Sentinels to threaten the X-Men, so why make this reference? 

Best Scene:
-The last battle is everything you could ever hope for in a mutant war.  Everyone gets their moment.  There’s shit going on every where.  Iceman turns into Ice.  Juggernaut slams through walls.  Magneto throws cars as Pyro lights them on fire. Phoenixnearly blows up everything.  But my favorite part of the whole final battle is just watching Beast fight.  When he swings from that pillar and barrels through a bunch of guys…now that’s what I’m talking about! 

Worst Scene:
-I hate when that woman locks her car door right after Magneto moves the bridge.  It’s so lame right after witnessing one of the best parts of the movie.  Unbelievable!

Funniest Moment:
-The one character who cracks me up throughout the whole movie is the guy whose power is just a bunch of needles coming out of his skin.  This guy thinks he’s all that and a bag up chips.  The funniest part is his first appearance when he’s talking shit to Magneto, and Pyro (Magneto’s biggest fanboy) goes, ‘Do you know who you’re talking too.’  The needle guy thinks he’s so tough as he unleashes his needles and says: ‘do you.’  Hahahaha.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Magneto moving theGolden GateBridgeis truly a sight to see…OMFG.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #59

The Batman Vs Dracula (2005, animated)

Plot: When Dracula (Peter Stormare) is awakened in Gotham Cemetery, he begins turning the citizens into vampires, leaving it up to Batman (Rino Romano) to figure out a cure for the lost citizens and stop Dracula himself.

So this is a Batman animated series that is separate from the more well-known version of the early nineties, and which several past animated movies were based off of.  Batman Vs Dracula is an okay representation of the Batman, but there are several little things that bothered me.  I hate the look of the Joker.  He looks like a fricking hyena.  And the Joker turning into a vampire was very unsettling.  I don’t want to see an animalistic Joker.  In fact, I just really hate the whole idea of this movie.  I’m sorry, but Batman going up against Dracula and vampires is just really lame.  This is a pathetic storyline.  The character of Bruce Wayne and Batman was handled very well though.  And Alfred was even a bad ass, getting more screen time then he usually does.  There are definitely a few good Batman/Joker moments, and some that are even reminiscent of the Dark Knight which was pretty interesting.  There’s a ton of little things that bug me, but it’s an okay Batman entry.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Rino Romano as Bruce Wayne/Batman
-Not a whole lot to say.  He’s no Kevin Conroy, but it’s a solid rendition.

Worst Performance: Tom Kenny as the Penguin
-The Penguin just sucked in general.  They make him a goofy comic figure.  What the hell!  The Penguin deserves better.  And why was he in Arkham Asylum?  The Penguin should be in Blackgate Prison.  Unbelievable.

Best Line: “Batsy, you complete me.” –the Joker
-Now this is interesting.  This came out 3 years before the Dark Knight.  Was one of the best lines from that film inspired by this random animated movie?  Wow.

Worst Line: “Show me the money.” –the Penguin
-Wow, that’s great.  An unfunny played out catch phrase from 9 years ago.  There were two Jerry Maguire references in this film.  What’s with the love affair for Jerry McGuire?  Good movie, but still…let’s take it easy.

Best Fight:
-Batman Vs Dracula at the end.  Nothing special, but decent.  Plenty of punching, plenty of dodging, plenty of bat gadgets. 

WTF Moment:
-Batman is seen by some random security guard while at the cemetery.  BULL SHIT!

Best Scene:
-The Joker’s ‘death’ at the beginning of the movie.  This was pretty interesting.  First of all, his ‘death’ looked pretty cool.  His hand buzzer keeps going off in the water, which was visually appealing.  But the way Batman reacted, like he was in deep mourning for a friend.  It’s kind of strange, but intriguing nonetheless.  It makes you think about all the crazy shit these characters have been through.

Worst Scene:
-There’s something about bringing Joker back to the Bat Cave that bothers me a great deal.

Funniest Moment:
-Alfred says to Bruce at one point, “Sir, you are brooding.”  Wow…someone finally called Batman out on all his brooding.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Joker uses his extend-o glove on the Penguin.  Whenever Joker uses one of his trademark weapons, I get all excited.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #58

Sky High (2005)

Plot: Will Stronghold (Michael Angarano) has a lot to live up too.  His parents are the most famous superheroes in the world.  As Will begins his first year at Sky High, a school for up and coming superheroes, he worries his powers haven’t manifested yet.  While Will faces the trials of high school, a deeper plot involving one of his father’s (Kurt Russell) old enemies begins to take place.

I’m pretty sure someone pitched this movie as Harry Potter meets the Incredibles.  While it’s certainly not at the level of those movies, Sky High is still pretty damn good.  This is a likable, funny, kid friendly superhero romp.  Its charm is oozing out of the screen.  The acting is great, and it actually has a lot of well defined and developed characters.  The cast is very likable.  There’s not much to Will, but Angarano holds it together just fine as the protagonist.  I like Ron the Bus Driver.  Kurt Russell endures and says countless clichés, but somehow manages to make them enjoyable.  We get a lot of the run of the mill super powers we’ve seen before, but also a lot of really funny ones like melting and glowing.  The two funniest characters by far are Kevin McDonald and Bruce Campbell as Mr. Medulla and Coach Boomer respectively.  When the story is revealed at the end, it’s actually pretty clever.  You get the typical high school relationship drama, which slows down the film a bit, but it’s portrayed in a good and non-annoying way.  It’s a great movie for kids, but can easily be enjoyed no matter how old you are. 

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very Good)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Kevin McDonald as Mr. Medulla
-He’s hysterical every moment he’s on screen.  Perfect delivery accompanied by perfect dialogue.

Worst Performance: Nicholas Braun as Zach
-He’s the kid who glows.  He’s kind of annoying and probably belongs in a surfer school and not a superhero one.

Best Line: “Yet he’ll be the one on cereal boxes.  Show me the justice in that.” –Mr. Medulla
-Probably his best line.  I love the opinion from the Mad Scientist teacher that the strength heroes are basically the jocks, and the science heroes do all the work but are known as the nerds.

Worst Line: “I can’t do anything more to help you.  I’m not Wonder Woman, you know.” –Principal Powers
-Powers is played by Lynda Carter, who was of course Wonder Woman on the Wonder Woman television show.  I think we could have done without this line.

Best Fight:
-Not a whole lot of great fights, but Layla the plant girl unleashing plants on the duplicating Cheerleader wasn’t bad.

WTF Moment:
-I can’t believe the fat kid has super speed.  That’s so weird.

Best Scene:
-The ‘Save the Citizen’ game.  Good usage of powers.  It’s an all around clever and bad ass scene.

Worst Scene:
-When Gwen finally reveals herself as Royal Pain and uses the pacifier gun.  It’s bad enough the Commander just stands there and gets hit.  But right after that, Jetstream flies in a straight line directly at the ray.  Come on!  These two are supposed to be the best superheroes?  What morons.

Funniest Moment:
-Mr. Medulla and Coach Boomer have a great moment in the teacher’s conference room.  Boomer is trying to convince Mr. Medulla to go on a double date.  This is how he convinces him:

Boomer: What if I said it’s not just her twin?  It’s her evil twin.
Medulla: This Friday night you say?
Boomer: Medulla, you dog.

That’s pretty funny.

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Will grabs Speed by the back, he’s still in the running motion.  Will lets him go and just launches him.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #57

Fantastic Four (2005)

Plot: When a group of scientists and astronauts are exposed to a cosmic cloud in space, they are endowed with super-powers, getting the nickname ‘Fantastic Four.’  As they try and understand their abilities, Victor von Doom (Julian McMahon) who also accompanied them on the mission, starts to develop powers himself and attempts to take down the Fantastic Four, blaming their leader Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) for the loss of his business.

Is it possible to the like the low budget, rushed, un-released 1994 original better than this big budget spectacle?  What’s the difference?  Both suck.  Fantastic Four has the misfortune of following Batman Begins as the next superhero movie.  This is really the film where you start to say, ‘Enough is enough’ with these campy crappy renditions.  After Batman Begins, we know what’s possible with these films, and while Fantastic Four isn’t horrible, it’s just so lazy, boring, jokey, and uninteresting.  There is nothing here!  You know right from the first scene that the actors aren’t taking it seriously.  They are just like, ‘Yup, it’s a stupid comic book movie.’  And that’s exactly what we get.  The acting is okay at times.  Chris Evans is charismatic, but his jokes are horrendously unfunny.  When Michael Chiklis isn’t the Thing, he’s fine, but once he gets into the costume, I absolutely despise the voice.  It’s a joke.  Oh, look at that, he can’t dial a phone, his fingers are too big.  Uh-Oh, he breaks every glass he touches.  Wow, just uproarious.  Whoops!  Sue Storm tried to go invisible, but she reappears in front of hundreds of people in her underwear.  Hahahahahahahahaha!  If you’re going to do half-assed character development and bad jokes, at least give us some action.  We barely get any.  The action we do get is usually lame comedic fights among the Fantastic Four themselves.  There’s not even a plot for this movie.  Victor von Doom as the villain is a complete waste of time.  The pace and discovery of his powers is so slooooooooooow. It’s not until the last twenty minutes where he finally does something.  The dialogue is atrocious. 

Sue: You know Johnny.  He’s always been a hot head.

Yea, he’s the flame guy.  This line happened.  Ugh.  And I know the fanboys love their ‘It’s Clobberin’ time’ and ‘Flame on,’ but I’m sorry, these lines suck and needed to be cut out.  This movie really rubbed me the wrong way just because of how lazy, dry, and putrid the jokes were.  At least the 1994 version made me laugh.

Rating: 4 out of 10 (Really Bad)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Ioan Gruffud as Reed Richards
-He at least takes some of the material seriously.  He’s a good character to latch onto.

Worst Performance: Jessica Alba as Sue Storm
-Whenever she makes force fields, her face is laughably bad.  And when she’s not making force fields, her tone and emotion are static with every terrible line she delivers.  It’s Natalie Portman in Phantom Menace.  Monotone.  Monotone.  Monotone.  Monotone. 

Best Line: “Dr. Richards.  Allow me to begin your lesson.  Chemistry 101.  What happens to rubber when it’s super cooled?” –Victor von Doom
-I had to dig deep for one.  I’m picking this because Doom finally puts on the silver mask and his voice is pretty chilling.  So this was decent.

Worst Line: “Why the long face?” –Victor von Doom while stretching out Reed
-Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Best Fight:
-The end where they all battle Doom is solid, and easily the best action of the movie.  Everyone uses their powers to cool effect.  You get your fill.

WTF Moment:
-I don’t know if this is true in the comics, but the Thing’s internal organs are solid rock too?  And when they show the projection of his heart beating as rock is just weird.  Rock internal organs?  That’s just…stupid.

Best Scene:
-When Victor von Doom has Reed captured was mildly interesting. 

Worst Scene:
-A pigeon poops on the Thing’s shoulder.  Yay.

Funniest Moment:
-The one truly hysterical moment, and easily the best directed scene of the film is right after the space accident when Ben Grimm is lying on the bed and the camera is from his perspective as Johnny Storm comes in.  Johnny gets real serious as he tries to explain to Ben that plastic surgeons are doing all they can.  Ben finally grabs the mirror, but it’s just his normal face.  He isn’t the Thing yet.  That was pretty funny, and Chris Evans nailed the performance.

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Reed Richards does his stretchy barrel roll thing and then morphs into a big bed sheet was pretty nifty.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #56

Batman Begins (2005)

Plot: Years after his parents were killed in front of him, Gotham City Billionaire Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) disappears for seven years to train, learning how to stop crime at it’s core.  When he returns to Gotham, he becomes Batman, determined to take down Carmine Falcone (Tom Wilkinson), the city’s crime lord.  While doing so, he uncovers a plot much deeper that may destroy Gotham forever.

Henri Ducard: Are you ready to begin?

Hell yes.  Batman Begins was a game changer.  We’ve had some great superhero movies in the past, but director Christopher Nolan opened the floodgates for just how great these films can be.  The acting is off the charts.  Michael Caine.  Liam Neeson.  Morgan Freeman.  Gary Oldman.  Cillian Murphy.  Tom Wilkinson.  All of them give A+ performances.  And Christian Bale could not have been more perfect casting.  He is Batman.  When he plays both roles, I really believe he’s two different people.  Nolan and David Goyer, who both wrote the script, truly understand what Batman means.  This is really apparent in the scenes when Carmine calls out Bruce at his restaurant and when Bruce monologues to Alfred on the plane.  I like that we get to know Thomas Wayne a little bit, and he’s not just some random father figure who is shot down in three seconds of screen time.  What some people love most about Batman Begins is the realism factor.  You actually believe this is possible.  As much as I love the original Tim Burton 1989 Batman, this is simply a superior film.  Jim Gordon is actually a character.  Batman’s first meeting with him is inspiring.

Gordon: You’re just one man.
Batman: Now we’re two.

Awesome!  There are so many great individual scenes just like this one.  The first Batman/Scarecrow confrontation is perfect.  Batman’s first appearance, where no one knows where he is, could not be more perfect.  I love the subtlety.  Carmine is sitting in his car, completely freaked out, waiting for Batman.  If you watch, you’ll see the slightest shake of the car, barely noticeable, and then seconds later, Batman smashes through the roof and pulls him out and says, “I’m Batman.”  What a great throwback to the 1989 film.  I actually like the first half a little better when Bruce is training with Ducard, which I guess is a minor criticism, but the pacing of the film is still flawless.  They fit a lot of stuff into one movie, but when you have Christopher Nolan at the helm, that’s pretty much expected.  The thing I love most about this film is that it gave me two legit surprise plot points.  I’ve never been more taken off guard when watching a movie.  I remember going into this film back in 2005.  One month earlier, I was all about the last Star Wars, and I didn’t even give this film much thought.  I still, like most people, had Batman & Robin on the brain.  I went into this with a ‘whatever’ attitude.  When the credits came on, I had only one thought:  Batman’s back.

Rating: 9 out of 10 (OMG)    

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Liam Neeson as Henri Ducard/Ra’s Al Ghul
-This was a really hard pick between Christian Bale and Liam Neeson.  But there’s just something about Neeson that elevates this movie to greatness.  Every time he speaks, he’s always fascinating.  His best delivery for me is “But is Ra’s al Ghul immortal?  Are his methods supernatural?”  For Batman fans, the implications of that one line are chilling.

Worst Performance: Katie Holmes as Rachael Dawes
-She gets more crap then she deserves.  She’s okay here.  Unfortunately she has to act with all these heavyweights, and she’s just completely lost.  There are moments though.  When she’s in the car with Bruce, driving him to Carmine’s restaurant after the hearing is easily her best scene.  Rachael definitely has the worst dialogue in the film, which doesn’t help.  The real problem though is that she just looks too young.

Best Line: “I’ll be standings where I belong.  Between you and the people of Gotham.” –Bruce Wayne to Ra’s al Ghul
-I had like 25 choices, but this one just seems to exemplify Batman the best.

Worst Line: “That’s right, you better run.” –Rachael
-A terrible line and a terrible delivery.  This is pretty much why Katie Holmes wins Worst Performance.

Best Fight:
-The final Batman/Ra’s al Ghul fight on the train is pretty solid.  The highlights are Batman breaking his sword in half with the arm guards, and the “You never learned to mind your surroundings” line, which was an ongoing theme between Bruce and Ra’s al Ghul throughout the movie.

WTF Moment:
-The Batmobile, or tumbler rather.  Now I don’t hate it, but it’s a little much.  The Tim Burton version is a lot better, but as crazy as it sounds, the tumbler makes more sense in Nolan’s Batman world because it’s more realistic than theBurtonversion which is pretty much a James Bond car.  But still…it’s just way too massive.

Best Scene:
-When Ra’s al Ghul reveals himself at Bruce’s party.  Not for one second did I believe Liam Neeson was Ra’s al Ghul.  This whole scene between Bruce and Ra’s al Ghul is just filled with awesome dialogue as Ra’s al Ghul explains his plan, and the music really kicks up at the end.  I love it.

Worst Scene:
-The car chase between the cops and Batman on the highway.  Here’s why.  I don’t have any problems with the actual action of the scene, but the dialogue gets way too jokey, and this movie is better than that.  Here’s some of the dialogue:

Gordon (on seeing the tumbler): I got to get me one of those.
Random Cop: It’s a black…tank.
Random Cop: He’s flying on rooftops!
Random Cop: At least tell me what it looks like…(sees tumbler) never mind.

I just think we could have done without these lame lines and poor delivery.

Funniest Moment:
-There was actually quite a few to choose from, but when Bruce abruptly leaves the party and tells Alfred, “Tell them that joke you know,” gets me every time.

Bad Ass Moment:
-The Joker card.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #55

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl (2005)

Plot: 4^th Grader Max (Cayden Boyd) escapes his dreadful real life as he dreams up the planet Drool and its heroes Sharkboy (Taylor Lautner) and Lavagirl (Taylor Dooley).  But when his dream turns into a reality, Sharkboy and Lavagirl need him to help save their planet.

This is what would happen if a six year old wrote Inception.  I don’t mean that in a good way.  I hate to be harsh on a kids’ movie, but this just isn’t very good.  The special effects are absolutely terrible as the kids are surrounded by really poor animation and CG.  The story feels like they make it up as they go along.  Kids’ movies should still have some semblance of rules.  The dialogue is horrific.  It’s so clunky, odd, and direct, and not even close to how kids and adults would interact with each other.  This doesn’t even feel like a movie.  It’s television level.  It tries at times, but sometimes too hard.  Really, they row down the stream of consciousness at one point?  Wow.  But now it’s time to delve into the real issues with this film.  There’s a villain named Mr. Electric played by George Lopez who’s really annoying (what a surprise) and all his dialogue consisted of electricity puns.  I had flashbacks of ice puns in Batman & Robin, it’s really that bad.  At one point Mr. Electric farts electric sparks.  Hahaha.  How clever.  The kid acting may be the worst I’ve ever seen.  I hate picking on kid actors, but its Jake Lloyd Phantom Menace level, possibly even worse.  The director (Robert Rodriguez) really needed to do something about this, because I couldn’t even focus on the film with how terrible it was.  As far as kids’ films go, it’s harmless, with only two fart jokes.  There are some nice ideas here, but everything is executed poorly.  The second half is at least entertaining.  It’s not awful, but there are hundreds of other kids’ movies out there with an actual coherent story.

Rating: 5 out of 10 (Barely Passable Entertainment)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Taylor Dooley as Lavagirl
-In a sea of terrible acting, she actually brings something to the table.  Her character and performance is by far the most intriguing, and one of the few people that kept me mildly interested in this movie.

Worst Performance: Taylor Lautner as Sharkboy
-It was like watching a train wreck.  Oh man, he’s terrible.  Every single time he spoke, I shuttered.  All his stupid little growls, his awkward head movement, I just hated it.  He acts more like a hyper active hyena than a shark.  He also sings at one point…ugh.  The character is also kind of a dick.  He’s always threatening to beat-up Max throughout the movie.  I honestly thought this character was going to turn out evil.  He’s such an ass bag.

Best Line: “Everything that is or was began with a dream.” –Lavagirl
-That’s not a bad line for a kids’ movie, although it may have been the only decent line in the film, so I don’t know.

Worst Line: “Watt’s up!” –Mr. Electric
-Yes, this actually happened.

Best Fight:
-There’s really only one, and it’s when Max and Minus have their little dream off.  Its fine, except there’s a part where there’s a bunch of floating brains that fart…a brain fart.  Get it?

WTF Moment:
-Here’s another line from Mr. Electric: ‘For every person who dreams up the electric light bulb, there’s the one who dreams up the atom bomb.’  I don’t know, kind of morbid for a kids’ movie.

Best Scene:
-When Mr. Electric sends giant wire plugs after the trio, one of them can’t reach, causing it to plug into an extension cord.  That was pretty clever.

Worst Scene:
-When they are exploring the dream graveyard, there’s a giant Gameboy and Original Nintendo controller.  This just pissed me off!  Are they implying no one plays with these things anymore, and they are nothing but faded dreams of the past?  What the hell!  I still love original 8-bit Nintendo.  What a bunch of assholes!

Funniest Moment:
-Max’s dad gets in a fight with his wife and yells after her, ‘He’s not making any friends with these cookies!’  Wow, he totally bagged on his wife’s baking skills, hahaha.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Max is running away from Linus, the asshole bully who’s after his precious dream journal.  When they have him cornered on top of the playground set, Max throws his journal through the tube slide and dives in after it.  That was pretty nifty.  It’s always good to find a use for a tube slide.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #54

Son of the Mask (2005)

Plot: When struggling cartoonist Tim Avery (Jamie Kennedy) gets a hold of the Mask, he ends up impregnating his wife (Traylor Howard) while wearing it and their son is endowed with the same powers.  As Tim struggles to deal with his super- powered baby, Loki (Alan Cumming), the God who forged the Mask, is on a mission to retrieve it. 

Have you ever watched a movie so bad that your body just kind of fidgets and goes into an uncomfortable state as a way of trying to cope with the images on the screen?  That’s what happened when I watched Son of the Mask.  This is the kind of film where you end up re-evaluating the evolution of man kind.  Are we devolving?  Okay, it’s only a movie, but still, I just wanted to paint a clear picture of how unspeakably horrible this was.  It’s a painful experience to sit through.  I’m not joking when I tell you I’d rather have my wisdom teeth removed again rather then watch this a second time.  And the scary thing is that this movie is under 90 minutes long.  It was easily the longest 90 minutes of my entire life.  I’ll never be able to run for President now because they’ll discover Son of the Mask was in my Netflix queue.  Do I really have to get into specifics?  The tone is just so unsettling.  In fact, unsettling is the perfect word to describe this movie.  I’m just going to rattle off a few things:  A baby dances on an ultrasound reading.  Tim Avery almost stabs his infant son with a broken lamp while half asleep as goofy music blasts in the background.  A woman turns into a giant nose and sneezes.  Oh yea, and Jamie Kennedy does a dance number that begins with hip-hop, morphs into an Elvis parody, shifts into a Western hoedown, and circles back with a rap sequence.  I’ve said this a hundred times, but Jim Carrey really is one of the most talented actors of our time.  Is this what the original Mask would have been like if he wasn’t in it?  Even Jamie Kennedy, who I think is really funny, was just atrocious and painful to watch.  Let me break down some of the plot points for you.  The baby’s ultimate goal is to drive his dad so crazy that he’ll have to go to a mental institution while the family dog wears the Mask in an attempt to kill the baby.  Like I said…unsettling.  The special effects are terrible, the acting is terrible, and I’m a terrible person for watching this.  Was there anything positive in this movie?  Ben Stein at the beginning was kind of funny.  That saves Son of the Mask from delving into 1 rating territory, but it’s awfully close.  Every DVD, VHS, Blu-Ray, and print of this film should be burnt so the soul of this movie can burn in Hell, although I think that’s a bit of a paradox, because the movie could be Hell itself.

Rating: 2 out of 10 (A complete and utter disaster)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Ben Stein as Dr. Neuman  
-It’s the mask expert from the first film.  He gets one scene, and it’s mildly entertaining.  If he was in multiple scenes though, I probably would have not picked anything for ‘Best Performance’ because I’m sure even Ben Stein would have gone down the vortex of shit that every one else does in this film.

Worst Performance: Lawrence Guterman (the Director)
-I was going to go with Jamie Kennedy, but really, it’s the director who’s at fault.  If your film is a complete mess, then he’s the one to blame.  I know Jamie Kennedy is talented.  I even like him in Malibu’s Most Wanted which is far from perfect.  The fact that Bob Hoskins sucks as well proves that it’s the director’s fault.

Best Line: “Apparently you do not agree with my theories.” –Dr. Neuman
-This is pretty good because its right after Loki rips apart his museum, but Ben Stein keeps that same deadpanned and nonchalant voice we know so well when he delivers it.

Worst Line: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” –Loki
-Only because I’m mortified that a great Muhammad Ali quote like this is associated with such an abomination of a film.  I pray he got paid a ton of money for this.  I’m also being a jerk for even mentioning this as the two will now become linked in a Google search.

Best Fight:
-I refuse to pick one.

WTF Moment:
-The creation of this film.  When you think of how many people work on a movie, it boggles my mind that so many individuals’ lives are now tainted as their names will be associated with Son of the Mask till the end of time.

Best Scene:
-Once again, the opening museum scene with Ben Stein is the only watchable moment.

Worst Scene:
-Wow…so many too choose from.  I guess when you have a baby peeing in multiple directions and ending with basically a waterfall of urine shooting out at Jamie Kennedy, that’s a tough one to beat.  I will say this to the film’s credit…there wasn’t a scene where poop exploded into an entire room.  I was waiting for it.

Funniest Moment:
-The baby, which is terrible CG for a majority of the film, did have one humorous moment when he smiles deviously. 

Bad Ass Moment:
-I refuse to pick one.