Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #88

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

Plot: An ancient and powerful Prince (Luke Goss) attempts to revive a group of warriors known as ‘the Golden Army’ to wage war against humanity.  Hellboy (Ron Perlman) and his gang of Paranormal Investigators is the only thing standing in Prince Nuada’s way.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army… not as good as the original.  It’s just a lot sillier and goofier.  They introduce these little flying blue things that are practically identical to the pesky pixies from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  They also go to ‘Troll City,’ which is nothing but gimmicky monsters and creatures walking around serving no purpose.  It kind of reminded me of the Star Wars prequels.  While I felt the story in the previous film was really ‘meh,’ it’s even worse here.  I wasn’t invested in this plot whatsoever.  It pisses me off, because this franchise does have great characters, they just get involved with boring conflicts.  And just like with the last one, the camaraderie between the main characters is the best part.  I kind of wish they just made a Hellboy movie where Hellboy, Abe, and Liz Sherman are playing pool or something.  They introduce Johann Krauss, who I guess is literally made out of gas.  He was cool.  The main villain (Prince Nuada) is kind of whiney and nasally, but has his share of bad ass moments.  I like the connection between him and his sister.  When you hurt one of them, it injures the other.  That was an interesting concept.  There’s definitely a fair amount of scenes with some real meat to them, like Hellboy’s desire to be accepted by humanity.  Visually, the film looks good, especially when the Golden Army is introduced.  The last act is excruciatingly slow paced, although it does pick up steam.  I just wished I cared more.  Good characters, solid acting, but mostly forgettable. 

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Selma Blair as Liz Sherman
-Her character has always been the most interesting.  Blair has more command of the character than ever before, and she really carries a lot of these scenes.

Worst Performance: Montse Ribe as Young Hellboy
-It’s only one scene, but he’s horrible.  It doesn’t help that he visually looks awkward and silly.

Best Line: “And if ever you were human…that time is long gone.” –Liz Sherman to Johann
-Wow…harsh thing to say to a cloud of gas.

Worst Line: “Watch it boys, she’s on fire.” –Hellboy on Liz
-Bad pun.

Best Fight:
-I’d have to go with the last fight between Hellboy and Prince Nuada.  There’s a lot of sword play, flipping around, gears turning all over the place…a solid fight.

WTF Moment:
-When the King orders his son, Prince Nuada, that the Golden Army will not be revived, the Prince takes out all the guards in a matter of seconds.  Then he goes up to the King, who kind of looks at him with this goofy smile.  He just sits there and lets his son kill him.  Couldn’t he move out of the way or something?  He knows its coming!  He literally sits there frozen solid, just like ‘whatever, I guess I’m going to die.’

Best Scene:
-I like the lighthearted moments between Hellboy and Abe as they drink and sing away their problems.

Worst Scene:
-Even though I enjoyed Hellboy and Abe’s drunken debauchery, they later go into Liz’s room, and Abe has this long speech.  His voice sounded really bad when he was drunk.  Not funny at all and kind of annoying.  It was a different guy doing the voice, so maybe David Hyde Pierce from the original could have pulled it off better.

Funniest Moment:
-Poor Abe and his little neck brace that helps him breathe is being described as a toilet seat on Jimmy Kimmel live.  Here is Abe’s response: ‘It’s quite obvious it’s a breathing apparatus.’

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Johann and his gassy goodness take control of one of the Golden Army robots.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #87

Hancock (2008)

Plot: After saving the life of a PR Executive (Jason Bateman), the drunken and unpopular superhero Hancock (Will Smith) tries to repair his image and fall back in favor with the general public.

This movie is pretty easy to break down.  The first half is awesome.  The second half completely goes off the rails.  In fact, this may be the first movie in history where you can pin point the exact second where the film goes bananas.  It’s a really bad plot twist that is just unsettling.  Although watching it a second time, the plot twist is a little bit easier to swallow as there are subtle hints to its eventual arrival.  Getting to the stuff I like though…Hancock really impresses me with how well it blends comedy and drama.  9 times out of 10, this usually fails, but director Peter Berg nails it.  When you have a movie where the protagonist is literally shoving someone’s head up another man’s ass, but in another scene I feel genuinely sympathetic towards him, that’s pretty impressive.  It even happens in the span of one single scene.  One of Hancock’s most vulnerable moments comes after a bit of a goofy moment where him and a woman are in bed together, and we see Hancock’s powers can make him dangerous in that situation.  The woman just leaves as Hancock’s loneliness is shown perfectly on the screen.  It’s a strong example of how the genres are mixed to great effect.  It certainly helps when you have Will Smith driving the ship.  This is a superhero movie, but it’s quiet one.  When Hancock revamps his image and flies into a crime scene sober, you can kind of hear Supermanish type music.  The score and soundtrack in general are pretty good all around.  The film has a lot of great little moments.  When Hancock, Ray (Jason Bateman), and Mary (Charlize Theron) are all at dinner, and Hancock is telling his back story, you definitely get intrigued and want to figure out the mystery to his past.  Unfortunately once Hancock’s past is revealed, that’s when the movie loses its serious tone and becomes rather silly.  The revelations are explained poorly, and a lot of the good will the film had built up loses almost all of it pretty quickly.  They also randomly try and develop a villain in the last 15 minutes which just doesn’t work.  And at this point, the genres are no longer being mixed well.  The villain tries to have this serious moment with the two guys who were involved in the infamous ‘ass shoving’ scene.  I’m sorry, but there is no way in hell I’m taking them seriously after that.  Jason Bateman is fine for the most part, but doesn’t really fit.  And there is a little too much shakey cam at certain points.  Do we really need the shakey cam when Bateman’s character is in a board meeting?  Come on.  Hancock is worth seeing because of the first half, but I’ve never seen a movie go down hill faster then this one.  It’s a real shame.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 (slightly better than ‘meh’)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Will Smith as Hancock
-Was this really a question?

Worst Performance: Charlize Theron as Mary
-It might be more the script, but her performance is completely uneven.  She’s fine in the first half, but when she’s revealed as another super being, it’s just a mess.  She’s overly serious one minute, then goofy and jokey the next.  It just doesn’t work.

Best Line: “You should sue McDonalds, because they fucked you up.” –Hancock in response to someone wanting to sue him
-There was a lot to choose from, but it’s Smith’s delivery that really sells this.

Worst Line: “I was in Cuba for the whole missile thing.” –Mary
-This is a conversation between her and Ray when he discovers she’s an immortal super powered being.  She’s telling him stories about the glory days.  Theron delivers this line like a school girl, which is why it’s so annoying.

Best Fight:
-There are none to pick.  The only option is between Hancock and Mary, but that one is really stupid.  And it doesn’t make any sense.  Why is there a random storm and tornado circling them when they fight?  That’s never explained.

WTF Moment:
-Ray is drinking a Dunkin Donuts coffee, but it’sLos Angeles, where there are no Dunkin Donuts.  What the hell is up with that!

Best Scene:
-Hancock’s first flying scene is filmed really well.  It truly looks like he’s drunk as we get a classic shot of him holding the bottle of liquor while floating around.  We also get this classic speech as Hancock approaches the gun car:

Hancock: Three guys in the car, no girls, rave music.  Hey, I’m not gonna judge.  But if you don’t pull over and give yourselves up quietly.  I swear to Christ, your head is going up the driver’s ass.  His head is going up your ass.  And you drew the short stick because your head is going up my ass.

Worst Scene:
-It’s the big plot reveal.  Mary and Hancock are kissing and she suddenly throws him through a wall.  No matter how you slice it, it just doesn’t feel right, and kind of silly.  It’s like Mary took this movie that was really good and then just pushed it through a wall.

Funniest Moment:
-When Hancock takes that whale and chucks it back into the ocean as it hits a sail, I laughed my ass off.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Hancock literally shoving one man’s head into another man’s ass was just pure insanity.  And for some reason, playing the Sanford and Son theme during it was just the icing on the cake.  For a dumb concept, this is actually a really well directed scene.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #86

Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow (2008, animated)

Plot: When Ultorn (Tom Kane) attacks and kills the original Avengers, their children are brought to a safe house and protected for many years.  But when Ultron returns, the young child Avengers must band together and eliminate him once and for all.

Why should I care about the little kid Avengers?  I want to watch ‘the Avengers.’  But as it turns out, this is actually a solid film.  It takes a while to get rolling, but it’s a satisfying back story.  The idea of Ultron and how he was created is pretty interesting.  And even though I was resistant towards watching the kids become the heroes, they really do mimic their parents pretty damn well.  Most notably is James Rogers, who basically is mini-Captain America.  He also throws a weird holographic shield thing which was kind of cool.  Torunn (Thor’s daughter) is identical to Thor, with the only difference being she uses a sword and not a hammer.  The one character I absolutely detested though was Pym, the son of Giant Man and Wasp.  He is annoying beyond belief.  It was nice to see Tony Stark have a big role though as the only guy from the old guard to have a strong presence.  One of the highlights of the movie is when he gets back into the Iron Man suit.  He also builds the Iron Avengers who mimic the original Avengers perfectly.  They were pretty bad ass.  There’s some great action, like when the kids run through what almost looks like a giant Tetris game.  The plot is really slow to develop though.  These kids spend so much time just reflecting on their fallen parents.  We get it…they never got to know them.  James Rogers in particular has about 30 scenes where he’s looking out a window thinking of his dad.  But if you are really into the Avengers, I think it’s worth checking out.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 (slightly better than ‘meh’)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Noah C. Crawford as James Rogers
-He really does have the command of his dad.  He even calls out really terrible plans and always has to have his own.

Worst Performance: Aidan Drummond as Pym
-Excruciating.

Best Line: “HULK IS STRONGEST THERE IS!” –Hulk
-He just absolutely belts this line at the top of his lungs…awesome!

Worst Line: “So, are you up for a little Avenging?” –Tony Stark at the end
-It’s bad enough he says ‘Avenging,’ but it’s that combined with the sappy music and childish laughter from everyone at the end.

Best Fight:
-The kids fighting the Iron Avengers.  And they obviously go up against their ‘parents,’ which is the best part.  They mimic the real Avengers perfectly, right down to the fighting style.  I love the Black Widow Iron Avenger who’s shooting like 4 guns at the same time.

WTF Moment:
-They go see old man Bruce Banner, and he’s still emo about becoming the Hulk!?  Come on!  You’ve been the Hulk for several decades now.  Get over it!

Best Scene:
-Torunn meeting her father for the first time on the rainbow bridge at the outskirts of Asgard was actually a pretty good emotional pay-off.  It’s really built up throughout the entire movie.  And it starts out a little intense for a kid’s movie as Torunn flies into the atmosphere and starts getting covered with ice.

Worst Scene:
-Pym pointing out who everyone is when they see the Iron Avengers for the first time.  It’s literally him going down the line and shouting out their names in annoying fashion.  Yea, we know who they are!  Even if you aren’t a superhero fan, you see them at the beginning of the movie.  We don’t need Pym to point them out like an overly excited fanboy.

Funniest Moment:
-An old robot from the past (The Vision) returns to warn Stark and the kids that Ultron is returning.  At one point Torunn refers to him as ‘stupid robot.’  This was really a jerk thing to say, because the robot has this really kind and gentle voice, but Torunn’s condescending tone made me laugh.

Bad Ass Moment:
-The Hulk at the end just goes crazy and rips Ultron in half…now that’s what I’m talking about!

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #85

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Plot: After an accident with gamma radiation which causes him to turn into a green monster with incredible strength, scientist Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) is on the run from the U.S. Military while trying to find a cure for his disease.

My first reaction to this film is that it kicks the shit out of the putrid Ang Lee Hulk.  The only real annoying aspect about this movie is no one knew if this was a re-boot, sequel, re-boot/sequel, I don’t know…I’m just going to take it as a re-boot and pretend Ang Lee’s version never happened.  It’s all different actors.  They tell the entire origin story in the credit sequence which we’ve never seen before.  Edward Norton is great as Bruce Banner.  He really drives this whole project.  All the supporting characters are strong as well.  I love Tim Roth as Emil Blonsky, the real villain of the film.  He’s so obsessed with beating the Hulk.  He even takes a shot to the bone marrow to improve his strength…that looked really painful.  William Hurt as General Ross is also great, and they do a good job of building a strong relationship between Banner and Betty Ross played by Liv Tyler.  Phil Dunphy (Ty Burrell) from Modern Family even shows up.  This poor guy…I couldn’t take him seriously at all.  Every time he opened his mouth, I chuckled.  There is no way I’m not thinking of Phil Dunphy when he’s on screen.  Sorry dude.  Tim Blake Nelson also comes in as a quirky scientist who tries to cure Banner.  He’s kind of annoying, but works for the most part.  When he’s creating the Abomination, the scene got a little hokey.  Probably the best part about this film though is the score.  It kicks ass.  Craig Armstrong really knocked it out of the park.  There’s a fantastic foot chase inSouth America, and the music is just stellar.  I often run to it, so there you go.  This is a damn good movie, packed with action…in other words the exact opposite of the 2004 version.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very Good)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Edward Norton as Bruce Banner
-I almost went with Tim Roth, but Norton really puts this movie on his shoulders.  There’s a great moment where he’s running from the military but has to slow down or he’ll turn into the Hulk.  The concern on his face as he’s panting heavily is conveyed really well.

Worst Performance: Liv Tyler as Betty Ross
-She’s actually pretty solid, but there just weren’t a lot of options.  She tends to have one tone throughout the movie.

Best Line: “Where is it?  Come on!  Where is it?  Show him to me!” –Emil Blonsky
-This guy is crazy, but always up for a challenge.  He’s actually trying to get the Hulk out so he can fight it.  This line sums up the character perfectly.

Worst Line: “Sweet…Booya.” –Random army guy about to fire his rocket launcher
-Come on…booya!?  Ugh.

Best Fight:
-The Hulk vs. the Abomination at the end was simply amazing.  They just bash the shit out of each other.  Awesome fight!

WTF Moment:
-Why does Banner put his entire life on the line when he asks to be dropped out of the helicopter?  I know he’s trying to get the Hulk out, but there’s definitely a chance it won’t work.  I have to think there was another way to induce it without potentially killing himself.

Best Scene:
-The attack at the college where they try and catch Banner is pretty sweet.  Hulk throws a bunch of stuff, the military tries to defeat him with these awesome Guile like sonic boom guns, it’s got it all.  The only thing that gets to me is when students start taking video and pictures with their cell phones.  I hate when this happens in an action movie!

Worst Scene:
-The news report where some kid goes, ‘It was so big, it was like this huge…Hulk.’  I hate that the Hulk gets his name from some obnoxious college kid.

Funniest Moment:
-After taking the cab of death inNew York, Betty screams at the cab driver ‘Are you out of your mind!’  This is funny, because Betty is always calm, and Liv Tyler’s performance was on the monotone side.  But to suddenly hear her absolutely yell at the top of her lungs was really funny.

Bad Ass Moment:
-When Betty’s helicopter catches fire, Hulk smashes his hands together as the force of impact extinguishes the fire.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #84

Batman: Gotham Knight (2008, animated)

Plot: Six separate stories involving the Batman (Kevin Conroy) and his journey to rid Gotham City of crime and corruption.

The film is broken up into six different segments, and the first one is absolutely horrible.  It got me really worried for what the hell I was getting myself into.  I must say though, after that initial storyline, the film got pretty damn good.  It takes forever to get going, but once the real Batman actually shows up, it’s a worthy representation of the character.  It’s definitely got a different feel than other Batman animated movies, but the character is still there and better than ever.  I guess this connects loosely to Batman Begins, taking place right before the Dark Knight, but I don’t buy it.  They make references to Scarecrow’s attack on theNarrows, and Lucius Fox’s voice sounds identical to Morgan Freeman, but Bruce Wayne and Alfred are living in Wayne Manor hanging out in the Cave.  Yea, weren’t they re-building it?  The animation is quite impressive, especially in the actual settings.  I love the ‘Working through Pain’ storyline as Batman deals with a devastating wound while at the same time thinking back to his training and learning how to endure pain.  We get a few Batman villains, but Killer Croc is really short changed.  Deadshot was pretty awesome though.  I love when he takes out his victim while moving around on a Ferris wheel.  I’d recommend this for any Batman fan, but just keep in mind: it’s a little jarring at first.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very Good)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Kevin Conroy as Bruce Wayne/Batman
-It’s Kevin Conroy as Batman.  What else is there to say?

Worst Performance: Jim Meskimen as Lt. James Gordon
-There was just something about his voice that sounded really terrible and completely un-Gordon like.

Best Line: “Because of him…I’m not ashamed of being a cop anymore.” –Anna Ramirez on Batman
-That’s a pretty bad ass line, and sums up Batman perfectly.

Worst Line: “I never seen him before but I’m like, ‘I so know who this is.’” –Porkchop
-The way he says it is just really annoying, and I just hate the ‘I so know who this is’ when talking about Batman.

Best Fight:
-Batman Vs Deadshot on the train was pretty cool.  I wish I could say it was Batman and Killer Croc, but that lasts for about 2 seconds…lame.

WTF Moment:
-Why does Bruce Wayne look like he’s 15 when talking to Lucius Fox?  Why does he look older in flashbacks?  And why the hell does he look completely different at the end with Alfred?  What the hell is going on?

Best Scene:
-Batman fighting for the first time surrounded by all the fire was beautifully depicted.  He has this intense stand-off with a mafia thug that is just perfect Batman.

Worst Scene:
-The entire first segment entitled ‘Have I Got a Story for You’ just sucks.  It’s these street kids who talk in blatant stereotypes as they talk about their separate encounters with Batman.  I guess it’s from the perspective of the kids’ imagination, and what they interpret Batman to look like, but it’s always just Batman being depicted as a weird creature.  Screw this!  I want to see Batman!  And then Batman shows up at the end of the segment looking fat and completely different from the later segments.  Honestly, if you see this movie, just skip the first storyline.  It’s a complete waste of time.

Funniest Moment:
-I love how in the middle of this intense mob war, Batman just shows up in the middle of a gun fight, grabs the two mob bosses, and settles their conflict, telling them what territory they each get until he finds something on them.  They agree to it immediately.  Batman is such a bad ass.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Deadshoot flicking his toothpick and killing a bumblebee was pretty nifty.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #83

Iron Man (2008)

Plot: Billionaire playboy/brilliant weapons manufacturer Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is taken prisoner by terrorists in Afghanistan.  After building a suit of armor to escape, he perfects his design, becoming the hero ‘Iron Man.’

The first fifteen minutes are outstanding.  Robert Downey Jr’s charisma is bursting out of the screen.  From his first moments in the army car to the introduction of his arrogant and playboy ways, Downeyis almost Oscar caliber as the most likable asshole ever to appear on screen.  It also helps when the writers give you great line after great line.  The first half in general is pretty damn good.  The opening moments where Stark gets captured is directed flawlessly by Jon Favreau.  I love when he wakes up plugged into a car battery.  That’s kind of a rude awakening.  Iron Man is a good movie, but there are two flaws hindering it from being great.  The first is the pacing.  Stark building the prototype suit in the cave is pretty well done, and I love his escape, especially the suspense of the power bar on the computer powering up.  But once he gets back to the States, he builds the suit again.  Didn’t we just see this?  I understand that the movie is called Iron Man, but two separate scenes of watching Stark build the suit…eh.  And the second building sequence is just a lot of bad comedic moments where Stark crashes into walls.  But this is a minor complaint compared to the real problem.  Stark is the only character worth watching in this film.  It’s got nothing else.  Terrence Howard as Rhodey is forgettable.  Despite a couple scenes, Gwyneth Paltrow is just there and has no chemistry with Downey.  The movie desperately needed a villain.  All we get is random terrorist #46.  There’s a moment where he’s collecting pieces of Stark’s prototype suit after escaping, but we know this guy is never going to be a threat, so nobody cares.  (Spoilers Next) And then the movie realizes in the last twenty minutes, ‘oh shit, we better make Obadiah Stane a bad guy.’  Jeff Bridges does what he can, but he’s totally wasted and completely underdeveloped as he’s thrown into a giant transformer at the end so the film can have a climax.  Honestly, the only other character I liked was Agent Coulson.  Everyone ignored and treated him like a joke until you find out he’s SHIELD.  Iron Man is a fun ride that’s completely carried by Downey.  It could have been so much more though.

Rating: 7 out of 10 (Good)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man
-Pretty much a no-brainer here.

Worst Performance: Faran Tahir as Raza
-The most generic and cliché boring terrorist in the history of movies.  He does absolutely nothing with this role.

Best Line: “I am Iron Man.” –Stark revealing himself at the end in the press conference
-I didn’t know anything about Iron Man beforehand, so this completely took me off guard.

Worst Line: “Damn…next time baby.” –Rhodey on watching Iron Man fly out of his roof, and then notices the silver suit in Stark’s workshop
-Other than the fact that he uses ‘damn’ and ‘baby,’ I really hate the blatant, ‘Ohhhhhhhhhh, wait till the sequel.’

Best Fight:
-The only fight is Iron Man and Obadiah Stane at the end.  It’s pretty mediocre, although we do get to see Iron Man use his chest laser thing.

WTF Moment:
-How is Obadiah able to use his giant Iron Man suit so well after just jumping into it for the first time?  And I’ve got to think that it being much larger, it’s even harder to control.  That’s really stretching it.

Best Scene:
-Iron Man’s first appearance in the good model when he saves that village from terrorists.  It’s completely bad ass as he’s firing lasers and missiles everywhere.  And then you get the walk away moment after he blows up the tank.

Worst Scene:
-Tony and Pepper standing out on the balcony after dancing.  Gwyneth Paltrow is a complete mess, using phrases like ‘totally’ ‘just’ and ‘likes’ a lot.

Funniest Moment:
-A lot to choose from, but when Stark walks by a gorgeous woman who says, ‘Remember me,’ Stark just goes ‘Sure don’t.’  That had me laughing the most.

Bad Ass Moment:
-This is one that kind of happens by accident, but when Stark walks out of the cave with his prototype suit, one of the terrorist’s walks up to him with a pistol and fires.  The bullet bounces back and hits him in the head.  Hahahaha…awesome.

Why is Pirates of the Caribbean so Popular?

I just learned a few days ago that Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides became only the 8^th movie in history to cross the $1 billion dollar mark worldwide.  This completely floored me.  I understand the success of something like Transformers.  Cars transform into giant robots and beat the shit out of each other.  I get that’s a recipe for box office success.  While I hate the Transformer movies with a burning passion, I at least understand their appeal.  But the money making machine that is Pirates of the Caribbean just baffles me.  Why are these movies so popular?

Now I’ve never liked the series.  I think all three are long, boring, and mediocre at best.  In fact, I may even like 2 and 3 more, which is really out there.  They are so dumb to the point where it’s kind of entertaining, like watching a car crash.  There is not one thing that interests me about this franchise.  I guess there’s pretty good action, but it takes forever to get there.

When the 4^th one was announced, I truly believed nobody cared about these movies anymore.  And when the trailers came out, I thought they were the most unappealing previews in the history of movies.  If these trailers were good for anything, they helped me to go to bed.  And then I saw the actual movie.  It’s not that this movie is horrible.  There’s just nothing there.  It’s the definition of ‘going through the motions.’  There’s one good scene with mermaids, but other than that, I couldn’t tell you one thing I remembered about this film.   

I was confident after its first weekend, that On Stranger Tides would go away, conjuring up mediocre business and I would never have to think about this franchise ever again.  Boy was I wrong.  $1 billion dollars.  How on Earth does this film make $1 billion dollars!  I really need someone who enjoys this movie to sit next to me and explain what it is they like so much.  Movies don’t make $1 billion dollars without people going for repeat viewings.  The thought of sitting through this film more than once is horrifying.  What the hell is it about On Stranger Tides that garnered so much cash!  Is it the fact that they do nothing but repeat scenes from the original?  Is it the stock villain we’ve seen 500 times before?  Is it Penelope Cruz’s barely attentive performance?  SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME!

Wait a minute…I know why.  Is it really Johnny Depp’s performance as Jack Sparrow?  That’s why people come back for more.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  What is so damn interesting about this character?  He stumbles around drunk in pirate make-up.  That’s it.  That’s the character.  I guess he’s mildly entertaining for about ten minutes, but four 2 hour plus movies?  Cut me a break.  He never had a clear goal or motive: he just floats around aimlessly and does whatever is most convenient at the exact moment.  How does that make for a good film?  It’s like the movie can just make it up as it goes along.  Not to sound like an intellectual ass bag, but pardon me if I want a little structure.  I really do detest this character.  It’s the most overrated performance in modern film.

Well, I guess I just need to accept Pirates of the Caribbean is going to be with us for a very, very long time.  Even though these films aren’t worse than a franchise like Transformers, I think the success of Pirates bothers me more.  I can point out ‘A+’ elements in every Transformers film, even the atrocity that is the second one (Revenge of the Fallen).  But the Pirates movies are all ‘C+’ at best.  They do nothing interesting.  The plots are impossible to follow.  They are just there.  $1 billion dollars for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides…unbelievable.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #82

Justice League: The New Frontier (2008, animated)

Plot: Set in the 1950’s, New Frontier tells the story of how the Justice League came together as they face off against a powerful alien entity that threatens the entire planet.

Justice League: the New Frontier is a little too overly dramatic for my liking.  This is especially apparent in the voice acting.  At one point, Lois Lane gives a solemn news report and completely breaks down.  It was a little much.  The voice acting in general just doesn’t work.  I could see how some people would like it, but they are dramatically different from what I’ve seen before, especially when it comes to Superman and Batman.  I respect New Frontier for being different from your average superhero film, but it’s a chore to sit through.  The plot takes forever to develop.  And it’s really annoying.  Everyone just keeps talking about this ‘Center’ thing.  What the hell does that mean?  The last time I heard of the Center was in a Boy Meets World episode where Shawn joins a weird cult.  I’m pretty sure it’s not that.  They wait forever to reveal what it is.  The film definitely has some nice scenes though.  I like when Hal Jordan and Abin Sur meet.  It was certainly done better here than in the recent live action movie.  And even though everyone conveniently comes together at the end, the last action scene is pretty damn good.  I just wished I cared more.  The animation at the end is also ridiculously sappy.  If you’re desperate to see the Justice League in the 1950’s, I guess this is for you, but it’s fairly mediocre.

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: David Boreanaz as Hal Jordan/Green Lantern
-I didn’t like his voice at first, but by the end, it was clearly the best in the film.  He feels like the main character as the movie gives him the most detailed back story.

Worst Performance: Jeremy Sisto as Batman
-I get they wanted to try something a little different, but I’m sorry, it just sounded like Batman had a cold.

Best Line: “Look, Hal, I don’t get involved with my employees.” –Carol Ferris
                         “I understand Carol.  But I don’t start work for two more weeks.” –Hal Jordan
-Ooooooooooooo, pretty smooth, Hal.

Worst Line: “I hear you’re quite a detective.” –Superman to Robin
-If I were Robin, I’d be pissed.  The delivery of the line was like something you would say to a four year old, like ‘I hear you’re quite the little artist.’  I don’t know, just kind of antagonizing. 

Best Fight:
-Everyone going up against the Center alien island thing was pretty bad ass.

WTF Moment:
-I hate how they just throw in random Justice League members at the end.  Green Arrow is there, but he never says or does anything.  He doesn’t even shoot an arrow!  What a waste.  And then Aquaman suddenly comes in at the very end to delivery a wounded Superman.  They were so forced.

Best Scene:
-Hal becoming Green Lantern at the end was pretty damn cool.  The animation looked great, and continued to look great as Green Lantern destroyed the center of the island with his ring.

Worst Scene:
-When Superman rallies the troops and raises his arms shouting, ‘Are you with me!’ was a little much.  But it did remain consistent with the over voice acting throughout the film, so there you go.

Funniest Moment:
-Martian Manhunter shape shifting into Bugs Bunny gave me a few chuckles.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Batman’s first appearance as he’s beating up a bunch of thugs…doesn’t get much better than that.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #81

Superhero Movie (2008)

Plot: In this parody of Spider-man and other superhero movies, while on a class field trip, Rick (Drake Bell) is bitten by a radioactive dragonfly, giving him super powers.  Rick is the only one who can stop ‘the Hourglass,’ a crazed scientist (Christopher McDonald) who can suck people’s life force. 

At least this movie doesn’t beat around the bush.  It tells you right off the bat what to expect.  In a knock off of Peter Parker running for the bus, Rick Riker does the same, but crashes into the door as it stops.  And thus begins a record number of physical comedy gags.  That’s all this is: One joke after another of people running into walls, doors, and tripping all over the scenery.  And when it’s not someone getting hurt, we get the Naked Gun type sight gags that we’ve seen a hundred times before.  Now to be fair, some of these gags do hit.  Stuff like the idrink, and a clever take-off of the Microsoft Office Paper Clip helper thing were pretty clever, but otherwise, the director is desperately trying to make us laugh with lame Tom Cruise and Rosie O’Donnell references.  Probably the most infuriating element to this film is that not only do they pull out pee and poop jokes at will, but it’s those jokes that go on the longest.  There’s a pee scene in here that is just endless, and not at all funny.  Cut me a break.  It pains me to admit that I did get a substantial chuckle every 15 minutes.  The acting saves this movie from being completely terrible.  Leslie Nielson, Jeffrey Tambor, Christopher McDonald, these are all veteran guys who aren’t exactly given Shakespeare, but they make it work.  Sara Paxton plays the teenage love interest to Rick, and she actually does a good job of mimicking Kirsten Dunst from Spider-man.  Pamela Anderson was also accurate casting for Invisible Girl, because let’s face it…Is there really that much of a difference in acting ability between Pamela Anderson and Jessica Alba, the original Invisible Girl.  There’s a ‘douchebag of the year’ song that was kind of funny, and a clever jab at Women’s Basketball.  I think I chuckled enough not to call this movie bad, but it’s nothing anybody needs to see.

Rating: 5 out of 10 (Barely Passable Entertainment)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Tracy Morgan as Professor Xavier
-If anything, he wins this because it’s just so weird.  It’s a small role, but Morgan is actually pretty damn funny here.  Despite a couple lines, it’s a toned down Tracy Morgan performance.  It might be because his character was involved with some of the best jokes, but whatever the case, Morgan was fun as Xavier.

Worst Performance: Robert Joy as Dr. Hawking
-Maybe it’s not the actor’s fault, but this was a disgrace.  The writer basically said, ‘hey, what if Dr. Hawking talked about lesbians and getting high?’  Wouldn’t that be funny?’  No, not really. 

Best Line: “Hold him down boys.  I’m on my way.” –Snail
-This line isn’t even said, it’s actually a subtitle.  Here’s the set-up.  Rick accidentally squirts some sort of substance on him that attracts animals in a sexual manner.  Uh-oh, I wonder what’s going to happen?  Yes, a bunch of animals run towards Rick and hump him.  So the actual set-up is pretty shitty.  But all of a sudden they cut to this snail slowly moving towards Rick, and then this line flashes across the screen.  That’s pretty damn funny, despite the horrible set-up.

Worst Line: “Can I get a what what?  Holla.” –Dr. Hawking
-Yup.  A run of the mill tired cliché, but it’s in the Dr. Hawking computer voice.  Doesn’t that make the cliché funny again?  No.

Best Fight:
-There really weren’t any, but the best I could come up with was between Professor Xavier’s wife played by Regina Hall and Invisible Girl.  But it’s more of an argument than an actual fight.

WTF Moment:
-Dr. Hawking flies off a building in the background, exactly identical to O.J. Simpson’s character Nordberg falling from the original Naked Gun.  This pisses me off because this movie was produced by David Zucker.  Come on…how does he let that happen!

Best Scene:
-The best sequence of the movie is Rick visiting Xavier’s school for the gifted.  It never comes back into the plot later on, but this is where your best jokes take place.  The sign at the entrance reads ‘Xavier’s School for the Non-Asian gifted.’  The only funny physical comedy gag takes place in this scene.

Xavier: We have children who can walk through walls.
-A student walks through a wall
Xavier: We have children who think they can walk through walls.
-A student tries to run into the wall but crashes into it.

Worst Scene:
-Rick and Jill try and have a romantic moment, but Rick’s Aunt Lucille is sleeping on the couch farting.  That’s the scene.  She keeps farting.  Maybe if it was just a couple times, I could forgive it, but this scene is endless.  The fart sound effect button on the switch board probably broke as it was used so many times.  There is no clever set-up.  She just farts.

Funniest Moment:
-This is the moment that probably saved the film from getting below a ‘5.’  Xavier and Rick walk into Barry Bonds’ room.  Barry is chugging a large can of steroid pills and looks angry beyond belief.  Barry suddenly roars loudly and uses the Cyclops’ optic blast.  This had me in stitches. 

Bad Ass Moment:
-Another funny moment at the Xavier mansion is when Mrs. Xavier brings out all of Xavier’s kids (who are all bald and in wheel cheers).  One of them is an infant who is literally just a doll.  He raises his arms, using his psychic powers.  He blows Xavier out of his chair as Xavier yells, ‘Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!’

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #80

Superman: Doomsday (2007, animated)

Plot: When LexCorp accidentally uncovers and frees a genetically enhanced warrior known as ‘Doomsday,’ Superman (Adam Baldwin) engages him in battle over Metropolis, a battle that could change the course of Superman’s life forever.

After four awful Superman movies (3 live action, 1 animated), and 27 years since Superman II, we finally have another great Superman film.  This animated feature doesn’t fuck around.  There are gruesome deaths that come out of no where, brutal fight sequences, and countless clones are destroyed in a scene that may disturb some viewers.  This is without a doubt the darkest I’ve ever seen a Superman movie go, and I loved it.  The voice acting is great all around.  Anne Heche, Adam Baldwin, and Swoosie Kurtz are all fantastic as Lois Lane, Superman/Clark Kent, and Martha Kent respectively.  I even like Jimmy Olsen, a character I’ve always found annoying and unnecessary.  Aside from the thrilling fights though, there are some truly touching moments, which include a heart-to-heart between Lois and Martha, as well as the reaction from the entire city of Metropolis after watching Superman face his darkest hour.  And that’s what I’m talking about:  A Superman movie that showcases his true power, but at the same time is not just some mindless action movie.  It blends both elements perfectly.  Doomsday’s first appearance is truly frightening.  He’s just pure destruction.  Superman even busts out the black suit, but it’s not just used as a gimmick.  The suit actually serves an important plot point.  The only thing that really bugged me was Lex Luthor.  Aside from Smallville, I haven’t seen a good depiction of this character since Gene Hackman.  What the hell is so damn hard about adapting this character!  But other than that, I highly recommend Superman: Doomsday.  If you like watching superheroes go bat shit crazy with their powers, this is the one for you.

Rating: 8 out of 10 (Great)    

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Anne Heche as Lois Lane
-I would almost consider her the protagonist.  She’s the most fleshed out I’ve ever see her, and a lot of it has to do with the conviction Heche provides in the voice.

Worst Performance: James Marsters as Lex Luthor
-It’s no where near the atrocity of the last Superman animated film (Superman: Brainiac Attacks).  They at least take the character seriously.  But there’s just something about the voice that doesn’t work.  I never took him as a serious threat.  And he does some pretty evil shit in this movie!  Yet, he still seemed like a joke.  Maybe it’s because he spends all his time whining and looking out the window reflecting, but for whatever reason, he doesn’t come off as the villain he should. 

Best Line: “It’s why I’m here.” –Superman to Lois, who pleads with him not to continue fighting Doomsday
-That’s Superman.  And Adam Baldwin delivered it flawlessly. 

Worst Line: “Who’s your daddy.” –Lex to the Dark Superman as he pounds him with kryptonite.
-Yup.  It happened.

Best Fight:
-Superman Vs Doomsday is the fight I dream about seeing in a live action Superman movie.  This was fucking riveting.  They absolutely demolish Metropolis.  To see Superman get tossed like a rag doll was really astounding.  At one point, Doomsday delivers these massive gut punches to Superman.  Whoever did the sound editing…well done.  And the directing and animation was just spectacular as we see blood squirt across Lois’ face.  I could go on all day about the brilliance of this fight, but my favorite part is when Doomsday is about to crush this tear filled little girl.  The look on Superman’s face said it all.

WTF Moment:
-Okay, so Doomsday is hanging onto the helicopter Lois and Jimmy are in.  Jimmy kicks the door Doomsday is grasping onto, making him lose his grip.  WTF!  So Doomsday can make Superman bleed, but a little kick from Jimmy Olsen makes him lose his grip?  Whatever.

Best Scene:
-In the aftermath of the Doomsday fight, Superman walks out of the smoke bloodied and beaten, collapsing right in front of Lois.  He manages to ask if everyone is okay, and then ‘dies’ seconds later. 

Worst Scene:
-Superman is typing away on his computer in the Fortress of Solitude when Lois suddenly walks out in a bath robe.  Alright, this was just a little bit jarring at first.  I’m fine with them dating, but the bad sex puns and innuendos were a bit unnecessary. 

Funniest Moment:
-Some random dude comments on the Dark Superman’s victory over Toyman as such: ‘Pfft.  Like we really needed him to bust up a mechanical spider, right?  Lame.’  What a fickle fanboy.

Bad Ass Moment:
-The Dark Superman walks into a beauty saloon, uses x-ray vision on himself by looking into the mirror, discovers the lead laced kryptonite bullet inside his head, and then performs surgery on himself using heat vision.  Awesome.