Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #100

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (2010, animated)

Plot: A Lex Luthor (Chris Noth) from an alternate Earth enlists the Justice League to help defeat the evil reign of the Crime Syndicate, a group of villains who hold similar powers to the Justice League, but use them for power and selfish gain.

There are a lot of cool concepts and ideas here.  Some live up to its potential, others do not.  The movie begins with a shock to the system as we see alternate versions of Lex Luthor and the Joker (but named Jester here) as good guys.  Especially seeing a Joker like character be good was really strange, and freaked me out to be honest with you.  It was kind of unsettling.  I thought it was interesting that the good Lex Luthor kept the same name, but Joker’s was different.  It was like the writers knew they couldn’t call a good guy in a superhero movie ‘the Joker.’  It’s just not going to happen.  One of the disappointing aspects is the voice acting, especially among the Justice League.  No Kevin Conroy this time around as William Baldwin takes on Batman.  He wasn’t terrible, but it just wasn’t Batman.  It might be more the way the character was written though.  I didn’t like a lot of the dialogue for Batman, and he was a little too jokey for my liking.  Mark Harmon voices Superman, and I’m sorry, but Superman was a super dick in this movie.  He really bitches out the good Lex Luthor a lot.  And then we have Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern…they were pretty much generic and uninteresting.  What actually worked was the voice acting for the alternate ‘heroes.’  They all had very distinct voices and personalities.  I especially like Ultraman, the opposite Superman.  His voice is basically stereotype Italian Mafia.  I love this because Italian Mafia is the last thing I would expect Superman to sound like, so it worked.  They do go a little overboard at times though.  Check out this line:

Ultraman: Did you forget who I am?  How I got to be the boss of bosses?  I’m here because I’m the baddest of the bad.

Superwoman (the alternate Wonder Woman) is also an intriguing character, mostly because she’s just a complete whacko.  I wished her and Wonder Woman had more scenes together though.  The best voice over, and easily the best part of this entire movie was James Woods as Owlman, the bad guy Batman.  This was a very interesting/dark character, and Woods’ voice fit the tone perfectly.  The character also had tremendous dialogue, so that helps.  What’s so scary about Owlman is that he is capable of accomplishing anything Batman can…but evil.  His way of looking at all the parallel worlds and his ultimate plan was comic book villainy at its best.  And it gets really good towards the end when he and Batman finally collide.  Their interaction together is truly fascinating.  While there’s a lot to like in this film, the fight sequences go on a little too long, they could have fleshed out more of the good guy characters, and I didn’t like how the Justice League ended up treating a few of their evil doppelgangers at the end, but more on that later.  But what elevates this film significantly is the Owlman character.  If you’re a big Batman fan, I think he alone instantly makes this film worth checking out. 

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very Good) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: James Woods as Owlman
-Just perfect…so calm, cool, and collected, but just the right touch of pure evil.  And the fact that it’s James Woods impressed me even more, because he’s got such a distinct voice, yet he was able to give this character so much originality.  I’m also surprised I never laughed at his voice, only because he’s been in Family Guy so many times.

Worst Performance: William Baldwin as Batman
-He does get a little more comfortable as the film goes on, but it’s just not Batman.  As I said before though, the writing may be more to blame.

Best Line: “There is a difference between you and me.  We both looked into the abyss.  But when it looked back at us…You blinked.” –Batman to Owlman
-I’m not happy about a lot of Batman’s dialogue in the movie, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with this line…bad ass.

Worst Line: “Maybe you should surrender.  We’ve taken down dozens of you.  And now the odds are 6-to-3.” –Batman
-This just isn’t a Batman line.  He wouldn’t say this before a fight.  He’d just stare quietly and be ready for the first attack.

Best Fight:
-We finally get to see everyone go up against their opposites, and it’s pretty much just powers galore.  This is basically like a Mortal Kombat mirror fight in which the characters battle themselves.

WTF Moment:
-Batman has to call reinforcements up at the Justice League space headquarters, and one of the guys he calls is Aquaman…really?  What’s he going to do in space?  Poor Aquaman.

Best Scene:
-The final confrontation between Batman and Owlman on Earth Prime was truly riveting.  First of all, the setting is perfect, just completely desolate and empty.  And the exchange of dialogue they have is spot on.  The only issue I have is that Batman sends the bomb rocket to another world with Owlman attached…so yea, Batman practically kills someone.  I’m a little uneasy about that.

Worst Scene:
-Luthor takes the Justice League to the Jester’s old place and he’s got a monkey named Harley…Come on, was that necessary?

Funniest Moment:
-So there was this whole sub-plot about Martian Manhunter and a romantic interest with the President’s daughter.  Ultimately, Manhunter chooses to go back to Earth.  But here’s the exchange of dialogue between Wonder Woman and Manhunter after he leaves her:

Wonder Woman: Maybe there’s another one like her back on our Earth.
Martian Manhunter: With my luck, she’ll be evil.

Bad Ass Moment:
-The opposite Flash (Johnny Quick) vibrates at a ridiculous amount of speed to produce a portal so Batman can go after Owlman in Earth Prime.  He goes so fast, that when he stops, he’s an old man on death’s door.  So the Flash originally volunteered to do this, but Batman lied and said he wasn’t fast enough so Johnny Quick would have to do it.  Batman was the only one who knew the aging thing would happen.  Wow…that was really dick on Batman’s part.

 

Movie Review – Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Plot: While trying to find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease, Will Rodman (James Franco) falls into possession of a baby chimpanzee whose mother was given Will’s experimental drug, making the ape smarter.  Her genetics were passed onto the baby named ‘Caesar,’ an exceptionally intelligent ape who will later liberate other Apes in this prequel to the original Planet of the Apes.

I was really reluctant towards this movie because Tim Burton’s 2001 remake scared me away from this franchise, even though it has nothing to do with this current version.  But I should have known better.  Look what happened eight years after 1997’s Batman & Robin…we get Batman Begins.  And just like with that franchise, the Apes have risen once again (pardon the pun).  But what shocked me about this film is how character driven it was.  The trailer is very misleading.  You think it’s going to be nothing more than apes ripping apart the city, along with every human in their path.  That’s not at all what happens.

The acting is stellar all around.  I’m not the biggest James Franco fan, and thought his performance in 127 Hours was a tad overrated.  But this is probably the best thing he’s ever done.  I’ve never been emotionally invested in any of his characters, but you really care about him in this movie.  Even in a movie called Rise of the Planet of the Apes, one of its most engaging stories was a simple one: A man trying to cure his father of Alzheimer’s.  And that relationship fires on all cylinders.  John Lithgow does a great job as Will’s father, and he and Franco play off each other very well.

But let’s stop kidding ourselves.  We all know what the soul of this movie is, and that’s Andy Serkis’ amazing performance as Caesar.  Of course we all know Serkis as the man who played Gollum in Lord of the Rings.  Yea, it’s CG, but the film simply doesn’t work without Serkis acting the part before the special effects are rendered.  Caesar was always riveting on screen, and he’s practically in the entire film.  There are hundreds of little moments I could talk about, but I’ll have to narrow it down to a few.

Probably my favorite scene in the entire movie is Caesar’s first interaction with other apes.  They all just stare at him as this infinitely smarter creature enters a world he’s never known, and it’s terrifying.  That’s when the character really hits you.  Caesar has been raised by humans, but ultimately can’t live among them.  But he also struggles to live with his own kind.  That’s some powerful stuff.

Another moment I loved is when the caretaker’s (Brian Cox) nasty son (Tom Felton) brings a few friends to the ape cages, and one of the drunken douchebags mocks Caesar.  The stare down Caesar gives this kid was extraordinary.  Not only was it a fantastic special effect, but it illustrated a key character trait.  Now that’s how you do great special effects!  And without spoiling it, there’s a certain something you are waiting for Caesar to do the whole movie, and when that happens, it’s pretty incredible. 

What I also loved is how the film makes you feel not only for Caesar, but a couple of the other apes who don’t even get a tenth of the screen time he does.  It’s really towards the end where that comes into play.  And that’s what I mean by this movie being more of a character driven piece rather than sci-fi spectacle.

But don’t worry…you’ll get your action quota.  There’s a truly spectacular battle on theGolden GateBridgethat really knocks you on your ass.  And the apes don’t attack like you think they would.  It’s more refined and disciplined than what you might expect.  The director Rupert Wyatt is pretty much a new comer here, only having done smaller projects, but he knocks this out of the park.

Now the film isn’t perfect.  The pacing is way too slow.  This is just one of the unfortunate drawbacks to being a prequel to a well established franchise.  The trailer also gives away too much information.  We know where it’s going, and at times I was just like, ‘alright, get on with it already.’

Another criticism I have to give it is that it does come off as kind of silly at times.  There are a few moments where I’m staring at all these apes running around and sliding off of buildings and can’t help but snicker.  But really, those moments are barely there.  It’s executed very seriously 99.9% of the time.

While the last few minutes are a bit rushed, leaving the ending a tad unsatisfying, this is a great movie, and definitely the biggest surprise of the summer.  It’s the perfect blending of character development and special effects.  I cared about the humans.  I cared about the apes.  I was invested all the way through.

Rating: 8 out of 10 (Great)      

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #99

Planet Hulk (2010, animated)

Plot: The Hulk (Rick D. Wasserman) becomes too dangerous for Earth and is exiled to the planet Sakaar where a tyrant ruler (Mark Hildreth) forces him into gladiatorial combat.  Some believe the Hulk to be the Planet’s savior, but Hulk just wants to be left alone in peace while a rebellion begins to take shape against the planet.

This one takes a while to get into, but once it gets going, it’s not bad.  The movie starts off with Iron Man telling Hulk via video phone that he’s too dangerous for Earth and needs to be sent away.  Wow…what a dick.  The set-up and first half of this film is just completely uninteresting.  I don’t care about these random rock soldiers.  The back stories are boring beyond belief.  And the gladiatorial combat is repetitive.  This Red King villain is really lame too.  You just want to see Hulk bash him apart in the first ten minutes so we can be done with this.  What it all comes down to though is whether or not the Hulk can carry his own film?  We’ve seen him do it with the live action Incredible Hulk, but in the other Marvel animated movies, he’s always with the Avengers or Wolverine or whatever.  The movie finally picks up steam when we learn more about Caiera, the Red King’s lieutenant, and the only other mildly interesting character besides Hulk.  Bottom-line with this movie: it gets better, but the first thirty minutes are pretty rough. 

Rating: 6 out of 10 (‘meh’) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Rick D. Wasserman as Hulk
-Wasserman had a good command of the character.  You could always feel what Hulk was thinking even with such short and simple lines.

Worst Performance: Sam Vincent as Miek
-This was unbearable in the first half, but it got better.  It’s just this really annoying screechy voice, and making matters worse, he talks in third person.  And Miek isn’t nearly as funny as Jimmy from Seinfeld.  Not many people can pull off the third person speak.

Best Line: “Tell your king I’m not going anywhere.  If he wants to kill me, he’ll have to do it in the arena in front of everyone.” –Hulk
-That’s a pretty scary ultimatum coming from a guy like the Hulk.

Worst Line: “You the bug, Miek.” –Random guy in the crowd
-Oh, because Miek’s a bug.  So instead of ‘you the man’ it’s ‘you the bug.’  I get it.

Best Fight:
-There’s a pretty good fight between Hulk and the Asgard warrior Beta Ray Bill. But we’ve seen Hulk against Thor a couple times, so I’m kind of over it.

WTF Moment:
-Hulk is Hulk the entire film!  Huh?  Why does he never change back into Bruce Banner?  How can he talk in complete and thought out sentences?  Why was he exiled?  He seems to have complete control this whole movie.  I don’t get it!

Best Scene:
-Red King getting injected with spikes and then lit on fire was a pretty bad ass way to go.

Worst Scene:
-At one point, the film turns into one big back story, complete with prophecy predictions.  Booooooooooooring.

Funniest Moment:
-So all the slaves on Sakaar wear these weird disc things on their chest.  Hulk breaks the one on Beta Ray Bill’s chest.  Here’s what happens after that:

Beta Ray Bill: You broke the disc…I’m free.

Not even a second later, Hulk smashes him across the arena.  What a great way to start your freedom.

Bad Ass Moment:
-A classic Hulk fist smash in which he redirects fire back towards the Red King.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #98

Kick-Ass (2010)

Plot:  Dave Lizewski’s (Aaron Johnson) only real passion is comic books.  Wondering why no ordinary person has ever tried to become a superhero, Dave takes on the mantle of ‘Kick-Ass,’ whose only real power is taking a beating.  Despite getting his ass kicked, he gains a YouTube following, meets other vigilantes, and becomes the target of a mob kingpin (Mark Strong).

Kick-Ass manages to achieve something that I rarely enjoy: the melding of genres.  And we aren’t talking about just combining a couple…this is like five of them mixed into one movie.  It’s funny, dramatic, action-packed, and even has its fair share of high school antics.  Director Matthew Vaughn is the true star of this movie.  Even with all these genres, he manages to find the right tone.  A lot of other directors would have crashed and burned with this project.  The perfect example of this is the first scene between father and daughter Damon and Mindy, played by Nicolas Cage and Chloe Grace Moretz.  This is a scene where Damon shoots his young daughter while she’s armed with a bullet proof vest.  On the surface, that’s a little unsettling.  Yet, the scene comes off as not only funny, but the bond between the two characters is illustrated perfectly.  It’s actually a touching moment.  That’s saying something for a scene where a dad shoots his daughter in the stomach.  I’ll give credit to the writing and actors, but it’s ultimately on the director to make that work.  But make no mistake: the acting in this movie is also up to par with Vaughn’s directing.  Aaron Johnson carries the film well as the lead.  His best moment comes in his first successful outing as Kick-Ass.  He gets pummeled, but just keeps fighting through it, never giving up.  The music is really cool as well.  It’s just a great scene.  Nicolas Cage is awesome, and toned down for Nicolas Cage.  He’s like a darker Adam West Batman.  He says stuff like ‘let’s get back to headquarters’ but is also seen later crushing a human being in a trash compactor while in a car.  Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Chris D’Amico/Red Mist is another well done character, and of course Chloe Grace Moretz steals the show as Hit-Girl.  Her first appearance as Hit-Girl is just insane.  Even the smaller roles played by Clark Duke and Lyndsy Fonseca are a lot of fun.  Mark Strong really impressed me though as the cliché generic mob boss villain, yet he somehow managed to give a fresh take on it, and that’s really hard to do.  And even though it’s technically a parody of the genre, Kick-Ass is a legitimately great superhero movie compared to any other of its kind.  There’s a really cool animated comic book back story sequence, the villain’s plot at the end is truly comic book in its most villainous form, and there’s even a great throw back to the 1989 Batman film at the very end.  Kick-Ass is just pure fun.  I love this movie.

Rating: 8 out of 10 (Great)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Chloe Grace Moretz as Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl
-Aside from the action and all her hysterical lines, she’s equally as good with the dramatic moments.  She’s got a great chemistry with Nicolas Cage.  This is just a very well rounded performance, really impressive.

Worst Performance: Evan Peters as Todd
-There weren’t many options for this category, but this is Dave’s other friend besides the Clark Duke character.  He just doesn’t really bring anything to the table, and barely has a personality when compared to the other characters.

Best Line: “But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind…and all the things I’d never do, like learn to drive, or see what me and Katie’s kids would look like, or find out what happened on Lost.” –Dave on his deathbed
-The line about Lost is pretty damn clever.

Worst Line: “My only superpower was being invisible to girls.” –Dave’s voice over
-This is just such a cliché and overused line as we get the likable loser voice over from Dave.

Best Fight:
-The only one-on-one fight we see is between Hit-Girl and Frank D’Amico at the end.  It’s pretty brutal and climactic.

WTF Moment:
-Dave flying in on the jet-pack at the end was a little much.  The movie had been ridiculous all the way through, but this may have been taking it a little too far.  While it looked bad ass, it made the movie a little more like a cartoon.

Best Scene:
-Hit-Girl storming Frank’s apartment is flat out awesome.  Aside from Hit-Girl doing 25 bad ass things like using a rope to latch onto a guy’s gun and making him pull the trigger on himself, the tension is directed really well.  At one point Hit-Girl hides behind this counter as countless guys wait with guns cocked and ready to fire.  You’re just salivating at what she’s going to do.

Worst Scene:
-This harkens back to the ‘Worst Line,’ but it’s the opening voice over narration as we get a look into Dave’s life in high school.  It’s the typical ‘I’m invisible, nothing really special about me, I have a crush on my hot older English teacher’ speech.  Aaron Johnson sells it fine, but we’ve seen it a hundred times.

Funniest Moment:
-This is kind of a dumb one, but for some reason it just had me laughing really hard.  One of Frank’s mob guys has to be a doorman and he’s complaining about the get-up.  Frank’s right hand man Big Joe makes the comment, ‘You look sharp.  Look at all them buttons.’  There’s just something about the way he delivers ‘look at all them buttons’ that had me in stitches.

Bad Ass Moment:
-We see Nicolas Cage’s alter-ego Big Daddy kick ass only once, but boy does he ever.  He just rips apart this room of mob guys, and is just relentless.  There’s a moment where he tosses a grenade through a door, and the shot was just pure bad ass.  This was an epic scene.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #97

Superman/Batman Public Enemies (2009, animated)

Plot: After Lex Luthor (Clancy Brown) gets elected President, a kryptonite meteor heads for Earth.  Luthor uses the opportunity to frame Superman (Tim Daly) after pretending to become his ally to stop the meteor.  Along with Batman (Kevin Conroy), the two heroes try and figure out how to stop the meteor while taking on several villains who want the bounty Luthor has placed on Superman.

The first half is decent, but the later part of this movie just gets really stupid.  The only thing saving this from being a bad movie is the rapport between Batman and Superman.  Just simple scenes like them talking in the Batcave are the highlight of the film.  The worst part is the dialogue.  It’s really terrible at times.  In the opening montage, there’s a political comedy show where the host swears (bleeped out) as the film tries to be all edgy.  This just doesn’t work in a superhero film, and was kind of obnoxious.  Lex Luthor says ‘bitch’ at one point.  I don’t know, you always think of Luthor as this evil cold hearted villain, but he’s always well spoken.  That was kind of strange.  Superman is also given a lot of lame jokes and one-liners.  The dialogue overall is just bad, so we’ll leave it at that.  What also irked me about this mess is random heroes and villains just show up out of no where and start fighting.  They are so forced.  I’m sorry, but at one point Mr. Freeze and Bane just pop into the frame and say nothing!  That’s horse shit!  Those villains should never just show up for dialogue-less cameos.  That’s just shameful.  And the fights aren’t even that good.  There’s no story or character going on in this whatsoever, except a little bit with Batman and Superman.  The writers also break a cardinal rule in that random comic book characters will appear, and they just assume the audience will know who they are with no explanation whatsoever.  Maybe you can let that slide with the Flash or a Green Lantern, but Captain Marvel?  All of a sudden you have this character literally just fly in and start using magic.  Then he turns into a kid or something, I don’t know.  What the hell is this?  The worst is this Japanese kid known as Toyman that just comes in out of nowhere and plays a crucial role at the end.  Isn’t there another character in the Superman universe called Toyman, but he’s a villain?  Where the hell did this come from!  He’s also unbelievably annoying.  And then once again, we have another Superman movie where Lex Luthor turns into a goofy over the top villain at the end.  With the exception of Smallville, Luthor has not been done right since the Gene Hackman days.  What the hell is so difficult about this character!  Can someone please present a Lex Luthor that I’m truly worried about, and not just some goofball!  He’s got a line where he shouts ‘Hello Sunshine’ as he knocks down Superman in his giant robot.  Come on!  What saved this movie were the central characters, Batman and Superman.  But otherwise, this is nothing that needs to be seen.

Rating: 5 out of 10 (Barely Passable Entertainment)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Kevin Conroy as Bruce Wayne/Batman
-It’s Kevin Conroy as Batman, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Worst Performance: Calvin Tran as Toyman
-Why does his voice have to be so whiney?

Best Line: “That was my best friend.  And you just killed him.” –Superman to Luthor after Batman flies the rocket into space.
-The line isn’t that good actually, kind of over dramatic.  But Tim Daly’s delivery really sells it.

Worst Line: “Consider yourself…impeached.” –Superman to Luthor right before punching him
-Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Best Fight:
-Superman against Metallo was alright.  Eventually, Batman comes into it as well and throws some cool plastic explosives at him, so that was good.

WTF Moment:
-It’s not bad enough we have to see Batman fly into space, but when his rocket explodes, the cockpit he’s sitting in is debris shaped like the bat symbol.  Come on, really?  You know, that’s not too far off from the Robin symbol made in Batman & Robin after Robin breaks through the museum wall on his bike.

Best Scene:
-When Captain Atom has to absorb all the radiation from Major Force…that was pretty awesome.  And the music was really epic as well.

Worst Scene:
-The rocket Toyman builds to destroy the meteor is an amalgam of Superman and Batman…lame.  Although, Batman’s reaction is pretty funny; he just says ‘Wow.’

Funniest Moment:
-It’s this:

Superman: You know you didn’t need to use the wire.  I could have carried you.
Batman: Between you and me, I hate that.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Metallo morphing his hand into a gun where he puts a kryptonite bullet inside it was pretty nifty.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #96

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Plot: A prequel to the X-Men trilogy, the film explores Logan/Wolverine’s (Hugh Jackman) past, and how he came to be a part of the Weapon X program as he seeks revenge on his brother Victor Creed (Liev Schreiber) and the military organization he once worked for.

While certainly the worst of the X-Men related movies, this isn’t half bad.  It moves at a quick pace, it’s very entertaining with the use of its mutant powers, and there’s some solid acting going on.  In fact, there are many noteworthy performances.  Hugh Jackman continues to be perfect for this character.  We also get two solid villains.  Danny Huston plays Stryker, the military villain from X2 played by Brian Cox.  Huston’s imitation is spot on.  The stand-out performance though is probably Liev Schreiber’s Victor Creed, who we know becomes Sabertooth back in the original X-Men.  Victor is a cold hearted menacing prick, and Schreiber nails the performance.  There’s an especially intense image as we see Victor rip through someone’s stomach and grab their spine.  One of the main criticisms of this movie is that there are too many forced characters.  This is a legit complaint.  Mutants like Scott Summers and Emma Frost are just completely unnecessary.  But there’s also a lot of cool side mutants like Bolt and Agent Zero.  I especially like the tiff between Agent Zero and Logan.  Although, I’m confused on Agent Zero’s mutant power…so he just shoots really well?  The two most bad ass mutants have to be Gambit and Wade Wilson/Deadpool though.  FINALLY, after three X-Men movies, Gambit makes an appearance.  He’s one of my favorite X-Men characters, so I was really looking forward to this.  Taylor Kitsch plays him real well, and watching him throw the charged up cards and demolish everything in site with his cane was everything I could have hoped for.  But his role was fairly small…WTF!  Ryan Reynolds is perfect for Wade Wilson.  He’s pretty much his character from Blade: Trinity, but whatever.  That’s fine with me.  And I know a lot of fanboys probably detest what they do with Deadpool’s mouth at the end, but I actually thought that was pretty interesting.  Reynolds is so memorable in that one scene, that when he comes back at the end with his mouth altered, it hits you pretty hard.  While there’s a lot to like here, the film definitely blows a lot of potential.  It’s extremely cliché and predictable, and some of the special effects are pretty terrible.  There’s a moment where Wolverine is looking at his claws in the bathroom, and holy crap, they look like they are going to start dripping liquid metal, ala Terminator 2.  There’s also a scene where Wolverine walks away from an explosion that was directed in cringe-worthy fashion.  The score is also JV.  Yea, the movie could have been a lot better, and certainly doesn’t live up to the X-Men trilogy, but it gets way too much flack.  It’s okay.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 (Slightly better than ‘meh’)   

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Liev Schreiber as Victor Creed
-He always looked like he was about to do something not so nice whenever he came on screen.  Schreiber gives the character an unsettling presence.

Worst Performance: Will.i.am as John Wraith
-Yea, this was horrible.  His dialogue pretty much consisted of a lot of ‘damns.’  That’s how he reacted to everything…damn.

Best Line: “Oh, my God.  Do you ever shut up, pal?” –Logan
                         “No, not when I’m awake.” –Wade Wilson
-The line is great, but Reynold’s comedic timing amps it up even more.

Worst Line: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” –Logan several times
-Yea, the excessive rage screams were a bit unnecessary.

Best Fight:
-Wolverine and Creed against Deadpool was pretty awesome, just a great display of mutant power all around.

WTF Moment:
-Okay, so before Logan gets his adamantium infusion, he’s got these bone claw things?  What the hell is up with that…kind of weird.

Best Scene:
-Stryker’s mutant team storming the base in Africa.  From Agent Zero to Wade Wilson, and on down the line, it’s just a continuous use of bad ass mutant powers.

Worst Scene:
-Wolverine’s adamantium infusion is one of the biggest moments in X-Men lore, yet it’s kind of glossed over and rushed.  When the metal bonds inside his body, that was decent, but his escape was total garbage.  I thought he was supposed to go crazy and take out a gazillion guys.  He just runs outside…What the hell!

Funniest Moment:
-After six years, Logan is reunited with Fred Dukes, who’s gained a considerable amount of weight.  Here’s Logan’s response.

Logan: Hey fat, uh Fred.

Bad Ass Moment:
-Wade Wilson unleashing those swords and going completely bonkers.  It doesn’t get much more bad ass then slicing an oncoming bullet, causing the two halves to hit a couple other guys.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #95

Watchmen (2009)

Plot: Set in an alternate 1985 where superheroes have been outlawed.  While the world faces nuclear annihilation, one of the old heroes, the Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), is murdered by an unknown assailant. Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley), the only hero presently disobeying the government, tries to figure out why the Comedian was killed as the film explores the past and present of all the heroes, including Dr. Manhattan, the only one with superpowers (Billy Crudup), and the Country’s most important source of National Security.

Watchmen never stood a chance.  Not only was it based on one of the most celebrated graphic novels ever written, but it was the first major superhero film to follow the Dark Knight.  It was met with mixed reactions and not so hot box office numbers.  Let me just get this out of the way right now: While Watchmen isn’t near the greatness of its source material, it’s still a pretty damn good movie.  There’s a lot to love here.  The film looks gorgeous as director Zack Snyder really shines in showing its imagery, which the movie is heavy on.  After the Comedian’s death, it’s got a pretty cool opening credit montage with Bob Dylan’s The Times They Are A-Changin’ that really gets you in the mood.  There’s a lot of interesting music choices that for the most part work pretty well and fit the mood of the scene perfectly.  While the movie certainly has an interesting plot, it’s not really about that.  The soul of Watchmen is exploring these very complex characters.  Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach is outstanding.  The guy’s a total bad ass, but it’s his voice over journal narrations that are the real essence of the character.  One thing the movie actually improves on from the novel is the friendship between Rorschach and Dan Dreiberg (Nite Owl II) as former partners.  Rorschach’s back story is also truly heartbreaking.  The flashbacks in general are the best parts of the movie.  The most intriguing is probably during the Comedian’s funeral as most of the major characters have flashbacks to time spent with him.  The Comedian really is a detestable human being, but what makes him so interesting is how right he is in his way of thinking.  This is very apparent when he calls out Dr. Manhattan after winning the Vietnam War.  We just saw him perform this terrible act, yet you almost want to hate Dr. Manhattan more after the scene.  For me though, with all these characters and back stories, it’s Dr. Manhattan’s past and way of looking at humanity that is the real tragedy and meat of the film.  While that story fires on all cylinders, the movie certainly has its share of weaknesses.  Malin Akerman’s performance as Laurie Jupiter/Silk Spectre II is fairly weak, and her animosity towards her mother for pushing her into this lifestyle isn’t really conveyed very well.  When the film focuses on her and Dreiberg’s relationship, it really slows down.  The biggest problem I have with Watchmen though, and what really hinders it from being a potential top 5 superhero movie is the characterization of Ozymandias.  He’s such a crucial part to the story, but he barely has a personality.  Matthew Goode gives a bad performance, but I think this one is more Zack Snyder’s fault.  All in all, I like this movie quite a bit and think Snyder really succeeds in simplifying a very complicated book, but still keeping the essence of what it is.  It’s got several memorable moments.  You can tell Snyder really cared about this.  Like I said, it’s not as good as the book, but I feel like if the book never existed and this just came out as an original movie, we’d be talking about it a lot more.  Instead, Watchmen kind of came and went…it deserved better. 

Rating: 8 out of 10 (Great)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Billy Crudup as Jon Osterman/Dr. Manhattan
-Although he’s pretty much blue CG, it’s really the voice that wins him this category.  Just listening to him explain his perception of time, and the way he sees the world was always fascinating. 

Worst Performance: Malin Akerman as Laurie Jupiter/Silk Spectre II
-She’s not horrible, but what really pisses me off is that she just brings nothing to the character.  And this really shows in key moments.  Most notably is near the climax where she has this conversation with Dr. Manhattan on Mars.  The scene is well written, and Crudup hits it out of the park.  It could have been a very memorable scene if she just brought something to the table.

Best Line: “None of you seem to understand.  I’m not locked in here with you.  You’re locked in here with me.” –Rorschach in prison
-Awesome.

Worst Line: “You’re such an asshole.” –Silk Spectre II right before she shoots Ozymandias
-Not only is it delivered horribly, but this is right at the end.  It’s the big emotional climax, and we get this lame line?  Boo.

Best Fight:
-The fight between Comedian and the mystery killer (who we now know as Ozymandias), is pretty stellar.  Although Snyder’s trademark slow motion/speed up BS can get annoying, he knows how to delivery intense and hard action, especially with fight sequences.

WTF Moment:
-The Richard Nixon impersonation was a little much.  The over the top nature really takes some of the seriousness away from the film.

Best Scene:
-The whole sequence of Jon Osterman becoming Dr. Manhattan is something I could watch over and over again.  Everything about it works: the directing, acting, music, etc.  It’s a beautiful and tragic scene, everything it needs to be.

Worst Scene:
-I hate when Laurie is in Archie, Nite Owl’s Ship.  She’s just such a moron.  She pushes a button that clearly has an image of a ‘flame’ on it…gee, what did you think was going to happen?  Then we get hit with her stupidity again as she tries to put out the fire with a blanket while the fire extinguisher is right there.  Dan comes down and immediately uses it.  He almost gives this look of, ‘Wait, why do I love this woman?’

Funniest Moment:
-Dan and Laurie are having dinner.  They reminisce about some idiot who used to pretend to be a super villain so he could get beat up by Nite Owl II.  The funny part is when Dan explains what happened to this guy:

Dan: He pulled that on Rorschach and Rorschach dropped him down an elevator shaft.

That sums up Rorschach perfectly.

Bad Ass Moment:
-It’s pretty much just Rorschach in prison.  But if I had to pick a specific moment, it’s got to be when he slams the hot grille water right in the inmate’s face…just relentless.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #94

Green Lantern: First Flight (2009, animated)

Plot: Test pilot Hal Jordan (Christopher Meloni) is elected to join the Green Lantern Corp, an intergalactic police force whose power comes from the green element.  Hal is trained by the volatile Sinestro (Victor Garber) as they hunt down Kanjar Ro (Kurtwood Smith), a criminal who’s stolen the yellow element, the greatest threat to the Lantern Corp.

Green Lantern: First Flight moves at warp speed pace and packs a shit load of story into the little time it’s given.  Hal Jordan is already given the ring before the opening credits even come on.  The first half is just okay.  It’s a Star Wars Cantina type atmosphere.  What’s strange though is how accepting Hal is to all of this.  He’s given some random ring by a purple alien, taken to outer space where he’s staring at giant lanterns, and then starts flying around to multiple planets.  But he’s just like…okay.  I get it’s a sci-fi movie, but come on.  Can we get some kind of ‘OMFG’ moment from Hal?  Hal also understands how to use this ring way too quickly.  It’s like his first hour on the job and he’s pulling constructs out of his ass and taking down enemies in two seconds.  That’s like a rookie QB coming into his first ever NFL game and throwing 4 touchdown passes.  It just doesn’t happen.  Hal does make pretty awesome ring constructs though.  I like when he creates fly swatters and old shoes to take down the bug like aliens.  I’m not crazy about Christopher Meloni’s voice performance though.  It just doesn’t feel right for the character.  He’s supposed to be this brash and arrogant pilot, but his voice sounds way too deep.  Although, the voice did grow on me as the film went on.  And that’s generally how I feel about this movie in general.  It gets a lot better.  When the threat of the yellow element really comes into the forefront, that’s where it gets bad ass.  There are plenty of intriguing characters to go around as well.  Kilowog was pretty awesome, and I love his voice.  The Guardians who lead the Lantern Corp really are a punch of pricks though…so high and mighty.  Right off the bat, Hal tells them off, and I love the little look Sinestro gives in response.  Everyone swears a lot in this movie too.  No hardcore swears, but a lot of ‘damns’ ‘craps’ and ‘hells.’  This is a solid introduction to the world of Green Lantern, although I think they could have fleshed out Hal’s character a bit more, but it’s a lot of fun nonetheless.

Rating: 7 out of 10 (Good)

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Michael Madsen as Kilowog
-It just sounded right for who the character was.  He was tough when he needed to be, and funny as hell when the script required it.

Worst Performance: Kurtwood Smith as Kanjar Ro
-I like Kurtwood Smith a lot, but he didn’t really do anything with this.  It just sounded like Kurtwood Smith talking.

Best Line: “Excuse me.  But the turmoil began when the yellow element was stolen under your watch.” –Hal to the Guardians
-Wow, Hal just owned the Guardians.

Worst Line: “Geez.” –Hal in response to the story of the yellow element getting stolen and the possible end to the Lantern Corp
-He just heard this critical and intense story, and all he can muster is ‘Geez?’  Not only that, it’s a monotone delivery, not even a concerned or excited ‘Geez.’

Best Fight:
-The final space battle between Hal and Sinestro was pretty damn cool.  The best part was actually the Lantern Corp watching from the ground as we see the green and yellow lights burst in the sky.  It looked epic from the distance.

WTF Moment:
-How come when Hal’s ring isn’t on he changes back to his street clothes, but when everyone else’s ring is off, they remain in the Green Lantern garb.  What the hell?  I wanted to see if Kilowog was a jeans a khakis kind of guy.

Best Scene:
-After Sinestro wipes out a bunch of Lanterns, their rings are all sent back to the Guardians.  This was a pretty emotional scene as we hear all the rings hit the ground with a distinct finality.

Worst Scene:
-When Hal is touching his ring up against the giant green Lantern to study the other alien races, we are treated to a bunch of lame animation, a bad Hal Jordan scream, and cheesy music.  I could have done without this.

Funniest Moment:
-One of the first ring constructs Hal creates is a metal chair to hit an alien over the head with, ala a professional wrestling fight.

Bad Ass Moment:
-It’s not even close: Hal creating a giant golf club and slamming the yellow lantern through space was awesome.

Superhero Movies on Steroids Series: Movie #93

Wonder Woman (2009, animated)

Plot: After years of war, the Amazonian warriors now live in peace on the hidden island of Themyscira, away from all men.  When the God of War Ares (Alfred Molina) escapes into the outside world, Princess Diana (Kerri Russell), along with a military pilot (Nathan Fillion), must stop him from ripping apart the modern world with war as Diana becomes the hero Wonder Woman.

This might be the best animated film I’ve seen since doing this series.  Wonder Woman kicks ass.  It opens in epic fashion as the Amazon warriors’ battle Ares’ forces.  It’s bad ass action, complete with heads getting sliced off.  The violence is brutal.  The voice acting is fantastic.  Alfred Molina is great as the villain Ares, but the two who steal the show are Queen Hippolyta (Virginia Madsen) and her sister Artemis (Rosario Dawson).  The dialogue all around is spectacular, both well written and funny.  Artemis probably has the funniest lines when it comes to Steve Trevor, the male pilot who discovers the hidden island.

Artemis: Her deal is that I will personally castrate you if you come within five yards of her.

Yikes.  Themyscira is a rough place.  Speaking of Themyscira, it’s basically like the Lost Island as it disappears and reappears at will.  One of my favorite scenes though is on the island, as Queen Hippolyta holds a contest to see who will escort the pilot back to the outside world.  There’s this awesome sequence where the warriors have to deflect arrows with their bracelets.  The film is filled with a lot of these great moments.  Ares has to go to the underworld to beg Hades to be released of his prisoner bracelets, but he also sees his dead son there as a slave to Hades.  That’s a pretty heavy scene as Ares has to remain grateful to Hades as he watches him mistreat his dead son.  The music is also solid, especially when Diana is born, which is another very well done scene.  And the end battle is just spectacular.  This movie got me really interested in Wonder Woman, and showed the potential for a pretty bad ass live action movie hopefully in the near future.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10 (Really Great) 

Category Rankings (Spoilers Throughout):

Best Performance: Virginia Madsen as Hippolyta
-Her leadership is just booming out of her voice.  A commanding voice performance here by Madsen.

Worst Performance: Keri Russell as Diana/Wonder Woman
-It’s not that she’s bad, but I just think out of everyone, I felt like she wasn’t as strong.  It’s also because I really like the voice from the Justice League animated series quite a bit and I was disappointed it wasn’t that.

Best Line: “You know, Artemis, I found myself saying a little prayer for you last night…Yes, I prayed that Apollo would inspire you with a strategy that might end your rather long string of defeats at my hand.” –Diana to Artemis
-Wow, that’s some serious smack talk.

Worst Line: “Mr. President, the threat has been neutralized…It seems by a group of armored supermodels.”-President’s aid
-Armored supermodels…really?  What a dumb line.

Best Fight:
-Diana Vs Ares at the end is pretty intense.  Poor Diana does get pummeled though.  But we do get an awesome lightning bolt summon from Ares, solid Wonder Woman lasso attacks, and it ends with a nice swift head slice.

WTF Moment:
-I was surprised to see Hades so fat.  He looked like Jabba the Hutt.  He is voiced brilliantly by Oliver Platt though.  I guess if you’re the God of the dead, you can let yourself go.

Best Scene:
-The entire end battle outside the capital is pretty epic.  Sword fights, monsters, arrows, lightning bolts, explosions, it’s all there.

Worst Scene:
-Diana kicking Trevor in the nuts.  I just never want to see that.  Come on, Diana.

Funniest Moment:
-Take a look at this exchange of dialogue.

Hippolyta: What other depraved thoughts must you be thinking?
Trevor (under the lasso of truth): God, your daughter’s got a nice rack.
Artemis: Shall I kill him now, my queen.

It’s all about the delivery.  Artemis just says this so matter of fact, like ‘so obviously, we’re going to kill him, right?’

Bad Ass Moment:
-Ares transforming into Super Ares was a site to see.

Movie Review – Cowboys & Aliens

Plot: Set in the Old West, an advanced alien race attacks a small town and kidnaps some of the locals.  A small group heads out to track down the aliens where their only hope of stopping them is an outlaw (Daniel Craig) with no memory, and a powerful weapon attached to his wrist that he may have gotten from the aliens themselves.

What happens when you take a run of the mill cliché western and combine it with a run of the mill cliché alien invasion movie?  You get a run of the mill cliché action movie.  For a film called Cowboys & Aliens, this is an excruciating yawn fest.  There is no pop to this movie.  Everyone looks half asleep, especially our protagonist, Jake Lonergan, played by Daniel Craig.

I get Craig has really intense eyes and looks really cool, but that’s all he does.  He just looks intense throughout the whole movie.  There’s nothing interesting about this character except for the mystery surrounding him because he lost his memory.  And even that gets tiresome and embarrassingly predictable.  And in every scene, director Jon Favreau has to remind us, ‘hey, this guys a bad ass.’  He always has to punch someone, or take out a group of guys.  But there’s nothing clever or interesting about it.  Its stuff we’ve seen a hundred times, done way better.  And the character barely talks.  Craig flashes his big eyes, and we are just supposed to go, ‘Oh man, Daniel Craig.  What a bad ass.’  Honestly, this movie could have been significantly better if another actor played the role, like a Leonardo DiCaprio or Jeremy Renner.  I put a lot of the blame on this movie to Craig.  There was just nothing there.

As far as the other performances are concerned, Harrison Ford is on auto-pilot as the grisly old war hero Woodrow Dolarhyde.  There’s one scene where he’s talking to this kid (Noah Ringer) whose grandfather was taken by the aliens.  It’s this emotional story about his dad, but I barely remember it because Ford put no effort into this speech whatsoever.  And that’s generally the trend with this film.  It’s just going through the motions.  Now as the film went on, Ford got more into it, and I started to like and sympathize with his character.  And there’s even decent character development between him and Lonergan, but by that point, the movie had lost me.

Two performances I did like though were Sam Rockwell and Paul Dano.  Rockwell is good in everything.  And he always elevates the material.  I found myself rooting for his character the most as a guy that always backs down from a fight, but you like him so much, you desperately want to see him become a man by the end.  Dano has a small part as Dolarhyde’s privileged and jackass son Percy.  While all the other characters are droning typical western stereotypes, Dano brought a lot of life and levity to the film that desperately needed more of it.  I also liked Olivia Wilde, but they make it so obvious from the first second you meet her that there’s going to be a huge plot twist with her character.  And when you find out what it is, we could have saved ourselves a lot of time and energy if she just came out and said what her deal was.

And that’s really where the problem comes in.  The pacing is just awful.  Slow is not the right word.  We need a whole new word slower than slow to describe this.  They have to force and shoehorn in so many conflicts that have nothing to do with the main story to draw this out.  There’s a useless scene and run in with Indians, and even a more pointless stand off with Lonergan’s old gang that I could care less about.  This movie really could have been 80 minutes long.  The fact that it goes on for almost two hours is just really unnecessary. 

It makes me appreciate a movie like Independence Day that much more.  I’m not going to sit here and say Independence Day is the Godfather, but that movie is nearly 2 and a half hours long, yet I was never bored.  Why did I not get bored?  It had a lot of charismatic and funny characters with groundbreaking action we had never seen before.  It was a lot of fun.  This is anything but.  They go way too serious with it, and I’m sorry, but the movie is called Cowboys & Aliens…come on! 

And speaking of the action: its okay.  It’s just average action.  They try and give you jump moments, but I never once jumped.  The action is directed fine, but its nothing special.  What I didn’t like was how the Jake Lonergan flashbacks and alien POV shots were filmed.  They looked really silly and kind of shaky cam Blair Witch Project-esque, but just green.  Those did not work for me at all.

Watching this movie makes me think of other sub-par blockbusters this summer like Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides and Transformers: Dark of the Moon.  While Cowboys & Aliens never gets to the low points of those films, it’s ultimately a worse movie.  Why is that?  As much as I don’t like Pirates and Transformers, I can at least point out memorable ‘holy crap’ moments like the mermaid scene and the building coming down in Chicago, but I can’t think of one ‘that was awesome’ moment from Cowboys & Aliens.  There isn’t one interesting or cool thing I can recommend about this movie.  There’s some decent acting, but I was bored out of my mind.  Bottom-line: When you keep checking your phone every ten minutes to see when the movie is going to end, I think that means it’s a bad movie.

Rating: 4.5 out of 10 (Bad)